Punch (29.1855)

September 22, 1855.]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

119

A CARD-ST. JAMES'S PARK.

R. Punch respectfully invites his brother
citizens and _ fellow Englishmen, to indulge
in a little philosophic and scientific contem-
plation in the green enclosure of St. James's
Park. In the first place, Mr. Punch would
wish Englishmen to give their most calm
but most earnest attention to the water-
fowl, disporting—as a great deceased autho-
rity would have said—in the translucent
ripple. They are particularly required to
note well the habits and deportment of the
goose, and then dispassionately to
inquire of themselves,
whether they believe
that goose — as to all
intents and purposes
goose it is—is neverthe-
less one half so great a
goose as " the party,"
however it may be, who
hopes to drive an omni-
bus through the green-
sward of St. James's,
the folks of London
loyally twiddling their
thumbs, and submis-
sively looking on ?

Englishmen are nest
requested to mark and
give ear to the ducks,—
and, having attentively
heard them all, to say,
whether there is so great a quack amoDg them as "the party" aforesaid?

Finally, Englishmen are desired to eye well the bare poles, the dry dead wood that marks
the line "where beauty lingers," to be speedily sullied, deformed, and in very truth to be
cast upon the town, by being made a parcel of it. Englishmen are earnestly desired to con-
template such poles, and then to declare, whether, in their opinion, there is not more genial
life in such dry desiccated wood than in the head or heart of "the party" who has placed
them there ?

These are a few matters to be considered calmly and dispassionately.

God save the Queen ! And from all Goths and Vandals," God save St. James's Park !

SIMPLETONS WHO MAKE SOTS.

At a meeting of busybodies, which took place
last Monday week, at St. Martin's Hall, various
resolutions were agreed to, one of them being to
the effect:—

" That, as it had been proved that much drunkenness took
place on Saturday night and on the evenings of Sunday, it
was important that petitions numerously signed should be
prepared for presentation early in the next session of Parlia-
ment, praying that public houses and beershops might be
closed at 10 o'clock on Saturday night, and remain closed
the whole of Sunday in every part of the United Kingdom;
and that strenuous exertions should be made to reduce, as
speedily as possible, the number of public houses, with a
view to their utter extinction so far as the sale of intoxi-
cating liquors were concerned."

These meddlesome persons constituted what is
called the "Temperance Conference," and many
of them were members of an impertinent body
calling itself the " London Temperance League."
We suspect that some large capitalists in the
wine trade are at the back of these " Tempe-
rance Leagues " and " Conferences," the re
suit of whose frantic ravings and insane resolu-
tions must be to produce a re-action against
that moderate use of fermented liquors, which
has been of late years gaining ground, and thus
to occasion a greatly increased abuse of those
fluids. The sanctimony of the Puritans was one
of the principal causes of the dissoluteness of
the Cavaliers, and the fanaticism of the teetotal
quacks and maniacs will, in a corresponding
measure, tend to the promotion of drunkenness-

Exit Menschikoff.

There appears to be no doubt of the fact that
Prince Mekschikoee has become Prince Pious ;
having entered a monastery at Moscow. The
former Prince Plenipotentiary is now a humble
Monk of the Order of Dunbrownoffsky. With
a pensive recollection of his historical swagger at
Constantinople, it is said that his principal oc-
cupation is lo hatch and cram young turkeys.

VAUXHALL AND THE HARVEST.

The very first day that Parliament resumes its labours, a notice of
motion will be placed upon the paper for leave to bring in a Bill to the
following effect:—

Title. for prohibiting the ©perang nf

p?&3L!L <8<&WB'EN%> curing certain prrioos.

Preamble. ®2Et)£rEas the Harvest of 1S55 was being got in under

the most favourable circumstances, and in the most
delightful weather; and wheieas while such Harvest
was being got in, certain parties malevolently announced
the opening of Vauxhall Gardens, whereby Rain, as was
natural and habitual, instantly descended, and the
weather became cold and raw:

Vauxhaii not to 33 e jt macttD, that in future any person or persons an-

be opened duriDg . , . , " JL . . ,

the Harvest. nouncing the opening or Vauxhall Gardens at any period

between the putting in the first sickle, and the carrying

the last Harvest home, in the United Kingdom, shall be

publicly whipped in the said Gardens twice a-week until

the said Harvest is in.

A COUPLE OE WONDERS.

There are always two money-questions, which puzzle people more
than any other social question, including even the celebrated question,
repeated de die in diem, of " What shall we have for dinner to-day ?
These questions assume the form of riddles that are constantly being
asked, but to which we never recollect hearing an answer. Scarcely a
day passes, but what you hear the question applied to some one you
know. Every one present takes it up, repeats it, in nearly the same
form, until at last the whole society loses itself in a labyrinth of
absurd surmises, out of which they are only conducted by the thread
of the next discourse.

These money-questions are :—

1st., I wonder where So-and-So gets all his money from ? and 2nd.>
I wonder what So-and-So does with all his money ?

Now, these riddles have been going on ever since our earliest child-
hood, when we remember the uifficult inquiry of, " When is a door not
a door ? " exploding for the first lime in all its terrifying perplexity
upon us. They still remain unguessed, and it would be a regret if the
difficulty were solved, for t he riddles once guessed, there would be an
end for ever to the amusement.

There are some friends who are worse even than the Income-Tax
Commissioners. Not satisfied with knowing the amount, of your income,
and from what particular sources you draw it, they would also wish to
know how you spend it. What a pity these meddlesome persons are
not allowed to send round papers every quarter with questions relative
to one's income, like the above, drawn out at elaborate length, which
their friends should be compelled, under a heavy penalty to answer,
down to the smallest details, accounting satisfactorily for the outlay ot
every penny of their disbursements. Some day, when we have nothing
better to do. we will draw out this new form of Income- fax papers, and
give ample instructions as to the precise fines and penalties to be im-
posed upon all persons who fail in meeting the demands of this new
tax levied upon their patience. Ir, is, in fact, strange that this general
want on the part of so numerous a class as the Busybodies has never
been supplied before !

Bulletin from Rochdale.

It was to be expected that the news of the Eall of Sebastoprfi would
materially shock even the nerves of the eloquent Member for Man-
chester. The disastrous tidings were therefore revealed as cautiously
as possible. We are happy to say, that at the time we went to press.
Mr. Bright was as well—and it is not saying much—as well as could
be expected.

catching it in the crimea.

When the Russians first seized on the Crimea, they captured a great
many of the inhabitants, but amongst all of these they never got hold
of such a native as the Tartar they have now caught at Sebastopol.