Punch (29.1855)

124

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 29, 185c.

THE PIOUS PUFFERS.

very painrul to a sincere pro-
fessor of those doc-
trines by which self-
glorification is especi-
ally condemned, to find
himself continually
made the subject of
puffing paragraphs.
We have already
called attention to the
lamentable case of
poor dear Doctor
Cummin g, who has
been so bespattered,
besmeared, and be-
daubed with book-
sellers' puffery, that
we naturally begin to
look for a list of his
works in that portion
of a newspaper which
is devoted to medical
and miscellaneous
quackery. Some of
our friends have be-
come so thoroughly
possessed with the
idea of a connection
between the name of
(Humming and news-
paper notoriety, that
we have been seriously

asked, whether the lion-slayer at the top of the Haymarket is Ihe same Comming whose
appellation has been made the subject of that familiarity which is said to lead to contempt,
through the medium of advertisements. We should scarcely be surprised if the pious puffers
of Doctor Cumming's books were to take advantage of the popularity of the present
connection between the name of Cumming and the King of Beasts, and were to send forth
a list of his works with the words, ''Dr. Comming, the great Religious Lion op the
Day," by way of an attractive heading.

While we are on the subject of pious puff-, we may as well remonstrate against a paragraph
we lately met with, in which one Doctor Close, the idol of the old maids of Cheltenham,
has been introduced with the interesting accessory of a bad leg, or something of the sort,

for which he has been taking a trip somewhere
on the Continent. The newspaper puff in-
forms us that his leg is getting better, and
that his "people" at Cheltenham will soon
have him back, and that he thinks of his
''lambs," or some twaddle or other, which will,
of c jurse, go the round of all the Cheltenham
tea-tables. If Doctor Close's anile admirers
like to be called his " people," we see no objection
to the title; but when we recollect that the
Doctor was one of those who wrote a book to
prove the Satanic agency of Table-turning and
Spirit-rapping, we think that a better term than
"lambs" might be found for those who accept
the Reverend gent as their guide; and we
should be disposed, in selecting a word from the
animal creation, to describe them as Doctor
Close's Donkeys.

The over-sanctimonious, and not over-chari-
table portion of the public, will believe, or rather
will assert without believing it, that v/e intend to
sneer at Religion or its ministers, because we
denounce the quackery and puffery which make
the latter contemptible. It is, however, obvious
to common sense, that the clerical profession is
only degraded by the unwholesome pandering
to personal vanity, to which it is in t hese days
so much exposed, and which has placed a " popu-
lar preacher" and a "popular performer" in
much the same position. We simply wish to
put down that morbid and usually feminine feel-
ing with reference to parsons which developes
itself in working slippers and antimacassars, or
in giving silver tea-pots to unmarried clergymen.

We recollect an instance in which a bachelor
divine had been presented with so many em-
broidered shoes and tea services by the spinsters
of his flock, that he might have started with a
capital stock as either a slipper-dealer or a silver-
smith ; but happening to marry a lady out of the
parish, he was nearly torn to pieces by his fair
adorers, who called on him to return all the
plate that hid been presented to him for his
bachelor piety—his single blessedness.

SOME VERY ODD PISH.

Among the pranks performed by the animal creation in what is called
the "deadseason" by th.3 p-nuy-a-liners, we have met with nothing
richer than the conduct of a certain cod-fish, who, if newspaper para-
graphs may be believed, has recently indulged in the eccentricity of
swallowing a kitten. This feat appears to have been performed in a fit
of jealou-y at the alleged achievement of a ling, who, according to a
Scofch paper, had recently devoured the leg of a rabbit. Of course
nobody will inquire very closely how the rabbit lost his leg, or whether
the ling was at once the amputator and the devourer of the unlucky
limb - nor will any one be too curious to ascertain which way the cat
could possibly have jumped to* have found its way down the thVoat of a
cod-fish. If these stories of lings swallowing rabbits' legs and cods
bolting entire cats are believed by the readers of a newspaper, it might
certainly give a portrait of one of its subscribers as that of an animal
that can swallow anything.

CURE FOR HOT COPPERS.

A cure for the complaint commonly called hot coppers would be a
great boon to a no small proportion of Her Majesty's subjects, who
occasionally exceed in strong pota'ions. If their coppers want cleaning,
let them eat some street-oysters, and wash those molluscs down with
street-vinegar. Tnat fluid, in some cises, consists, according to a state-
ment made by Dr. Hassall at the late meeting of the Association for
the Advancement of Science, of little else than sulphuric acid and water,
coloured with burnt sugar. Sulphuric acid and water are dilute oil of
vitriol, which, as most people know, is the proper thing to scour copper-
kettles with. Indulgence, therefore, in street-oysters is very likely to
cleanse, and, if repeated often enough, effectually to cool hot coppers;
so effectually, that the coppers will be rendered incapable of being
heated anv more.

con. by sairey gam?.

Why will the proposed Port of Hartlepool be like the dirty Thames
River ?—Becauge it will be a Arbour of Refuge.

AN ACQUISITION TO PLAIN ENGLISH.

The writer of Notes and Sketches in the Morning Post makes the
following remark, among others of a more judicious cluracter, on the
subject of "Discourse."

" To say that some point has been excluded, or left out of the question, is much better
than to say it has been ignored.''

If conciseness is desirable in expression, "ignored" is better than
" left out of the question ; " besides, the word means more than that
phrase, and than the term "excluded." To ignore is wilfully, and
cunningly, and deceitfully to leave out of the question ; fraudulently to
overlook; mendaciously to affect not to know; to blink; to pretend
ignorance of a fact that the fact may pass unnoticed, and not be taken
into account. It is a word which describes, with beautiful precision, a
thing very common both in the writings and the conversation of zealots
and bigots, and especially of solemn ecclesiastical humbugs; it com-
pendiously expresses one of their artifices ; it neatly bottles off a puff
of their smoke ; therefore they don't like it: but therefore it is a lovely
word, and well deserving of incorporation with the Queen's English.

A WASHED DUKE.

The Glasgow Citizen, in describing the personal appearance of some
of the savans assembled at the meeting of the British Association, is
good enough to remark of the Duke of Argyll, that he looked
" superlatively clean." Did the Scotch reporter muddle the modicum
of Trench in his possession, and think it, was a case of savon instead of
savant? Or, is it such a wonder that a Scotch Duke should be physically
clean? Some of the Scotch Dukes (like some of the English ones)
have done very dirty things in their time, but it was hardly matter of
surprise ihat the Duke oe Argyll, who, moreover, is a very estimable
young man, should have washed his face and put on a clean shirt upon
such an occasion. To be sure such a luxurious demonstration might
excite a trifle more notice in Glasgow than in most places, but even
there the upper classes occasionally set examphs of unobjection-
able neatness. This Citizen has been showing his freedom rather
unwarrantably