Punch (29.1855)

182

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[November 3, 1855.

Head Nurse (with much dignity). "Miss Mary! you shall not stir tour tea

with the snuffers ! — It is not lady-like, and 1 am quite sure took PaPA

would not approve oe it ! " [Miss Mary howls awfully, and smashes tea-cup.

TELLING TRUTHS,

Which much better had never been told at all.

Women are never satisfied. If a man is jealous, they cry
out. against his tyranny ; if he is not jealous, they complain
of his indifference.

A man ceases to be "a good fellow," the moment he
refuses to do precisely what other people wish him to do.

Tell a woman that she is a flirt, and she will laugh; that
she is ugly, and she will get angry; but just hint that she
is growing old, and she will never forgive you.

Self-Love is Love with two bandages over its eyes instead
of one.

A man marries generally to leave society—a woman to
enter it.

Those who live only for appearances generally end in
making one in the Insolvent Court.

Many a man talks with loud complacency about the charm
of his fireside, and yet, let temptation give but the smallest
tap at the door, and he evinces the most wonderful alacrity
in leaving it.

Satire is a dangerous acid, which none but the most skilful
should presume to manipulate. Many a clumsy hand at it
has been, blown to pieces by the explosion of his own retort.

Bather Late in the Day.

The Lord Mayor and the principal Members of the
Corporation of London went on Wednesday last week in
State to Windsor, to present the Queen with a congratu-
latory address upon the fall of Sebastopol.

Considering the length of time which has elapsed since
the event took place, some surprise has been expressed that
the Lord Mayor and Aldermen did not accompany their
address of congratulation on the capture of Sebastopol by
one of condolence with Her Majesty" on the lamented
demise of her Royal predecessor, Anne.

hoyle at eatjlt.

There is this fault in most games, that the King
conquers the Knave; whereas at Court it is the Knave,
if he plays his cards at all well, that generally beats the
King.

NEWSPAPER NOODLE ISM.

The London correspondents of the Liverpool papers seem to be
lamentably hard up for matter, or i hey would certainly abstain from the
violations of good taste and common sense, which their communications
occasionally exhibit. London correspondents are not usually remark-
able for delicacy; but if one of them happens to be admitted to a
private party of gentlemen, he must be fearfully " put toil," indeed,
for the means of supplying his weekly amount of copy, if lie avails him-
self of what he picks up over the dinner-table, and converts the little
confidences of social life into newspaper material. Sometimes, when
the whole field of realities, private and personal, as well as public and
political, has been exhausted, the London correspondent resorts to his
imagination to make the food he lives upon. A curious example of this
sort of thing has just been set by a correspondent of a Liverpool journal,
who has taken the forthcoming volumes of MaCaulay's History of
England as a theme for some rather rampant absurdities. He has first
made a guess at the number of copies ordered, and, having got hold of
these, he goes through a series of ridiculous teats of arithmetic and
measurement, of whicfi he gives tl>e results for the entertainment of the
enlightened people of Liverpool. He tells them that if thewlioleeditionof
macaulay'si?k#/«fi?wereto be piled up, one book on the top of the other,
a height would be attained equal to. that which Garnerin reached in
his balloon, and that if the volumes were placed in a line, they would
extend from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith. Nobody—but the
London correspondent of the Liverpool paper—could have entertained
the absurd idea that Messrs. Longman would so trifle with an
expensive work as to pile it up to the utmost possible height, or lay it
in a long narrow row in the public thoroughfares.

The London correspondent might as well have continued his ridicu-
lous speculations by suggesting the quantity of butter each volume
would enclose, if torn up for the use of a London butterman, or
how many trunks the whole edition would furnish with lining. The
same ingenious calculator might aho apply his powers to other
subjects, aud give an elaborate table of the number of brandy-balls at

four a penny the Lord Chancellor could purchase with his quarter's
salary, or the number of times that the Chancellor of the Exche-
quek could visit the pit of the Victoria Theatre with the produce of
the Income Tax.

"MY LADY THE HOUSEMAID."

Many people are slaves to their servants, but we never recollect the
position of mistress to have been so coolly claimed by a domestic as it
is in the following advertisement, copitd the other day from the Times
of the 22nd :—

WANTED, BY A LADY A RE-ENGAGEMENT AS HOUSEMAID
' » in a gentleman's family, in a house of business, or the entire management of a
widower's house. She is fully capable ot fulfilling all the various branches of a house-
keeper's duties, with a thorough knowledge of cooking. The highest references given.
Address-.

It has long been the practice of a certain class of housemaids to
assume the dress and even the address of a lady, for who has not been
disgusted by the arrival of letters at his residence, directed to Miss
So-aud-So, who is called by the knock of the postman from the making
of the beds, or other household duties F We certainly admire the cool
impudence with which the person in want of a housemaid's placp,
adopts the position of " a Lady in want of a re-engagement." We shall
not be surprised at a stipulation on the part of one of these "lady
housemaids " for the privilege of practising on the piano an hour in the
day, with the allowance of an hour in the evening, to be devoted to
d> awing or some other accomplishment Dancing, of course, they manage
to enjoy at the public-houses in the neighbourhood, and social intercourse
is easily attainable on Sundays, when the praiseworthy desire to go to
church affords an opportunity for a soiree at a beer-shop, or some other
equally improving rendezvous.

A Cabinet Question (in Berlin).—"I say, how many bottles did
his Majesty drink last night ? "