DOI issue:
July 28, 1855
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16616#0053
July 28, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 4
A NEW SYSTEM OF ATTACK.
N Kertch, Sebastopol,
and other out-of-the-
way places, where you
would imagine that Dis-
turber of the Peace of
Private Families had
never penetrated, pianos
have been found. If the
Russians were wise,
ihey would bring all
those instruments of
torture out upon the
ramparts, and begin
playing upon them all
at once. The Allies
would infallibly raise
the siege. They would
never be able to stand
such a terrible attack
as that, and would retire
as far as possible to get
awav from the sound of
it. The "din of war"
would be quite a love-
whisper compared to it.
Only let them bring
forward a girl's-school
in full practice, well
supported by two or
three Germanprofessors
with a touch of the
forty-Broadwood power of Litz, and our word for if, cney would effectually clear the Crimea
in less than a day. Depend upon it, it would be the last thing heard of the Siege of
Sebastopol.
THE CORDON BLEU.
dedicated to the honourable alexis soyer
Air—" The Minstrel Boy."
The Cordon Bleu to the War is gone,
In the ranks of death you'll find him :
His snow-white apron is girded on,
And his Magic Stove's behind him.
" Army Beef," said the Cordon Bleu,
"Though a stupid bungler slays thee,
One skilful hand thy steaks shall stew,
One artist's pan shall braise thee."
The Cook went forth, and the foe in vain
On his pots and pans did thunder,
He thicked thin gravy, he sauced the plain,
And he sliced coarse lumps asunder.
And he cried, " A Cook can defy, you see,
A Commissariat's knavery;
The Soldier who saves a Nation free,
Should have a Ration savoury."
The King of Portugal.
We understand that the King oe Portugal
will not undergo the ceremony of complete coro-
nation, until all Portuguese bondholders are, in
some way, satisfied. This is at once delicate
and conscientious on the part of his Majesty.
When the bondholders have received two-and-
sixpence in the pound, then his Majesty pro-
poses to be half-crowned; when the two-and-
sixpence is made five shillings, the king will
undergo the other moiety of the ceremony,
and enjoy a crown complete.
WHO IS A TRAVELLER ?
The evidence given by the London magistracy before the Sunday
Beer Act Committee, has been very imperfectly reported in the news-
papers. Very many interesting and most suggestive questions, with
the most pregnant and instructive replies, have been wholly suppressed,
and others sadly garbled. Por instance, Sir Robert Carden, Alder-
man, has by no means had justice done to him. It is true that he was
faithfully reported when he declared his desire to introduce everywhere
the Maine Liquor Law; he himself standing apart from the operation
of the enactment. Sir Robert, we understand, would not only close
every public-house for ever and for ever, (the City companies have their
own cellars), but would condemn every publican, in penance for his past
sins, to work gratis at any fire-engine required by any fire. Sir Robert
himself is worthy of being appointed turncock to creation, for his evi-
dence was "one wishy, washy, everlasting flood" of water—Thames-
water. There is an over piety at which decent people are fain to hold
the nose. Towards the conclusion of Sir Robert's evidence the com-
mittee indulged in copious lustrations of eau-de-Cologne ; and, at its
termination it was found necessary to fairlv sluice the committee-room
Worship Street. By no means.
By the Chairman. State your reasons to the Committee.
Worship Street. A bond fide traveller is a traveller far away from his
usual place of abode. Now, the Sea Serpent cannot, 1 humbly suggest,
be a traveller; because anywhere in the ocean the Sea Serpent must
be considered quite at home. {Sensation.)
Lambeth Street Examined.
By the Chairman. You are a reader of Shakspeare ?
Lambeth Street. I have some knowledge of that individual.
By the Chairman. Do you know Puck ?
Lambeth Street. I have seen him, with considerable satisfaction, at
Sadler's Wells.
By Mr. Villiers. Do you consider Fuck a bond fide traveller ?
Lambeth Street. That very much depends upon bis occupation at the
time.
By the Chairman. Por instance : you remember that passage, in
which the fairy king Oberon commands Buck k> fetch him that " little
western flower ? " The flower-
Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound,
■ ith vinegar before continuing the proceedings. However, we have i And maidens call it love-in-idleness?
noted the error of omission in certain points of evidence delivered by
Police Magistrates, and shall proceed to supply them.
Bow Street Examined.
By the Chairman. Do you consider a swallow a traveller ?
Bow Street. Certainly not.
