DOI Heft:
July to December, 1854
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16614#0218
210
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOW TO TAKE CRONSTADT.
Now tell me—am I authorised to say
That with a single schooner and a crew
Of twenty men—you could effect the object ?
Tonkins. Mind you ! There's one condition !
Smith. And what's that ?
Tomkins. I must do everyth ing—in my own way.
Jones. Of course ! Why what would Wellington have done
If he 'd not had his way ?
Tomkins. That's what I tell them.
Give me (Yes! ring the bell!) a schooner [right!)
With twenty men (whistles.) Good morning, Gentlemen.
[The Train moves on.
Smith. You see, what might be done, if Government
Went to the proper men.
Jones. Exactly so.
Now, here's a man—lost as a Station Master,
Who. if he had the opportunity,
Would—
[_A fearful shriek from the railway whistle, followed by the whirling
of the train into a tunnel, brings the Scene to a close.
ence, not very long
ago, and we have thrown it into blank verse as being best suited to
the heroic nature of the subject:
SCENE—A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
dramatis persons.
Smith 7 t> t< n
. r liattwaij 1 ravfllers.
Jones j *"
Tumkins ...... Station Master.
The Train has just stopped.
Smith. 'Tis a sad business, Sir, this Russian War.
Jones. 'Tis very sad ! hast seen the morning paper
It is a remarkable
fact, that while the
professional soldiers
and sailors, the ex-
perienced generals
and admirals, find so
much difficulty in
terminating success-
fully the War with
Russia, it is impos-
sible to go anywhere
any day without find-
ing somebody who if
he could only have
his own way, would
make us masters of
Sebastopol, Cron-
stadt, or any other
stronghold of the
Sf^aAoS! The PROTESTANTS AT A PREMIUM,
following scene took j The announcement of a new Holy Office, to be called The PRO-
placc in our pres- TESTANT Life Assurance Company, appears in the columns of
some of our contemporaries. We have not seen the Prospectus, but
we understand that the following is one of the papers which every
person will be required to fill up, who proposes to effect an Assurance
with a Company bearing a very similar name.
1. What is your name ?
2. In what kind of edifice were you christened ? Are you quite
sure that it was not, and never had been a Roman Catholic place ol
worship ?
3. Have you ever been afflicted with Puseyism ?
4. Do you regularly subsrribe to buy a Guy, and assist, during
certain hours at feast, on the EkIj of November, in carrying him about ?
5. Would you take wine with a Roman Catholic gentleman, or dance
with a Roman Catholic lady ?
G. Did you ever call the Missal by any other name than the Mass
Book, or speak of the Roman Catholic Clergy except as Popish priests ?
7. Were you ever troubled with the slightest doubt as to the ultimate
destiny of every lay and clerical professor of the Roman Catholic
faith?
8. Do you consider it possible for a Roman Catholic to do a good
action ?
9. Could you be induced, whatever might be your complaint, to take
a dose of Jesuit's Bark ?
10. Would you drink S. Jullien, S. Emilion, S. Peray, S. Estepiie,
or any other wine named after a Popish Saint ?
11. Would you do at Rome as they do at Rome ?
12. Has your Grandmother, Great Aunt, Little Aunt, Wife, Sister,
Niece, Eemale Cousin, Daughter, or Grandaughter ever worn as orna-
ment a Cross of any kind ?
13. Have you been Vaccinated, and if so, was the lymph taken from
a Protestant baby, and the operation performed by a Protestant
doctor ?
1L Do you feel a due aversion for the Douay version ?
Smith. I have, 'tis very full of " latest news,'
So late as to have left the scene of action
A week at least ere the events occurred,
Which form the subject of the " latest news."
Jones. The Electric Telegraph is truly called
" A great invention "—for it doth invent
Some novel fiction nearly every day.
Smith. That's true, indeed; but tell me, Sir, what think ycu?
Shall we succeed, or will this Russia beat us ?
Jones. Upon my word, the question puzzles me.
But do you know the Station Master here ?
One Tomkins—once a Master in the Navy.
He '11 tell us all about it.
Smith. So he will!
We couldn't light upon a better man. {Calling out of the carriage.
Hi! Tomkins.
Jones (also calling). Tomkins ! Mr. Tomkins. Hi!
