Punch: Punch (32.1857)

April 11, 18o,.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

149

THE THREE-LEGGED STOOL.

(a. new song.)

ill you hear of a no-
bleman's Three-
Legged Stool_
By which he in-
tended to climb
up to place,
And how in the
sequel he looked
like a fool,
When this horse-
racing nobleman
came to dis-
grace ?
Hide, rule, eager

for ride,
Let's hear of the no-
bleman's Three-
Legged Stool.

To make it, he first
had to find out
three Legs,
(To a friend of the
Turf no such
difficult thing)
And 'twas down to the Commons he went for his pegs,
And none can deny he'd the pick of the ring;
School, school, excellent school,
For props for the nobleman's Three-Legged Stool.

The first that he chose was at one time a Limb
From a tree out of Jewry, or so goes the joke;

But now a mere nondescript, supple and slim,
A graft badly stuck on the old country oak i
Tool, tool, tricketty tool,

And here was one leg for the Three-Legged Stool.

His next bit of wood it was smooth to the view,

It sprang in the sod of a Lancashire park,
Transplanted to Oxford it warped as it grew,

And you knew it at once by its Jesuit bark :
Pule, pule, Puseyite pule,
And here were two legs for the Three-Legged Stool.

The third he selected with Yorkshire claimed kith,
Had been a good bludgeon in time that's gone by,

But maggots from Russia got right to its pith,
And what was elastic grew stubborn and dry;
Mule, mule, maggoty mule,

And here were three legs for the Three-Legged Stool.

Then joining the three by a thing he denies
Should be caded Coalition, so let's call it Trick,

On his stool, now complete, my Lord scrambles, and tries
To mount into place, when—by Jove, what a kick !
Cool, cool, plagudy cool,

Old Pah has kicked over the Three-Legged Stool.

And down came the nobleman wop on the floor !

And each of the legs it flew off like a shot,
" If Oxford and Bucks the first two should restore,

lieturn the third leg," cries old Yorkshire, " I '11 not; "
Pool, fool, Faction's a fool;
Lord Derby goes limping, and lame is his Stool.

LONDON IN THE WASH.

It is not often we feel called upon to offer our advice to the Geo-
graphical Society, for their proceedings generally are such as meet witli
our entire satisfaction. We would suggest, however, that at their
next meeting, the Civil Service Commissioners should be invited to
attend, with a view of giving further details as to the discoveries which
have been lately made under their auspices, and brought before their
notice. We learn from their report just published, that among the
gifted candidates who have been recently examined, there are some
who have discovered the Alps to be

"In Hungary, Swansea at Norwich, London in the Wash, Marseilles on the
Rhine, and Germany in the Caspian Sea, who find the Thames to ri3e in the
German Ocean, and the River Cary to flow by Taunton into the Mediterranean."

These are all of them most interesting discoveries ; but that which,
us Cockneys, most excites our wonder, is to hear that London is really

in the Wash. We indeed have long felt that that is where it ought to be,
for there is hardly a square yard of housefront throughout the whole
Metropolis that does not look as if it sadly wanted scrubbing. If the
depicter of the Purple Tints of Paris were anxious to paint London
in anything like true colours, he would have to use epithets of far
deeper dye than purple : for, to say nothing of our private residences,
which when two years old appear to be begrimed with the dust of ages,
our public buddings also are so dirt-encrusted, that scarcely a vestige
of their brick or stone creation is discernible, and the statues that
adorn (?) them are as black in the face as though they had been
garotted, or were about to appear as petrified Othellos.

Indeed, considering the filthy state of the outsides of our structures,
the Chinese are quite justified in calling us " Outside Barbarians."
London dirt is as tenacious as a Sheriff's officer, and it takes some-
thing more than being "washed, just washed in a shower" to at all
get rid of it. _ Although we should as soon expect to see a blackamoor-
scrubbed white as to see clean walls in London, we should certainly
rejoice if means could be devised for sending the Metropolis periodi-
cally to the Wash. We fear, however, that were anyone to undertake
the contract, he would soon get into hot water if he touched our
vested dirts ; and considering what heavy water-rates we pay for living
in uncleanness, we should continually be finding ourselves badly off for
soap, and no doubt should be frequently in great parochial doubt as to
" How to settle our accounts with the Laundress."

EXAMINATIONS FOR COMMISSIONS IN THE ARMY,

The following are the chief points of examination, as recommended by
the officers themselves, for the admission of youthful candidates into a
"crack" regiment:—The candidate must know sufficient of writing
to be able to put his name to an I.O.U., and of reading to be able to
make out the playbdls, and different advertisements of the various
amusements of the day; he must know enough of arithmetic to enable
him to play at unlimited loo ; and proportion, inasmuch as he should
know the difference of behaviour required in addressing a gentleman
or a blackguard; as well as the use of logarithms, as practically
applied to the multiplication of interest generally enforced by bill-
drscounting Jews ; together with the extraction of roots, as displayed
in the proper selection of the cigars mostly tendered by those gentle-
men in part payment of a bdl. He must know something of bidiard-
playing (all the games—French as well as English) ; and he should be
able to translate into the vulgar tongue certain portions of Paul de
Kock's and young Alexandre Dumas' works {Monsieur Dupont and
the Roman d'une Femtne) without the aid of any Hotywell Street
edition. If ignorant of those pure French classics, he must sing any
song that is popular at the time at the Coal Hole or Canterbury Hail,,
he must possess such an elementary knowledge of slang as most
eodegians acquire; and, if caUed upon, he must give a specimen of
his skill in slanging a bargee, or squaring with a policeman. In the-
iustory of all the scandalous stories, bearing upon public characters,
connected either with the legislature, church, or stage, he should be
open to such questions as the examiners may think it proper, or
improper, to put to him. In geography, he must prove an intimate ac-
quaintance with the locality of all the principal cafes, casinos, theatres,
divans, billiard-rooms, tennis-courts, cock-pits, skittle-grounds, shoot-
ing-galleries, about town; and he must also be thoroughly au fait
with the various shops where the best cigars, beer, gloves,
clothes, boots, spurs, revolvers, dogs, are to be procured, keeping an
eye at the same time to the amount and length of credit given. _ In
fortification, he must be able to storm the bedroom of a brother officer,,
who has retired to bed, and trace upon paper the Canterbury plan of
drawing the bed-clothes from underneath a person who is sleeping
without his knowing it. A certificate of good birth, or proofs of
having mixed in the most respectable stations of life (police, or other-
wise) will be indispensably required. The fact, of being the son of a
tradesmau, or in any way connected with trade, will be considered a
decided bar to one's entrance into the regiment. The possession of
several blood-horses, which might be advantageously exchanged with
the superior officers for horses of a less showy, but more serviceable
breed, will materially smooth the path of the young candidate's-
admission.

Perfect on Both Sides.

" What is on the other side of the Victoria medal?" was asking
a young Lion at the French Embassy. " I cannot exactly tell," answered
Persigny, " but it's my impression that the reverse of Victoria-Cross
must be "Victoria herself."

wit amongst government clerks.

The Admiralty is always spoken of by the facetious young gentle-
men who do the duty of Government clerks, as "Osborne House," in
allusion to the apartments that their friend Bernal occupies there.