Chairman. No ? Why, it is known that the swallows, following a
certain law, leave us every fall, and return every spring. Surely,
swallows are travellers?
Bow Street. I should not hold them travellers. If they go abroad, it
is for their own pleasure ; aud^to travel for pleasure, cannot be—as I
should interpret the act—bond fide travelling.
By Mr. Villiers. As we have touched upon the lower range of
animal life,—do you consider a honey-bee a traveller?
Bow Street. Certainly: because a honey-bi-e is oat upon business;
and therefore I should think it wrong to shut up all the flowers the
whole of the Sunday against him. 1 think, however, with my friend
Sir Robert Carden that, on the Sabbath, it would be a pious example,
if even the bees carried on their occupation without singing: the same
might apply—on their Sundays out—to skylarks. I have known some
righteous people, on th'jir way »o and from church, much scandalised by
the out-door singing of sk; lark".
Worship Street Examined.
By the Chairman. Do you consider the Sea Serpent a bond tide
traveller ?
You remember Oberon's commission ? He bids Puck hence :
" Fetch me this hub, and be thou here again,
Ere the leviathan can swim a league."
The passage is familiar to you ?
Lambeth Street. It is. If I may trust my memory (for I confess, 1
have not a very, very good memory)—Puck makes answer—
" i '11 put a girdle round about the earth
In forty minutes."
If I may trust my memory, those are the very words.
Chairman. Very good. Now, under such pressing circumstances,
should you not consider Puck a bond fide traveller ?
Lambeth Street. Oh, dear no ! Quite otherwise.
Mr. Villiers. Be good enough to state your reasons.
Lambeth Street. Certainly. You will concede that Puck is the agent
the mere agent of Gleron: you will also allow the validity of the old
law maxim—Qui facitper alium,facit per se ?
Chairman. It is not disputed.
Lambeth Street. Now, a bond fide traveller is one who is compelled to
travel for business ; but the journey undertaken by Puck for his master
cannot be so interpreted.
Mr. Villiers. Why not ?
Lambeth Street. Because, it is a journey commanded by Oberon simply
that he may obtain the means of vexing his wife ; and being undertaken
with such intent cannot, I submit, be considered as any other than a
journey of pleasure,
Vol. 29.
2—2
A NEW SYSTEM OF ATTACK.
N Kertch, Sebastopol,
and other out-of-the-
way places, where you
would imagine that Dis-
turber of the Peace of
Private Families had
never penetrated, pianos
have been found. If the
Russians were wise,
ihey would bring all
those instruments of
torture out upon the
ramparts, and begin
playing upon them all
at once. The Allies
would infallibly raise
the siege. They would
never be able to stand
such a terrible attack
as that, and would retire
as far as possible to get
awav from the sound of
it. The "din of war"
would be quite a love-
whisper compared to it.
Only let them bring
forward a girl's-school
in full practice, well
supported by two or
three Germanprofessors
with a touch of the
forty-Broadwood power of Litz, and our word for if, cney would effectually clear the Crimea
in less than a day. Depend upon it, it would be the last thing heard of the Siege of
Sebastopol.
THE CORDON BLEU.
dedicated to the honourable alexis soyer
Air—" The Minstrel Boy."
The Cordon Bleu to the War is gone,
In the ranks of death you'll find him :
His snow-white apron is girded on,
And his Magic Stove's behind him.
" Army Beef," said the Cordon Bleu,
"Though a stupid bungler slays thee,
One skilful hand thy steaks shall stew,
One artist's pan shall braise thee."
The Cook went forth, and the foe in vain
On his pots and pans did thunder,
He thicked thin gravy, he sauced the plain,
And he sliced coarse lumps asunder.
And he cried, " A Cook can defy, you see,
A Commissariat's knavery;
The Soldier who saves a Nation free,
Should have a Ration savoury."
The King of Portugal.
We understand that the King oe Portugal
will not undergo the ceremony of complete coro-
nation, until all Portuguese bondholders are, in
some way, satisfied. This is at once delicate
and conscientious on the part of his Majesty.
When the bondholders have received two-and-
sixpence in the pound, then his Majesty pro-
poses to be half-crowned; when the two-and-
sixpence is made five shillings, the king will
undergo the other moiety of the ceremony,
and enjoy a crown complete.
WHO IS A TRAVELLER ?
