DOI issue:
October 6, 1855
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16616#0145
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
133
THE DISTILLER IN DIFFICULTIES.
E are informed by a
Scotch Distiller,that
the Commissioners
of Inland Revenue
have published, for
the guidance of Su-
pervisors and Distil-
lers, a book of in-
structions : in which
occurs the following
direction :—
" The windows of the
mill-room, if not glazed,
must have coverings of
wire gauze or perforated
metal, and be so secured
that no malt can be re-
moved through them.
The man is to be locked
in, and the door must not
lie opened for his ingress
or igress oftener than
|— once in three hours, and
then only on notice in
writing, except in cases
of emergency."
Poor man! How is be to make his emergency known ? The Board
does not, we suppose, require that anybody shall be in attendance out-
side the door to open it, m the event of an "emergency" occurring to
the man. What is he to do? Write a formal demand for liberation
and pass it under the door—for he will be unable to throw it out of
window—and take the chance of its getting picked up and conveyed to
the key-keeper? Or shout and scream, proclaiming the ground of his
claim to be released in a loud voice ?—But suppose his emergency were
apoplexy!
Our spirituous Scotch friend furnishes us with two other notable
precepts from the same code ; viz., firstly:—
" The sacks in which malt is removed must be free from patches or holes, and the
folds of the seams must be in the inside. The mouth of each sack is to be securely
elosed by the trader with strong cord, sewn or fastened to the bagging, and when tied,
passing twice at least round the neck."
That a sack of malt should be free from holes is not merely very
desirable, but absolutely necessary. But one would think that the
purchaser might be safely Jeft to take care of that. Caveat emptor.
That the folds of the seams of the sack should be in the inside is mani-
fest, but the Inland Revenue Board might have been saved the trouble
of making an express order to that effect by the consideration, that
there is hardly anybody who would be likely to turn the seamy side
outwards.
Secondly:—
" With a packing needle, a piece of red tape is to be drawn through a fold in the
neck ot the sack, drawn tight round the neck, and tied in a double knot, the ends are
then to be passed through the small holes of a leaden seal, the tape drawn tight and
tied in another double knot, when the lead is to be shifted, so as to cover the last
named knot, aud the seal is to be firmly closed upon it, with an impression of the die
with which each officer is to be furnished."
The great Macedonian cut-throat and robber, the namesake of the
present Empekob, op Russia, contrived to deal with the Gordian knot
by cutting it. That knot had to be untied,—this has to be tied; pro-
bably, however, the Distiller will treat the Government knot as the
despoiler treated the Gordian, and cut the thing. Being Davtjs and
not (Edipus, he will never attempt to solve such a puzzle as the formula
above_quoted ; which the Commissioners of Inland Revenue had better
send in for publication in the next edition of the Boys' Own Book,
accompanied, of course, by an explanatory diagram. It will not have
escaped observation, that the ligament by which this wonderful knot
has to be tied on the malt-sack, by order of Government, is Red Tape.
A very proper material for that application. Red Tape to the sack—
the sack to Red Tape!
GERMAN DOMESTIC ECONOMJ.
How is it, that in the German hotels they never give you any more
than one towel P
How is it, that they are just as liberal with their water?—the quantity
given being the proportion that in England is generally put into a
finger-glass ?
flow is it, that at dinner they only give you one knife and fork to do
duty for about five-and-forty dishes, consisting of every possible variety
of joint, game, pastry, fruit, preserve, pickle, and cabbage ?
If this is the cleanliness, if this is the system of domestic economy
practised by the Germans in their best hotels, where everything is open
to the criticism of strangers, we tremble to think what can be the state
of cleanliness, and what must be the awful destitution of domestic
economy, practised by them in their own homes !
CRIMINAL PREFERENCE.
We read in a weekly contemporary,
" Many of our most active thieves now prefer immediate punishment under the new
larceny act, instead of the former system of delay."
