November 17, 1855.1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195

A HORRIBLE IDEA.

First Languid Swell. " Good Gwacious, Alfred. Are you ill ?"
Second ditto, ditto (gasping). " III I Aw ! Yes ! No ! I shall be all Right

directly—BUT—I—confess—the—sight of that female's UmBRELLAW— com-
pletely—flawed me—my dear Charles—conceive being obliged to carry— j to compensate for the exfreme slowness of their lives by
bct no, the thought is—too Horrible ! " [They shudder, and walk on. J going to their graves in a gallop.

CAVEAT FOR THE CZAR.

Czar Alexander, thy lamented sire

Of blessed memory, Nicholas, thus sooke,
When warn'd that his life's lease would soon expire

He ask'd, "How long will't be before I choke?"
He, who, to Pity deaf, bade sword and fire

Lay ihe earth waste, and mercilessly broke
The hearts of millions, gasp'd these words in dread

Of Death—who gently choked him in his bed.

Inheritor of both his throne and crime,

Disgrace, disaster, and defeat, 'twere well
For thee, perhaps, although in manhood's prime,

To muse upon thy father's dying yell.
Ere thou choke too ir, may be no long time,

Slaves overwrung, though Russians, will rebel,
As by severe conscriptions when provoked ;

Then in or out of bed mav Czars be choked.

A DEADLY LIVELY LOCALITY.

The Scotch are not remarkable for their liveliness, and
we are therefore not surprised that a Scotch Newspaper
should amuse its readers by such paragraphs as the fol-
lowing, which is extracted from a recent number of the
Galloway Advertiser.

" A Hearse.—On Saturday last, a very neat and full-mounted Hearse,
from the establishment of Messrs. Jameb Dodolas & Sons, passed
through Stranraer on its way to Glenluce. The Hearse is to he added
to the establishment of Mb. M'Kenzie, King's Arms, and will no doubt
prove to the inhabitants of the landward portion of Old Luce parish, a
useful auxiliary to his present complete arrangements in the posting
department."

We should have thought that a Hearse would be literally
about the last thing that lire inhabitants of any place could
have required, and we can only lament, that Old Luce is
in such a dismal state, that the funeral arrangements for
the interment of the whole population have become a
subject of such interest as to call for a congratulatory article
in the local Newspaper. It is sometimes said of a very
sombre person, that he appears "more dead than alive,"
and such we presume must be the aspect of that lugubrious
Scotch parish, which hails the advent of a Hearse as a
desirable addition to the "posting department" of the
hotel in the neighbourhood. The word "posting" is
suggestive of anything but a funereal pace, and we can
only presume that the inhabitants of Old Luce are anxious

The following is a copy of the order of the day, dated " Heights of
Mackenzie, October 28th," in w hich Prince Gortschakoff specially
thanks the Peace Party in England for its active co-operation, and
for the great assistance the Russian cause has derived from its zealous
advocacy:—

"Friends and Compatriots,

" His Imperial Majesty, our Master, has specially charged me
to thank you, in his name, and in the name of Russia, for the great
services you have rendered his army in England. The Emperor begs
me to say, that if you had been Russians you could not have served
Russia better. It is his great hope that you will continue to display
the same noble zeal in inveighing on all occasions against the Allies,
and that you will still courageously persevere iti resorting to every
kind of chicanery, artifice, sophistry, and special pleading, such as your
fertile imaginations cannot well fail to suggest, in order to damp the
ardour of the English, and so effectually dishearten and dispirit them,
that they will no longer prosecute the War with vigour. Your virtuous
indignation, thus worthily employed, is as good as another army added
to the Imperial arms. Every manly speech you deliver to frighten
your constituents, supplies our exhausted regiments with thousands
and thousands of bayonets. The fire of your patriotic eloquence is, I
can assure you, most welcome to our enfeebled soldiers. They bid me
say, it could not be more refreshing to their lips, not even if it were
Raki!

" The Father of our Great Family has also invested me with full
powers to say, that he would hail your presence in the Crimea with the
liveliest satisfaction, only he is convinced you will do his cause much
more good by stopping in England. He bids you, as you love him,

pnRTePUiYn'ii'p'e i?,ni)u(je rm t u v t>^apt? > remain where you are. The British Parliament, about to open, expects
OORlbOHAKOhrj t> AbDKEbb 10 1HE PLACE u,at every true Russian will be at his whipping-post ready to do his

PARTY. duty.

" It is my pleasant mission to transmit to you, in the name of the
adored Shepherd of our Mighty Flock, nineteen Golden Orders of the
White Feather, as well as three hundred diamond crosses of the order
of the Cooked Goose, instituted just before the fall of Sebastopol.
It is the Emperor's wish that they should be distributed amongst the
most distinguished advocates of the Muscovite cause, and be worn
nearest to their hearts, as a slight souvenir t f his affectionate love. It
will be a joy to his paternal breast to learn that they are thus worn by
Messrs. Bright, Gladstone, Cobden, and others of his beloved
children, to whom he owes more than he can ever pay.

" t am likewise specially instructed to command that all accounts
for smashed hats, the broad brim of which may perhaps present
an awkward handle for Discontent to lay hold of, are to be trans-
mitted once a month to St. Petersburg for payment. The same order
comprises broken windows and facial disfigurements of every pos-
sible variety. The value of the estimated damage may, if agreeable,
be taken out—for it is the fatherly wish of Alexander to show as much
favour to his dear friends as possible,—either in caviare, or tallow, or a
mixture of both.

"Valiant Warriors of the Peace Society,—the Emperor's eye is
upon you, as his heart is with you !

" gortschakoff,

Commander of the Defeated Army in the Crimea, and
Admiral of the Sunken Fleet at Sebastopol.

"People who can Write, but won't Write."—These are by
no means the worst sort; much worse are the folks who will write,
but who nevertheless, can't.