Punch: Punch (33.1857)

September 26, 185?.J

127

THE DEPREDATORS OF DOVER.

ravellers will rejoice to learn
that the authorities of Dover
have made a commencement of
dealing with those extortionate
knaves, the porters of that
■ port. The ringleader, other-
wise master of those fellows,
Mb. Griggs, has, according
to the Times, been suspended
for three months. The offence
of Mr. Griggs was one of
omission — he had thought
proper to omit to enter in the
report-book a complaint against
one of his gang, a man named
Baker, charged with having
insolently refused to carry a
passenger's luggage to Water-
loo Crescent. Mr. Baker,
nevertheless, reaped the re-
ward of his insolence in a
suspension of one month. The
Mayor or Dover, who pre-
'' '" 1MJ!)S^==:^~^ HrV*. sided at the tribunal before

^^^^ ''^^Mu^^ which these worthies were
3$Q. cited, animadverted on the sad

want of discipline and order
which had been found to pervade the body of licensed porters, who

appear to conduct themselves in an intolerably licentious manner, arid, doubtful if, through life, he has ever known one friend. His enemies

bidding. In this way_ he has been known to despatch fifty couriers
in the course of one night.

His letters are 1596 per diem, rather more than less. He answers
them all himself. As it is well known that every Englishman abroad,
who has the smallest bit of an hotel grievance, writes to Lord Pal-
merston, it will be readily conceived that his house resembles a Post
Office a great deal more than a nobleman's mansion. His item for
sealing-wax alone amounts to not less than £1,472 a year.

During the Session Lord Palmerston resides at the Tower of
London. When he moves out, he has always a battalion of dragoons,
who accompany him with their sabres drawn, and their rifles loaded.
Under his white waistcoat he has a suit of chain-armour. His
brougham is bullet-proof. His favourite weapons are revolvers, one m
the right pocket, and the other (of sixteen barrels) in the left. They
are always full-cocked. In a handsomely-mounted malacca cane, the
Disturber of the peace of the world carries a poisoned dagger.

His meals are fmgal. The only thing he is fond of are bifteks aux
pommes. These he prefers half raw. There is always one down at the
fire ready for him. When excited, he will consume as many as nine in
one day. He takes gunpowder in his coffee instead of sugar.

He never goes to the Opera. You never see him in the Park. He never
dines at the Palace. When he speaks in the House, all but Government
officials leave it. In public, no one cheers him but the paid Police.

Ladies sedulously shun his presence. Little children run away
from him, and hide themselves under their nurses' aprons. Servants
tremble, as with an ague, before him. The teeth of clerks chatter
when they have to address him. A dog puts his tail between its legs
when it is near him, and sneaks away, as if it was sure it could receive
nothing but kicks from the toe of such a man ! His entrance into a
town has been known to turn every ha'porth of milk sour.

At home, as abroad, his name excites terror, if not hatred. It is

indeed, to take liberties which exceed the bounds of all licence. His you may count ^ tens anj tens 0f thousands,
worship also expressed a strong opinion of the necessity ot setting to
work in order to remedy the complaint so loudly and generally made
against the Dover porters. It is remarkable that the Court which
adjudicated on the offences of Messrs. Griggs and Baker was the
Dover Local Board of Health : from which circumstance, it plainly
appears that the inhabitants of Dover itself have come to regard the
fraternity of licensed porters as a regular nuisance.

PORTRAIT OF LORD PALMERSTON.

as imagined generally by foreigners.

He is a monster, he is a fire-eater, he is a child-hater, he is a woman-
scorner, he is a man-oppressor.

It is doubtful whether he hasn't a cloven hoof. At all events, his
right foot has all the stamp of one. Prom the peculiar side-way in
which he sits on the edge of a chair, it is not quite certain whether he
has not, also, a caudal appendage! His manners would, decidedly,
warrant such a diabolical belief.

It is impossible to say when Lord Palmerston goes to bed, or
when he rises, for he scarcely ever sleeps. Certainly, there is no
record of his having ever been caught asleep. Occasionally, he rests
his head on a loaded cannon, and snatches a few minutes' rest. He
allows himself fifty-four seconds for his breakfast. A hard crust,
washed down by a glass of rum, and he is ready for an explosion in
any part of the world.