The evidence given by the London magistracy before the Sunday
Beer Act Committee, has been very imperfectly reported in the news-
papers. Very many interesting and most suggestive questions, with
the most pregnant and instructive replies, have been wholly suppressed,
and others sadly garbled. Por instance, Sir Robert Carden, Alder-
man, has by no means had justice done to him. It is true that he was
faithfully reported when he declared his desire to introduce everywhere
the Maine Liquor Law; he himself standing apart from the operation
of the enactment. Sir Robert, we understand, would not only close
every public-house for ever and for ever, (the City companies have their
own cellars), but would condemn every publican, in penance for his past
sins, to work gratis at any fire-engine required by any fire. Sir Robert
himself is worthy of being appointed turncock to creation, for his evi-
dence was "one wishy, washy, everlasting flood" of water—Thames-
water. There is an over piety at which decent people are fain to hold
the nose. Towards the conclusion of Sir Robert's evidence the com-
mittee indulged in copious lustrations of eau-de-Cologne ; and, at its
termination it was found necessary to fairlv sluice the committee-room
Worship Street. By no means.
By the Chairman. State your reasons to the Committee.
Worship Street. A bond fide traveller is a traveller far away from his
usual place of abode. Now, the Sea Serpent cannot, 1 humbly suggest,
be a traveller; because anywhere in the ocean the Sea Serpent must
be considered quite at home. {Sensation.)
Lambeth Street Examined.
By the Chairman. You are a reader of Shakspeare ?
Lambeth Street. I have some knowledge of that individual.
By the Chairman. Do you know Puck ?
Lambeth Street. I have seen him, with considerable satisfaction, at
Sadler's Wells.
By Mr. Villiers. Do you consider Fuck a bond fide traveller ?
Lambeth Street. That very much depends upon bis occupation at the
time.
By the Chairman. Por instance : you remember that passage, in
which the fairy king Oberon commands Buck k> fetch him that " little
western flower ? " The flower-
Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound,
■ ith vinegar before continuing the proceedings. However, we have i And maidens call it love-in-idleness?
noted the error of omission in certain points of evidence delivered by
Police Magistrates, and shall proceed to supply them.
Bow Street Examined.
By the Chairman. Do you consider a swallow a traveller ?
Bow Street. Certainly not.
Chairman. No ? Why, it is known that the swallows, following a
certain law, leave us every fall, and return every spring. Surely,
swallows are travellers?
Bow Street. I should not hold them travellers. If they go abroad, it
is for their own pleasure ; aud^to travel for pleasure, cannot be—as I
should interpret the act—bond fide travelling.
By Mr. Villiers. As we have touched upon the lower range of
animal life,—do you consider a honey-bee a traveller?
Bow Street. Certainly: because a honey-bi-e is oat upon business;
and therefore I should think it wrong to shut up all the flowers the
whole of the Sunday against him. 1 think, however, with my friend
Sir Robert Carden that, on the Sabbath, it would be a pious example,
if even the bees carried on their occupation without singing: the same
might apply—on their Sundays out—to skylarks. I have known some
righteous people, on th'jir way »o and from church, much scandalised by
the out-door singing of sk; lark".
Worship Street Examined.
By the Chairman. Do you consider the Sea Serpent a bond tide
traveller ?
You remember Oberon's commission ? He bids Puck hence :
" Fetch me this hub, and be thou here again,
Ere the leviathan can swim a league."
The passage is familiar to you ?
Lambeth Street. It is. If I may trust my memory (for I confess, 1
have not a very, very good memory)—Puck makes answer—
" i '11 put a girdle round about the earth
In forty minutes."
If I may trust my memory, those are the very words.
Chairman. Very good. Now, under such pressing circumstances,
should you not consider Puck a bond fide traveller ?
Lambeth Street. Oh, dear no ! Quite otherwise.
Mr. Villiers. Be good enough to state your reasons.
Lambeth Street. Certainly. You will concede that Puck is the agent
the mere agent of Gleron: you will also allow the validity of the old
law maxim—Qui facitper alium,facit per se ?
Chairman. It is not disputed.
Lambeth Street. Now, a bond fide traveller is one who is compelled to
travel for business ; but the journey undertaken by Puck for his master
cannot be so interpreted.
Mr. Villiers. Why not ?
Lambeth Street. Because, it is a journey commanded by Oberon simply
that he may obtain the means of vexing his wife ; and being undertaken
with such intent cannot, I submit, be considered as any other than a
journey of pleasure,
Vol. 29.
2—2