Smith. He sees us, for he's coming up this way. 15. Give a reference to an intimate friend who can satisfy the Office
[Tomkins appears at the window of the carriage, i that you arc in no danger of believing that any commandment about
Tomkins. What is it, Gentlemen ? j duty to your neighbour was ever intended to refer to a member of the
Smith. W"e have been talking
About the Russian War ! Now, you can tell us.
Now give us your opinion.
_ Jones. Yes ! now, Tomkins.
You've been a sailor !
Roman Catholic religion.
A Winning Throw.
Tomkins ' Yes! I've been afloat Tke Times correspondent says that our Riflemen lately met some
And know'a hawser from a marlingspike ; ' I Russian soldiers in a quarry, and both being without ammunition they
At least, I ought to (laughing). \ commenced pitching large blocks of granite at each other. It is evident
Jones (aside to Smith). He's the verv man. ! fr°m that should powder and shot fail the war will not be at an
I'd take his judgment sooner than I'd take " I ?nd ^ °?.r m™ can get within a stone s throw of the enemy Hos-
The word of half the Admiralty Lords. j Uht? has evidently been brought to such a pitch, that the parties will
Now, Tomkins, give us vour opinion, do (aloud.) S>° on pitching into each other as long as there is anything witn which
the Allies can have a shy at the Russians.
economy of war.
Tomkins. Well, as for that you see, the thing's as plain
As that there radway signal.
Jones. Ah ! you mean,
We might have taken Cronstadt. _ , - ,
Tomkins. Mi°rit have taken '' Political Economy says that supply should be proportioned to
Why bless" you ! let me have a single schooner, demand. If the same "principle is observed in Military Economy with
And put aboard a crew of twenty men, respect to reinforcements for the Crimea, it wdl be found the best
And I'd soon show the Admiralty folks economy in the end.____
How to take Cronstadt! _
Smith. Would you though, indeed ! Breaches Mending at Sebastopol.—We are told by the Electric
Tomkins. Oh ! that I would ! in less than half an hour. j Telegraph that " the Bombardment continued, but the Breaches were
Jones. This is important—let me understand you. always repaired." Certainly, those Russians are good tailors.
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOW TO TAKE CRONSTADT.
Now tell me—am I authorised to say
That with a single schooner and a crew
Of twenty men—you could effect the object ?
Tonkins. Mind you ! There's one condition !
Smith. And what's that ?
Tomkins. I must do everyth ing—in my own way.
Jones. Of course ! Why what would Wellington have done
If he 'd not had his way ?
Tomkins. That's what I tell them.
Give me (Yes! ring the bell!) a schooner [right!)
With twenty men (whistles.) Good morning, Gentlemen.
[The Train moves on.
Smith. You see, what might be done, if Government
Went to the proper men.
Jones. Exactly so.
Now, here's a man—lost as a Station Master,
Who. if he had the opportunity,
Would—
[_A fearful shriek from the railway whistle, followed by the whirling
of the train into a tunnel, brings the Scene to a close.
ence, not very long
ago, and we have thrown it into blank verse as being best suited to
the heroic nature of the subject:
SCENE—A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
dramatis persons.
Smith 7 t> t< n
. r liattwaij 1 ravfllers.
Jones j *"
Tumkins ...... Station Master.
The Train has just stopped.
Smith. 'Tis a sad business, Sir, this Russian War.
Jones. 'Tis very sad ! hast seen the morning paper
It is a remarkable
fact, that while the
professional soldiers
and sailors, the ex-
perienced generals
and admirals, find so
much difficulty in
terminating success-
fully the War with
Russia, it is impos-
sible to go anywhere
any day without find-
ing somebody who if
he could only have
his own way, would
make us masters of
Sebastopol, Cron-
stadt, or any other
stronghold of the
Sf^aAoS! The PROTESTANTS AT A PREMIUM,
following scene took j The announcement of a new Holy Office, to be called The PRO-
placc in our pres- TESTANT Life Assurance Company, appears in the columns of
some of our contemporaries. We have not seen the Prospectus, but
we understand that the following is one of the papers which every
person will be required to fill up, who proposes to effect an Assurance
with a Company bearing a very similar name.
1. What is your name ?
2. In what kind of edifice were you christened ? Are you quite
sure that it was not, and never had been a Roman Catholic place ol
worship ?
