Punch (29.1855)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 8, 1355.

A COMPLAINT FROM THE PADDLE-BOX.

By a Captain in the Above-Bridge Service.

All down the Thames I steam until 1 'm ill, 0 !

All down the Thames to Loudon Bridge, from Kew :
And I'm forced by way of antidote before I seek my pillow.

With the draught that is so black to wash down the pill
so blue.

If any one should ask me the reason why I sicken,
I tell him 'lis because I I've on liquified manure:
For while all the draius of Loudon the Thames with garbage
thicken,

Though its tide be e'er so slow, it. will certainly be sewer.

Bes'de the drains, the bone-mills all add their foul out-pour-
ings,

And gaseous filth from gas-works flows in emetic streams ;
And while the dirt, at bottom defies all tidal scouririgs,
With cat and dog inanimate the surface thickly teems.

Then all down the Thames small wonder I'm so ill, 0 !

And shall he until Parliament to cleanse it, finds tl 1 G W a, V \
But, except the liiver-Cholera some sitting Member kill, O '

The II use, I tear, won't listen to advice from Earaoay.

THIS IS CAPTAIN GOGGLES, WHO WOULD SIT FORWARD IN A
HANSOM WHEN IT CAME ON TO RAIN.

THE IMPASSABLE PARK.

Prince Albert is Banger of St. James's Park. He has
a fine view of it from the front of Buckingham Palace, 'i he
prospect, of the busy multitude of foot-passengers, diversified
by nursemaids and hoop-tiundling children, must be pleas-
ing to his Boyal Highness of a fine morning, when, tull of
benevolence aud breakfast, he surveys that scene from one
of the windows, with a serene countenance, and his banns
behind him under the tail of his dressing-gown. Bur, he
must observe one deficiency in the spectacle. He beholds
ln's lioyal Consort's foot subjects, but not Her Majesty's
horse. The com'brtable carriage and convenient cab do not
cross the field of his vision. The look-out is pretty enough,
but deficient in the Hansom Prince Albert being, as
aforesa'd, Banger of the Park, has the power, and doubiless
only wants the hint, to do 'lie handsome thing by conceding
a carriage way across it to the cabs.

STREET NAMES.

Among the numerous benefits which London will derive from the
dew Act for the Government of the Metropolis, is a revision of the
system of street nomenclature. The mass of King Streets, Queen
Streets, Victoria Streets, Albert. Streets, and the like, will have to sort
themselves. To each King Street will be put the Sbakspearian
question, "Under which King, Bezonian?" and the Queens will be
expected to be equally explicit, and to apply to Miss Strickland for
separate christening. Arictoria Street (and Punch Street) will be names
restricted to the very highest order of thoroughfare, morally, socially,
and architecturally considered; and the Albert Streets, with*perhaps a
couple of exceptions at opposite quarters of the town, will be told off
into Consort Street, Hat Street, Night-light Street, and other titles
which, preserving affinity, may avoid confusion.

Equal justice will be meted out to Ihe plebeian localities. Smith and
Brown will not be allowed to stud districts all over with Smith Streets
and Brown Terraces, nor will it be held sufficient reason for having
eleven Mary-Ann Places in one suburban parish, that, eleven respectable
and uxorious builders have wives of that name. As for John Street,
James Street, William Street, Alexander Street, Henry Street,Edward
Street, and all the other streets with mere prtenomina, they must pre-
pare to take less ridiculous appellations. A Christian man may be
entitled to be called a brick, but bricks are not entitled to the Christian
name of a man.

A register is to be opened, and every street is to have its own name
recorded, and no street to take that of another. Why, indeed, should
it? What is the use of an alias to a street? It can always be identi-
fied if it gets into disgrace; and though one street often runs into
another, it is sure to be caught. We hope, therefore, that all decent
streets will hasten to obtain their own distinctive names.

Some difficulty, it is thought, may arise in the selection of the new
titles, and inhabitants who have settled placidly down under the no-
meaning names of Pleasant Bow, Prospect Terrace, the Paragon, or the
simply declarative Biver Terrace, Thames Bank, or Parliament Street,
may rebel against any title which may have more definite associations.
But, while respecting this English feeling, let us remind such persons
that no vow of allegiar.ee is at present held to be implied by residence

in a street with ever so specific a name. Living in Wellington Street
does not compel you to go about in Wellington boots, residing in
Grosvenor Bow does not pledge you to the Sunday Trade Bill,
chambers in Begent Street do not make you an admirer of George
Turveydrop, a house in Gordon Square does not constitute you a wor-
shipper of Lord Aberdeen, and you may dwell in Wood Street and jet
join the rest of your fellow creatures in considering the First Lord of
the Admiralty no very great statesman. Did a house suit Mr. Punch, y eve
there hot and cold water to the fop, no black beetles or church bells 1o
be seen or heard, and the taxes reasonable, he w^ould not hea'ate to live
therein, even though the street were called after Mr. Duffy or
Mr Calcraft.

A Commission, villi Mr. Bunch at its head, will probably issue for
the allotment of names, and literature may be enabled to render some
assistance in the business. He is not inclined to forestal his work by
publishing his whole plan, because in that case Government would pro-
bably steal it, and give him no money. But he will furnish a specimen
of his notion. He would divide London into districts, and by means of
his own immense topographical knowledge—not that he would not be
glad of the co-operation of his friends Peter Cunningham and John
Timbs—he would decide what feature gave worthiest historical, social,
or other characteristic to the prescribed locality. Settling this, the
feature in question should give the key to the nomenclature. Suppose,
for instance, that the district included the New Palace of Westminster.
This is, evidently, the key requireH. Parliament Street exists. Add to
it Lord Street, Commons Street, Tlrrone Street, Speaker Street, Mace
Street, Bauble Street, Green-Box Alley, Black Bod Passage, Lobby
Street, Order Street, Bill Street, Vote Street, Count Street, Bore
Street, Bribe Street, Brofligate and Unexampled Expenditure Street,
and so forth. Observe the great advantage of this system. It would
make no second title necessary. Wrho hears the word Bore or Bribe,
and does not instantly think of Westminster?

Take another instance. Suppose Drury Lane theatre were the feature
of the district whose streets required names. Preserve Drury Lane.
Add Kemble St'eet, Kean Street, Young Street, Siddons Streef,
O'Neill Street, Macready Street, Vestris Street, Braham Street, Mali-
bran Street, Stanfield Street, Grieve Street. Or, if it would not be too
humiliating to a respectable locality, even the names of authors and