Punch (29.1855)

August 11, 1855.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

59

Applaud it loud
and long.

JOHN LOVES A LORD. OUR PH1LO-RUSSIAN COUSINS.

HE Rank is but the J To the Editor of Punch.

guinea-stamp, : "Sib,
The Man's the : " Your countrymen appear to be astonished at the circum-

gold ^for a' | stance that few of mine sympathise with them in their present contest
that!"— | with Russia, and that not a few Americans are rather disposed to
Rattle your glasses, | wish that your enemies may whip you. Because we are a free and
clap your hands,1 enlightened nation, Britishers think that we have got to range ourselves
Hip, hip, hip, hip, alongside of civilisation and liberty against despotic government and
hurrah that. | barbarism. But this is a no-ways logical expectation, and just let me
„ , ,. , 11 indicate to you in a few words the reasons why it don't toiler. The
brand sentiment. Czar op Russia is no slave, he isn't. He may be the only freeman in
tnspirin|trutn tiis own dominions, but a freeman he is. He does whatever he pleases;
Ot the bcotcti. -js gei)Uine freedom, The Czab, is monarch of all he surveys, and
ploughman s considerable more. Now in all these here particulars each individual
sacred song. ! American ci'izen stands on the same platform with the Czab. Alex-
tVi <T* i\ if andbb is the center of a more extensive circle than the American
rJ?ii^ I citizen ; but that is all. He rules over serfs • we govern niggers. The
knout is a'most identical with the cowhide; so ihere ain't much to
choose between our scepters. And I tell you that we don't nohow
like to hear serfs and knouts and irresponsible volition cried down.
It is indirectly abusing our own glorious institutions. It is Hogging us
Americans over the Emperor op Russia's shoulders. Opposition to
the Czar's attempt on Turkey would, with a change of circumstances,
be resistance to our annexation of Cuba. It is no more nor less than
a special assertion of the immoral principle of trying 'o prevent a
powerful nation from carrying out its destiny. It is a line which we no
ways approbate.

" We ain't afeard that Russia will subjugate the whole world. We do
not opinionate that she will enslave any more than the Eastern hemis-
phere. We have got to possess ourselves of the Western. This planet
will the.D be divided between ourselves and Russia. In the meantime
we have no vocation to interfere with each other. Russia wilLpursue
her independent course, and we ourn. By that means we shall partition
the globe in a friendly way.

"We cannot forget that we are the descendants of Englishmen,
yet there exists a good many reasons why there should be no love
lost between us and England. Our pilgrim forefathers left the old
country because they couldn't conform to its institutions ; and many of
them were sent here on the same account. Not only that, but some of
your authors have ridiculed our manners and customs. We are a
serious people. It riles us to make fun of us. We can't tolerate it.
But what is wust of all is the language and sentiments of all English
writers respecting our institution of slavery. Their impious abolitionist
doctrines and disgusting negroisms, have given mortal offence to a con-
siderable some of our population.

" It is not a fact that we are indifferent to the prospects and the
danger of European Arts, Libert}', and Learning. Our innards yearn
towards our Anglo-Saxon kindred. But suppose our affection for you
was ever so ardent. Suppose the Cossacks were ten thousand times
more barbarous than they are, and were a-desolating of your hearths and
homes with rapine, fire, and sword. Still we should be unable to
break with Russia She is very valuable. We are tied up to her by
an everlasting strong knot. I mean our trade. That is our business.
Your miseries would be no business of ourn. You are firing five-
pounders sterling shells against Sebastopol. How could we be such
goneys as to pitch dollars at Russia instead of continuing to subduc-
tionate them out of her ? We couldn't afford to give her offense if we
wished. So just abandon all hopes of our allowing- our loafers and
rowdies to list in Victoria's service, or loaning you a helping hand in
any way against our Russian customers. We can't fix it nohow:
that's a fact 1 tell you, which you may ciedit, although 1 am a

"Blackburn, Va., August', 1855. "Know Nothing."

And truth it is : but scarce the truth,
That wakens Coal-hole admiration :

Man's worth may be the nugget—yes,
But Rank gives circulation.

With coin, not nuggets, dust, or quartz,
Buying and selling must be done ;

So fitly, honours and rewards
Rank wears, when worth has won.

But just as smashers in the world

Palm counterfeits that pass for guineas,

So chance, time, circumstance, make Lords,
Whom Nature has made ninnies,

Coin'd money John Bull rings and weighs,
Nor takes it at the passer's word;

But rank's coin he accepts untried :
To John, a Lord's a Lord.

Give to the poorest dolt that lives

A lordly handle to his name,
Untitled worth John spurns aside,

And bids it vail its claim.

If John sets up a railway line,
A Lord to turn the sod is there :

If John for charity would dine,
A Lord must take the chair.

Can any but a Lord's white hand
Lay squarely a foundation-stone ?

If there's a Lord to hold command,
What rights does service own ?

Where there's a Lord, a Lord John takes,
Though Lord knows what the Lord may be

Lord Cardigan a hero makes,
Lord Paget, K.C.B.

Yes, let us grumble as we will,
At this predominance of nobs—

'Tis our own acts that prove us still,
A race of arrant snobs.

The power is mine and yours, good friena
If with one mind we put it forth,

To set up an Australian mint,
And stamp our gold by worth.

MARRIAGE IN CONTINENTAL HIGH LIFE.

Rank's old coin groweth worn and thin, By the MonUW Posfs acc0™t-

Clipt Counterfeit and sore allov'd " A letter from Warsaw states that the marriage of the Grand Duke Nicholas

'Ti« tvmp mir mtYitn'o-p ^ t ' brother of the Emperor of Russia, to the Princess of Oldenburg, daughter ot

J.1s lime OUT mintage were recast, Prince Peter of Oldenburg, has been positively determined on, and will take place

Our nuggets more employ d ! very shortly."

— ---. ' Another apron-tie between Russia and "Fatherland." The Czar

has contracted one more matrimonial alliance with Germany. How
My Lords and the Laboratory. long will Germans wait for the announcement of a political one ?

Perhaps the reason why British Governments generally are reluctant =-— _____—-

to employ Chemistry in aid of Warfare is a slow prudence, that preju- . , . A

dices them against a science of which one of the principal phenomena A Lathering Flung Away.

is Precipitation. _ Jerome Cardan, as recorded by Mr. Morley, was in the habit of

saying, " When you mean to wash, first see that you have a towel

An Appointment " Sewer Generis."—We are requested to state handy." England is to blame for not having better attended to the

that Old Father Thames has been appointed Sole Agent for all the above advice. Before attempting to give Russia a good wipe in the. face,

Cemeteries within fifty miles round London. we ought to have seen that we had our Russian towelling all ready.