DOI issue:
July to December, 1854
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16614#0162
154
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOW TO TEST A NATION'S PROSPERITY.
Traveller says, "I can
always judge of the pros-
perity of Prance by the
condition of the Trees on
the Boulevards at Paris.
If the Trees are tall, noble,
and towering, I know well
enough that the kingdom
has been enjoying many
years' internal peace and
undisturbed prosperity;
but if, on the contrary, the
Trees are poor, sickly,
short, and stunted, looking
as if they had been either
cut down or planted yester-
day, I know to a certainty
that the country is only
just recovering from a
recent revolution, or still
labouring under some great
civil convulsion." He calls
the Trees on the Paris
Boulevards, " The leafy
barometers of France."
THE GREAT TAPTUB CASE!
A vert solemn inquiry has been entered upon, pursued, and carried
out by the Black Bull, the White Horse, the Pig-and-Whistle, the Red
Lion, and other distinguished, well-known conservators and comforters
of public morals, public benefactors, and publicans in general; an
inquiry having for its solemn object the discovery of a gifted creature,
who, by nature and accomplishment, shall best glorify the Morning
Taptub, making it another morning sun to the gladdened and uplifted
eyes and hearts of the human race in general, and of Britons in par-
ticular. Very exalting, very gratifying were the speeches made on the
occasion; especially the utterances that were made most musical, most
melancholy by their ring of morality and truth. A vain, coarse, un-
thinking generation has little thought of the greatness and purity of
purpose animating a Black Bull; has no suspiciou whatever of the
deep note of morals and of truth roaring from the chest of the Red
Lion. The Three Jolly Pigeons are doves of tenderness, and the Cock
and Bottle, a Cock that turns up a jewel with every scratch !
The Pig-and-Whistle begged to put the editor of the Morning Tap-
tub on his trial. It was plain that the Taptub demanded the nursing
care of an editor who would join the wisdom of a Minerva with the
thunderbolts of Jove ; a man whose leaders should be pinks of gen-
tility, fragrant and with the dew upon them—fresh from the gardens of
rhetoric, so famous for its flowers. Now, how stood the case ? The
editor was not Minerva ; he hadn't even the little finger of Jupiter ;
and for flowers of rhetoric, what was to be thought of a benighted
individual, who, in this age of light and good manners, should so
degrade the Taptub as to call a rival editor a " nincompoop ? " {Cheers
and sensation) The Pig-and-Whistle had thought such a word banished
from every self-respecting tap-room; nevertheless there it had been
found dimming and defiling the brightness and purity of the Morning
Taptub ! Again, had not the slumbers of Prince Albert been dis-
turbed by the goose-quill of the editor; a goose-quill that had been
made to mix with other goose-feathers of the royal pillow ? Again,
had not the editor declared the Protestant Church in danger from the
appearance of the many mediaeval mugs unrestrictedly exhibited in the
crockery shops of Regent Street and the West End ? Moreover, the
editor in his sympathy with the Anti-Sabbath-Bung-Bill, had advocated
the extension of the measure, so that on Sundays no day-light might be
served between the hours of two and six; and on no pretence whatever
should moon or stars shine or twinkle after ten. Viewing these things
with deep alarm, the Pig-and-Whistle moved that the editor of the
Morning Taptub should be invited to retire into that privacy of life that
his virtues, his morals, and his genius were so well calculated to adorn.
The Bear-and-Ragged-Staff, in a neat growl, seconded the motion.
Mr. Editor rose for his defence. He had travelled much for the
Taptub, and not for his own health, his own pleasure. He had visited
salt mines (salt sometimes being used in beer); he had sought the site
of the Garden of Eden with a view to grains of Paradise. He had not
refused to tread the burning plains of Hindostan with a view to cocculus
Indicus! With respect to the use of the word " nincompoop" he
must say, he thought it a good, bold, sinewy word that, properly ap-
plied would knock down an elephant, or even break the back of a
Prime Minister ! As for Prince Albert he entertained the highest
respect for that gifted individual, and believed that the feeling was
reciprocated with increased intensity. But he knew the object of the
present persecution; it was hatched in the scorpion bosom of the
Catholic Church. Let his enemies prevail, and he knew that in a
week—(he would not mention the name of Cardinal Niceman)—in
a little week a pair of scarlet stockings would sit cross-legged under
the editorial desk of the outraged and betrayed Taptub !