3. Have you ever been afflicted with Puseyism ?
4. Do you regularly subsrribe to buy a Guy, and assist, during
certain hours at feast, on the EkIj of November, in carrying him about ?
5. Would you take wine with a Roman Catholic gentleman, or dance
with a Roman Catholic lady ?
G. Did you ever call the Missal by any other name than the Mass
Book, or speak of the Roman Catholic Clergy except as Popish priests ?
7. Were you ever troubled with the slightest doubt as to the ultimate
destiny of every lay and clerical professor of the Roman Catholic
faith?
8. Do you consider it possible for a Roman Catholic to do a good
action ?
9. Could you be induced, whatever might be your complaint, to take
a dose of Jesuit's Bark ?
10. Would you drink S. Jullien, S. Emilion, S. Peray, S. Estepiie,
or any other wine named after a Popish Saint ?
11. Would you do at Rome as they do at Rome ?
12. Has your Grandmother, Great Aunt, Little Aunt, Wife, Sister,
Niece, Eemale Cousin, Daughter, or Grandaughter ever worn as orna-
ment a Cross of any kind ?
13. Have you been Vaccinated, and if so, was the lymph taken from
a Protestant baby, and the operation performed by a Protestant
doctor ?
1L Do you feel a due aversion for the Douay version ?
Smith. I have, 'tis very full of " latest news,'
So late as to have left the scene of action
A week at least ere the events occurred,
Which form the subject of the " latest news."
Jones. The Electric Telegraph is truly called
" A great invention "—for it doth invent
Some novel fiction nearly every day.
Smith. That's true, indeed; but tell me, Sir, what think ycu?
Shall we succeed, or will this Russia beat us ?
Jones. Upon my word, the question puzzles me.
But do you know the Station Master here ?
One Tomkins—once a Master in the Navy.
He '11 tell us all about it.
Smith. So he will!
We couldn't light upon a better man. {Calling out of the carriage.
Hi! Tomkins.
Jones (also calling). Tomkins ! Mr. Tomkins. Hi!
Smith. He sees us, for he's coming up this way. 15. Give a reference to an intimate friend who can satisfy the Office
[Tomkins appears at the window of the carriage, i that you arc in no danger of believing that any commandment about
Tomkins. What is it, Gentlemen ? j duty to your neighbour was ever intended to refer to a member of the
Smith. W"e have been talking
About the Russian War ! Now, you can tell us.
Now give us your opinion.
_ Jones. Yes ! now, Tomkins.
You've been a sailor !
Roman Catholic religion.
A Winning Throw.
Tomkins ' Yes! I've been afloat Tke Times correspondent says that our Riflemen lately met some
And know'a hawser from a marlingspike ; ' I Russian soldiers in a quarry, and both being without ammunition they
At least, I ought to (laughing). \ commenced pitching large blocks of granite at each other. It is evident
Jones (aside to Smith). He's the verv man. ! fr°m that should powder and shot fail the war will not be at an
I'd take his judgment sooner than I'd take " I ?nd ^ °?.r m™ can get within a stone s throw of the enemy Hos-
The word of half the Admiralty Lords. j Uht? has evidently been brought to such a pitch, that the parties will
Now, Tomkins, give us vour opinion, do (aloud.) S>° on pitching into each other as long as there is anything witn which
the Allies can have a shy at the Russians.
economy of war.
Tomkins. Well, as for that you see, the thing's as plain
As that there radway signal.
Jones. Ah ! you mean,
We might have taken Cronstadt. _ , - ,
Tomkins. Mi°rit have taken '' Political Economy says that supply should be proportioned to
Why bless" you ! let me have a single schooner, demand. If the same "principle is observed in Military Economy with
And put aboard a crew of twenty men, respect to reinforcements for the Crimea, it wdl be found the best
And I'd soon show the Admiralty folks economy in the end.____
How to take Cronstadt! _
Smith. Would you though, indeed ! Breaches Mending at Sebastopol.—We are told by the Electric
Tomkins. Oh ! that I would ! in less than half an hour. j Telegraph that " the Bombardment continued, but the Breaches were
Jones. This is important—let me understand you. always repaired." Certainly, those Russians are good tailors.