A sad, austere man, he never takes any pleasure. Millions hang
upon the twitch of his eyebrow. In his hand he holds the fate of
empires. Can such a human being laugh ? His mouth is of iron—
his eyes of polished steel. His lips are rigid as the bars of a prison.
A smile is never seen through those bars! His words are all mono-
syllables, and each of them falls as heavily as a ten-pounder. In this
way, his approach is known fortunately long before he makes his
dreaded appearance.

His habits of business are extraordinary. He dictates to four secre-
taries at the same time, opening his despatches all the while. He has
telegraphs running from his room to the uttermost parts of the Globe.
He works these telegraphs all by himself, after a cipher only known
to himself. In five minutes, he could tell you what is going on in
India. In less time than you could accept an invitation to> dinner, he
will let you know what the Shah of Persia has had for breakfast.

He has spies all over the world. It is believed that Lola Montes
is one of his emissaries. Schamyl and Soyer are both in his pay.
Barntjm sends him private information twice a week. Queen Chris-
tina consults him. Kossuth is only one of his political bagmen.
Mazzini, Ledru Bollin, Changarnier, Narvaez, &c, &c, all take
orders from him.

He has minions, by millions, everywhere. His messengers darken
the surface of the earth. Oat of every three post-horses you may be
sure that two (at least) are engaged by creatures of Lord Palmer-
ston's. At the very door of his bed-room is stationed a mounted
postilion, ready at a moment's notice to fly off to execute his nefarious

No wonder that the English Press supports him. An Editor is his
footstool—the steam-engine his pet plaything. He has a private key
to the principal newspaper offices in London, to let himself in secretly
as often as he pleases. At twelve o'clock at night, he is often seen
stealing away, cloaked up to the eyes, from Printing-House Square.

And this is the man who rules England! this is the monster, whose
baneful influence is felt all over the Continent! Under the hoof of
one so reckless, so unprincipled, as Lord Palmerston, he is a bold
man who would venture to give two years' purchase for Queen
Victoria's throne!

SADDLE AND BRIDAL.

A New Bomance has just been imported from America, in the fol-
lowing short paragraph, which must deeply interest all lovers of
horseflesh, except those Parisian epicures who prefer it to beef:—

" a Wedding on Horseback.—a Texas paper tells of a young couple who eloped
on horseback, accompanied by the Clergyman who was to marry them. The lady's
father gave chase, and was overtaking the party, when the maiden cried out to her
clerical friend, ' Can't you marry us as we run ?' The idea took, and he commenced
the ritual, and just as the bride's father clutched the bridle rein, the Clergyman
pronounced the lovers man and wife. The father was so pleased with the dashing
action thart, as the story goes, he gave them his blessing."

Some doubt may be thrown upon the authenticity of the above
narrative by reason that the bride's rein is therein denominated the
bridle rein, with an apparent view to a pun upon the words bridle and
bridal; whence, inferring the character of the whole from that of a
part, the sceptical mind may regard the entire story as a joke.
Whether true or false, however, it would form a splendid subject for
an equestrian drama at Astley's. The alleged adventure beats that of
the ' Young LocMnvar," who, according to Walter Scott, eloped on
horseback with a collateral ancestress of Sir James Graham's. That
gallant young horseman could not have married the "lost bride of
Netherby" till he had got her across the border, clear of the Eorsters,
Penwicks, and Musgraves, and other bores, who were after them.
The length of the English Marriage Service would not have admitted
of the solemnization of matrimony on horseback, even before the
Beformation, and if Lochinvar had had his blacksmith by his side as
well as his beauty behind him, he could not have been made a happy
man on this side of the Tweed. Perhaps the Texan Marriage Service
resembles the Scotch; so that it could be performed almost in the
twinkling of an eye, and effectually celebrated in the leaping of a
fence, or the taking of a five-barred gate.

Whatever obstacle, however, ecclesiastical law may oppose to
Marriage on Horseback, no cause or just impediment is offered thereto
by the laws of the equestrian drama: accordingly we hope to see the
Bride of Texas produced as soon as possible at Astley's aforesaid,
where the feat of leaping through a hoop in a gallop will "be surpassed
by the much more extraordinary performance with the wedding-ring.
The heavy father—supposed to ride fourteen stone—bestowing his
blessing out of breath both with speed and emotion, would give the
piece a conclusion at once affecting and ridiculous.