Punch (27.1854)

?M PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

LYNCH LAW; OR, MAKING A DOVE OF PEACE.

SCOTTISH GLORY.

Most people imagine that the Highlanders
distinguished themselves on the Heights of
Alma by actually fighting with and routing
a large number of Russians. This, how-
ever, was not exactly the case, if we may
believe the following paragraph from the
Inverness Advertiser:—

"Highlanders at Ai.ma.—A friend in the Crimea
writes :—'One of the Kussian Generals whom we took
prisoner being asked his opinion of the English troops,
replied that they were all splendid ; hut that whenever
the Russians saw the half-naked fellows without trowsers
marching at them, they knew the day was lost, for the
savages came ou with a yell that no human power could
withstand.' "

We do not, however, believe the above
statement. It is our firm conviction that the
brave Highlanders really and truly bore back
the Russians at the point of the bayonet, and
did not, as pretended by the Russian General,
frighten them away merely by their uncouth
exteriors and horrid screams. The personal
appearance of the Highlander is magnificent,
and his voice is musical; by theseadvantages
he conquers in love only, and not in war. No
Russian is to be terrified by savages that
has ever looked in a glass, and Cossacks are
not to be put down by clamour. At the Battle
of Alma the soldiers of Mknschikoff saw
nothing half so ugly as themselves. It would
be no credit to the Highlanders to have
scared Russians in the field, as if Russians
had been crows: and we wonder what can
induce the Inverness Advertiser to advertise
his gallant countrymen as a race of Guys.

On Dit in the City.—If we received a
check at Balaklava, it has been duly re-
turned.

GENERAL VIEW OE GREECE.

(Know'st thou the Land where the Cypress end Myrtle.)

Know'st thou the land where a sly press's dirt '11

Be flung upon all who won't pay tor its sli-re.
"Where the merchant's a Doo, and the soldier's a Tiiurtell,
_ And the lawyer's their trusty accomplice in crime ?
Know'st thou the land, once beloved of the Nine,
More lately the scene of Pacifico's shine,
Where a soft head like Otho's the Crown could assume,
A King, with the mien of an underbred groom—
Where the traders in feats of rascality vie, )
Where they cheat if you sell, and they cheat if you buy, >
And to list to a native's to list to a lie. )
Where if trees (as we say) may be known by their fruit,
One's certain that Honesty never struck root.
Where their dastardly banner bears Christendom's sign,
in type that each fight is a Cross, we opine ?
Tis the fair land of Greece, whose demoralized son
Exults in the hope that the Russians have won.
Oh ! wild are his accents, when telegraphs tell
That our soldiers are doing their duty right well.

FROM THE DEAD LETTER OFFICE.

" Dear Punch,—I have learned the English language since I have
been in Elysium, and 1 think that the English newspapers have not
used me well, spinning out my y rau, r, eVt tuv, into 14 or 15 lines ■
what I really said was

" Come back with your rav,
Or 1 '11 think that you ran.

Come back upon tuv,
And I '11 call you a man.
" 13//; Nov. 1854." " The Seaman Mother."

And it's all Tol (derollol) eration, &c—Toleration means
allowing you to think as I do, but directly vou want me to think as
vou do, then it s gross In toleration.

NEW PROFESSORSHIP.

The Cambridge Philosophical Society having found that newspapers
are absolutely essential to the successful following up of the pursuits of
science—a representation to that effect has been made to the University
Commission, and the establishment of a new Professorship is the result.
The Licensed Victuallers having suven, or being about, to give, the
Editor of the Morning Advertiser'the sack, that renowned traveller and
Protestant champion has accepted the appointment of Regius Prolessor
of Penny-a-lineism. We have been kindly favoured with a list ot the
questions which will be asked at the first Examination—we subjoin a
lew:—

1. Find the circumference of the most "enormous gooseberry," and

explain the ramifications of its roots.

2. Extract the roots mentioned in the foregoing question, and show

that they are "inversely" as the Times, and directly as the
"square" of Printing House.

3. Show how point is given to an article at three halfpence a line

and give the method of diffusing small matters over a large
surface.

4. To what crystalline system may the Palace at Sydenham be re-

ferred. Show the relation of the roof generally, and the dome
or doma in particular to the longer and shorter axes • and state
the relative number of plain and pretty faces oa shilling and
five shilling days respectively.

5. WTho is the author of the following passage ? Construe it—

Av akapjxivy (pipe /3poKS out Xaar vire iv Or] vety'fiovp ooS o<p ~2,aivr
Bapvafias oui8ovt, avd up it 'aS kovtivvcS (pop a Kwo~i5epa/3A.e o<p
TLfj.e (pov\S SovPrAecrs 'a $r\v a-rrej'SeS oviQ KovaiSepaftAe Aocrs 0(p
\i(pe av5 TTpoirepTi, /3vt, K. r. a.

6. Show that 1 penny = 3 halfpence, and quote authorities in support

of the opinion that P. Liny the Younger was the first reporter.

the danger oe dogmatism.

A Bishop may be thankful that his charge is not a charge of cavalry,
but he should nevertheless remember that he stands some chance of
being cut up.