After a very stormy debate, the Pig-and-Whistle's motion was
carried by 176 to 149 ; and five minutes after the Editor followed the
motion in a sedan-chair. He, however, retires—and we are happy to
chronicle the fact—full of honours. Already the London Tavern, the
Freemasons', Dolby's Chop-House, &c, have voted him the freedom of
their establishments. Joe's has sent him the Order of the Gridiron;
and the Cheshire Cheese the Decoration of the Welsh Rabbit.
We cannot, however, dismiss this case without imploring the thought-
ful reader to mark the great moral and commercial advantages that, to
the public at large, must result from it. Of course, as the Witters are
so resolute, so earnest in their determination to have nothing but
purity, health, and strength in their newspaper, they will come to the
like resolution with respect to the commodities of the bar. When an
editor is cashiered for indulging in such low syllables as "nincompoop,"
no censor witler can think of dealing in cocculus Indicus. Since we are
to have all purity in the Taptub, of course we shall have the like
unadulterated excellence in the glittering pewter!
A VIOfcfiNT AGI-TATAR.
We cannot sufficiently express our disgust at the Tatar who has
hoaxed half Europe by prematurely announcing the fall of Sebastopol.
Such a Tatar or Tatux ought to be immediately mashed, and severely
roasted. At the risk of being considered " vulgar " we must say to
all who make a mouth-piece of a mere Tatar or Tatur for promulgating
false news, "Come, come, let's have none of this sort of thing again,
so just shut your Tatur trap."
THE ABUNDANT HARVEST.
The thanksgiving for the abundant harvest was solemnised, with
peculiar fitness, in the parish church of Alum-cum-Potato. There, a
miller and a baker (they were picked out by lot) were compelled to
stand in the middle aisle during the service, dressed in a white sheet,
in penitence for the high price of bread, seeing that wheat had been so
abundant; and further, each of them being
" Crown'd with rank fumiter and furrow-weeds,
With harlocks, hemlock, nettles, cuckoo-flowers,
Darnel, and all the idle weeds that grow
In our sustaining corn."
A good significance in these crowns; showing that if benevolent
plenty sends us a heavy harvest, there is still the miller and the baker,
the " weeds " that grow upon the price of our sustaining bread!
Marine Privileges.—The Admiralty have graciously made it
known to the Marines that, for the sake of uniformity, they may, in
common with the military, wear moustaches ! After this liberal con-
cession, it is expected that the two forces will act with such unanimity
that there will not be a hair's difference between them.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOW TO TEST A NATION'S PROSPERITY.
Traveller says, "I can
always judge of the pros-
perity of Prance by the
condition of the Trees on
the Boulevards at Paris.
If the Trees are tall, noble,
and towering, I know well
enough that the kingdom
has been enjoying many
years' internal peace and
undisturbed prosperity;
but if, on the contrary, the
Trees are poor, sickly,
short, and stunted, looking
as if they had been either
cut down or planted yester-
day, I know to a certainty
that the country is only
just recovering from a
recent revolution, or still
labouring under some great
civil convulsion." He calls
the Trees on the Paris
Boulevards, " The leafy
barometers of France."
THE GREAT TAPTUB CASE!
A vert solemn inquiry has been entered upon, pursued, and carried
out by the Black Bull, the White Horse, the Pig-and-Whistle, the Red
Lion, and other distinguished, well-known conservators and comforters
of public morals, public benefactors, and publicans in general; an
inquiry having for its solemn object the discovery of a gifted creature,
who, by nature and accomplishment, shall best glorify the Morning
Taptub, making it another morning sun to the gladdened and uplifted
eyes and hearts of the human race in general, and of Britons in par-
ticular. Very exalting, very gratifying were the speeches made on the
occasion; especially the utterances that were made most musical, most
melancholy by their ring of morality and truth. A vain, coarse, un-
thinking generation has little thought of the greatness and purity of
purpose animating a Black Bull; has no suspiciou whatever of the
deep note of morals and of truth roaring from the chest of the Red
Lion. The Three Jolly Pigeons are doves of tenderness, and the Cock
and Bottle, a Cock that turns up a jewel with every scratch !