This statement must afford gratification to every reader. Any legis-
lative improvement which tends to the facilitation of commerce—the
equivalent of thieving, according to court poets—must be welcome to
a commercial population. The "delay," which used to impede the
" activity " of operations in silk, specie, purse-leather, and other articles,
was much to be deplored, and we doubt not that the amended " system "
will be found to have an invigorating effect upon the markets, especially
those in Field Lane and Houndsditch. Could any further plan be
suggested for preventing the unnecessary shackling of commeice, or
commercialists ? A Thieves' Clearing-House, perhaps, might be advan-
tageously established, and the banking experience of an eminent and
saintly prig—now in durances-would naturally point him out (or its
Superintendent, when the expiration of certain probable engagements
shall permit him again to give his attention to business. In the
meantime we trust that the Magistrates will do their best to carry out
the intention of the Legislature, and with as little "delay" as possible
consign " many of our most active thieves " to the sphere in which
their activity may have the amplest pcope, and where Whips and Crank*
may reward its *' wanton wiles."
A BRILLIANT TRANSLATION.
1st Britisher (with intense pronunciation). " Oahfay Flahmarng—Well
now, what do you say to a glass of bitter beer at this Flaming Corfy.''
NOT QUITE POSTED UP.
Otjb, affectionate cousins in America so seldom give us credit for
being in advance of themselves in the smallest matter, that it is doubly
vexing, when they do condescend to praise us, to hnd the praise unde-
served. A case of this kind occurs in the last file of New York papers*.
A fearful railway catastrophe—"massacre"—the New York Herald
more justly calls it, had elicited a very severe article from the Editor,
who vehemently denounced the cupidity and negligence of railway
Directors, and the inefficiency of the laws to compel them to provide
for the public safety. The article might be tr ansferred, bodily, to a
London paper, apropos of any of the " massacres" which have recently
taken place on our own lines. The only passage which, we are truly
sorry to say, would have to be expunged, would be the New York
journalist's statement, that "for lesser offences against public safety,
British Radway Directors have been imprisoned for a term of years."
We no more think of punishing rich and respectable people than our
American cousins do. We send engine-drivers, pointsmen, station-
masters, and such like canaille to prison " for a term," but a Railway
Director—the really guilty party—imprison him ! " No, our fair cousin! '
133
THE DISTILLER IN DIFFICULTIES.
E are informed by a
Scotch Distiller,that
the Commissioners
of Inland Revenue
have published, for
the guidance of Su-
pervisors and Distil-
lers, a book of in-
structions : in which
occurs the following
direction :—
" The windows of the
mill-room, if not glazed,
must have coverings of
wire gauze or perforated
metal, and be so secured
that no malt can be re-
moved through them.
The man is to be locked
in, and the door must not
lie opened for his ingress
or igress oftener than
|— once in three hours, and
then only on notice in
writing, except in cases
of emergency."
Poor man! How is be to make his emergency known ? The Board
does not, we suppose, require that anybody shall be in attendance out-
side the door to open it, m the event of an "emergency" occurring to
the man. What is he to do? Write a formal demand for liberation
and pass it under the door—for he will be unable to throw it out of
window—and take the chance of its getting picked up and conveyed to
the key-keeper? Or shout and scream, proclaiming the ground of his
claim to be released in a loud voice ?—But suppose his emergency were
apoplexy!
Our spirituous Scotch friend furnishes us with two other notable
precepts from the same code ; viz., firstly:—
" The sacks in which malt is removed must be free from patches or holes, and the
folds of the seams must be in the inside. The mouth of each sack is to be securely
elosed by the trader with strong cord, sewn or fastened to the bagging, and when tied,
passing twice at least round the neck."
That a sack of malt should be free from holes is not merely very
desirable, but absolutely necessary. But one would think that the
purchaser might be safely Jeft to take care of that. Caveat emptor.
That the folds of the seams of the sack should be in the inside is mani-
fest, but the Inland Revenue Board might have been saved the trouble
of making an express order to that effect by the consideration, that
there is hardly anybody who would be likely to turn the seamy side
outwards.
Secondly:—
" With a packing needle, a piece of red tape is to be drawn through a fold in the
neck ot the sack, drawn tight round the neck, and tied in a double knot, the ends are
then to be passed through the small holes of a leaden seal, the tape drawn tight and
tied in another double knot, when the lead is to be shifted, so as to cover the last
named knot, aud the seal is to be firmly closed upon it, with an impression of the die
with which each officer is to be furnished."