The Pig-and-Whistle begged to put the editor of the Morning Tap-
tub on his trial. It was plain that the Taptub demanded the nursing
care of an editor who would join the wisdom of a Minerva with the
thunderbolts of Jove ; a man whose leaders should be pinks of gen-
tility, fragrant and with the dew upon them—fresh from the gardens of
rhetoric, so famous for its flowers. Now, how stood the case ? The
editor was not Minerva ; he hadn't even the little finger of Jupiter ;
and for flowers of rhetoric, what was to be thought of a benighted
individual, who, in this age of light and good manners, should so
degrade the Taptub as to call a rival editor a " nincompoop ? " {Cheers
and sensation) The Pig-and-Whistle had thought such a word banished
from every self-respecting tap-room; nevertheless there it had been
found dimming and defiling the brightness and purity of the Morning
Taptub ! Again, had not the slumbers of Prince Albert been dis-
turbed by the goose-quill of the editor; a goose-quill that had been
made to mix with other goose-feathers of the royal pillow ? Again,
had not the editor declared the Protestant Church in danger from the
appearance of the many mediaeval mugs unrestrictedly exhibited in the
crockery shops of Regent Street and the West End ? Moreover, the
editor in his sympathy with the Anti-Sabbath-Bung-Bill, had advocated
the extension of the measure, so that on Sundays no day-light might be
served between the hours of two and six; and on no pretence whatever
should moon or stars shine or twinkle after ten. Viewing these things
with deep alarm, the Pig-and-Whistle moved that the editor of the
Morning Taptub should be invited to retire into that privacy of life that
his virtues, his morals, and his genius were so well calculated to adorn.
The Bear-and-Ragged-Staff, in a neat growl, seconded the motion.
Mr. Editor rose for his defence. He had travelled much for the
Taptub, and not for his own health, his own pleasure. He had visited
salt mines (salt sometimes being used in beer); he had sought the site
of the Garden of Eden with a view to grains of Paradise. He had not
refused to tread the burning plains of Hindostan with a view to cocculus
Indicus! With respect to the use of the word " nincompoop" he
must say, he thought it a good, bold, sinewy word that, properly ap-
plied would knock down an elephant, or even break the back of a
Prime Minister ! As for Prince Albert he entertained the highest
respect for that gifted individual, and believed that the feeling was
reciprocated with increased intensity. But he knew the object of the
present persecution; it was hatched in the scorpion bosom of the
Catholic Church. Let his enemies prevail, and he knew that in a
week—(he would not mention the name of Cardinal Niceman)—in
a little week a pair of scarlet stockings would sit cross-legged under
the editorial desk of the outraged and betrayed Taptub !
After a very stormy debate, the Pig-and-Whistle's motion was
carried by 176 to 149 ; and five minutes after the Editor followed the
motion in a sedan-chair. He, however, retires—and we are happy to
chronicle the fact—full of honours. Already the London Tavern, the
Freemasons', Dolby's Chop-House, &c, have voted him the freedom of
their establishments. Joe's has sent him the Order of the Gridiron;
and the Cheshire Cheese the Decoration of the Welsh Rabbit.
We cannot, however, dismiss this case without imploring the thought-
ful reader to mark the great moral and commercial advantages that, to
the public at large, must result from it. Of course, as the Witters are
so resolute, so earnest in their determination to have nothing but
purity, health, and strength in their newspaper, they will come to the
like resolution with respect to the commodities of the bar. When an
editor is cashiered for indulging in such low syllables as "nincompoop,"
no censor witler can think of dealing in cocculus Indicus. Since we are
to have all purity in the Taptub, of course we shall have the like
unadulterated excellence in the glittering pewter!
A VIOfcfiNT AGI-TATAR.
We cannot sufficiently express our disgust at the Tatar who has
hoaxed half Europe by prematurely announcing the fall of Sebastopol.
Such a Tatar or Tatux ought to be immediately mashed, and severely
roasted. At the risk of being considered " vulgar " we must say to
all who make a mouth-piece of a mere Tatar or Tatur for promulgating
false news, "Come, come, let's have none of this sort of thing again,
so just shut your Tatur trap."
THE ABUNDANT HARVEST.
The thanksgiving for the abundant harvest was solemnised, with
peculiar fitness, in the parish church of Alum-cum-Potato. There, a
miller and a baker (they were picked out by lot) were compelled to
stand in the middle aisle during the service, dressed in a white sheet,
in penitence for the high price of bread, seeing that wheat had been so
abundant; and further, each of them being
" Crown'd with rank fumiter and furrow-weeds,
With harlocks, hemlock, nettles, cuckoo-flowers,
Darnel, and all the idle weeds that grow
In our sustaining corn."
A good significance in these crowns; showing that if benevolent
plenty sends us a heavy harvest, there is still the miller and the baker,
the " weeds " that grow upon the price of our sustaining bread!
Marine Privileges.—The Admiralty have graciously made it
known to the Marines that, for the sake of uniformity, they may, in
common with the military, wear moustaches ! After this liberal con-
cession, it is expected that the two forces will act with such unanimity
that there will not be a hair's difference between them.