The great Macedonian cut-throat and robber, the namesake of the
present Empekob, op Russia, contrived to deal with the Gordian knot
by cutting it. That knot had to be untied,—this has to be tied; pro-
bably, however, the Distiller will treat the Government knot as the
despoiler treated the Gordian, and cut the thing. Being Davtjs and
not (Edipus, he will never attempt to solve such a puzzle as the formula
above_quoted ; which the Commissioners of Inland Revenue had better
send in for publication in the next edition of the Boys' Own Book,
accompanied, of course, by an explanatory diagram. It will not have
escaped observation, that the ligament by which this wonderful knot
has to be tied on the malt-sack, by order of Government, is Red Tape.
A very proper material for that application. Red Tape to the sack—
the sack to Red Tape!
GERMAN DOMESTIC ECONOMJ.
How is it, that in the German hotels they never give you any more
than one towel P
How is it, that they are just as liberal with their water?—the quantity
given being the proportion that in England is generally put into a
finger-glass ?
flow is it, that at dinner they only give you one knife and fork to do
duty for about five-and-forty dishes, consisting of every possible variety
of joint, game, pastry, fruit, preserve, pickle, and cabbage ?
If this is the cleanliness, if this is the system of domestic economy
practised by the Germans in their best hotels, where everything is open
to the criticism of strangers, we tremble to think what can be the state
of cleanliness, and what must be the awful destitution of domestic
economy, practised by them in their own homes !
CRIMINAL PREFERENCE.
We read in a weekly contemporary,
" Many of our most active thieves now prefer immediate punishment under the new
larceny act, instead of the former system of delay."
This statement must afford gratification to every reader. Any legis-
lative improvement which tends to the facilitation of commerce—the
equivalent of thieving, according to court poets—must be welcome to
a commercial population. The "delay," which used to impede the
" activity " of operations in silk, specie, purse-leather, and other articles,
was much to be deplored, and we doubt not that the amended " system "
will be found to have an invigorating effect upon the markets, especially
those in Field Lane and Houndsditch. Could any further plan be
suggested for preventing the unnecessary shackling of commeice, or
commercialists ? A Thieves' Clearing-House, perhaps, might be advan-
tageously established, and the banking experience of an eminent and
saintly prig—now in durances-would naturally point him out (or its
Superintendent, when the expiration of certain probable engagements
shall permit him again to give his attention to business. In the
meantime we trust that the Magistrates will do their best to carry out
the intention of the Legislature, and with as little "delay" as possible
consign " many of our most active thieves " to the sphere in which
their activity may have the amplest pcope, and where Whips and Crank*
may reward its *' wanton wiles."
A BRILLIANT TRANSLATION.
1st Britisher (with intense pronunciation). " Oahfay Flahmarng—Well
now, what do you say to a glass of bitter beer at this Flaming Corfy.''
NOT QUITE POSTED UP.
Otjb, affectionate cousins in America so seldom give us credit for
being in advance of themselves in the smallest matter, that it is doubly
vexing, when they do condescend to praise us, to hnd the praise unde-
served. A case of this kind occurs in the last file of New York papers*.
A fearful railway catastrophe—"massacre"—the New York Herald
more justly calls it, had elicited a very severe article from the Editor,
who vehemently denounced the cupidity and negligence of railway
Directors, and the inefficiency of the laws to compel them to provide
for the public safety. The article might be tr ansferred, bodily, to a
London paper, apropos of any of the " massacres" which have recently
taken place on our own lines. The only passage which, we are truly
sorry to say, would have to be expunged, would be the New York
journalist's statement, that "for lesser offences against public safety,
British Radway Directors have been imprisoned for a term of years."
We no more think of punishing rich and respectable people than our
American cousins do. We send engine-drivers, pointsmen, station-
masters, and such like canaille to prison " for a term," but a Railway
Director—the really guilty party—imprison him ! " No, our fair cousin! '