Punch: Punch (33.1857)

126

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 26, 1857.

A ROMANCE OF HAMPTON COURT.

One of the French heroes of the Crimea, now on a visit to us, his
allies, writes to "the Governor of the Chateau of Hampton Court," to
complain of insult received by himself and a lady companion, from an
official at that palace. Not only, Mr. Punch hopes, will the example
he is about to record have been made, but the whole body of officials
in that edifice will, lie trusts, receive intimation that they are the
servants of the public, and that their duty is civility. Moreover the
exceeding good behaviour of the thousands who visit Hampton Court
during the summer entitles them to the utmost respect, and even if
it be necessary sometimes to be peremptory, that a crowd may not be
delayed while an excited gent is hargumg for his habstract right to
'ave a stick, distinction must be made in the case of a stranger, to
whom hospitality dictates especial courtesy. The consideration shown
on the Continent to foreigners desirous to see sights is proverbial,
and Punch is glad to find that the Trench officer, now complaining, is
able to testify to the general politeness of our police,.which he contrasts
with the behaviour of the Hampton Court Bumble.

The French gentleman's appeal to " M. the Governor of the Chateau,"
was not made in vain. No sooner had he read the charge than he
summoned two vassals, and having borrowed a Boyer's French dic-
tionary from a British dramatist who had taken lodgings at Hampton
to complete an original play, the Governor desired the offender to be
brought to him iu the eastern turret. The rays of the setting sun
gilded bower and lattice, the lucid stream beneath the window sparkled
like a valley of diamonds, while the Maze lay like an emerald in its
green richness of beauty.

" Gramercy, ifackins, and by our Lady," said the Governor, as the
trembling creature was dragged in, and the massy iron-bound door
clashed behind him, "marry come up, sirrah. So, thou hast insulted a
gentleman of France, a gallant knight, who honoured our poor chat eau
with a visit."

" So please ye ■-" faltered the offender.

"But it does not please me," thundered the Governor of the Chateau,
" and that thou shalt straightway behold. Seest that book ? " he cried,
dashing the work of Boyer upon the oaken table.

" I do—I do "—stuttered the culprit—adding in confused terror,
like Mr. Harley's, " I do, most—most—audacious, preposterous, and
antibilious Sir, I do."

" Seest thou that sheet of paper, dog, and that pen, and that ink ? "

The unfortunate man stammered out an assent.

" Sit down then, slave, and before thou risest from yon three-legget.
stool, thou shalt have penned me, in the French language, an ample
apology to the gallant thou hast insulted."

" In French ? " gasped the culprit.

" In French. Thou did'st insult him in English, therefore shall thy
reparation be in another tongue. Begin ! " said the Governor, savagely.
" Peter de Rackem, is thy engine of torment ready, in case of his
contumacy."

" So please your Excellency," said Peter, "it is; and I have newly
stuck therein some rusty nails with upturned points, for the better
convincing of the patient."

" Simon de Buggs, is thy snake and toad dungeon in order ? "

" Never in better, my lord—the hissing, an ye pause at the door, is
like that of a locomotive."

" Under these circumstances, begin thy letter," said the Governor, i

The unhappy man flung himself on the ground, clasped the Gover-
nor's knees, and adjured him to show mercy. He could no more write
a French letter than fly, he said. He implored compassion.

" There js the Dictionary, hound ! " said the Governor. " The dial
points to six. At seven, if the letter be unfinished, I will rack thee
for an hour, and then consign thee to the toads and snakes." And the j
Governor lit an enormous pipe of the period.

The unhappy man sat down in an agony of despair. But catching
the fiery eye of his lord, he seized the pen, and began—

" Mounseer,"

Then he looked up piteously. But there was no mercy for him. He
looked wildly round, and seeing a nail at some distance from the
ground, he suddenly hanged himself thereto, by his handkerchief.
He was instantly cut down, and replaced at his work. In utte»
despair he proceeded, picking words from the book.

" Je suis tres faerie" que je dormer vous aucun sauce mais—"

The Governor's head was averted, the vassals gossiped in whispers, j

He watched his opportunity, and sprang from the turret window, an j

awful depth. Two vigilant sentinels caught him in their arms, and i
brought him up-stairs. He was again placed at his paper, and wrote,

" Le fact est, que je avais prendre un verre de eau de vie a qui je suis non aecou
tu me' et—"

A brilliant idea. He held one of Gillott's enormous steel pens, as
large as a dagger. He instantly and frantically stabbed himself, but
the point broke on the buckle of his braces, and a goosequill was
immediately thrust into his hand. He continued,

" 11 avoir touchf; mon t§te, et—"

Seizing the inkstand, the wretched man, now excited to madness,
swallowed every drop of the jetty fluid, and looked round triumphantly.

" It will not hurt you," said the Governor, with a smile of triumph.
" At least, not much; for it is some 10s. port with a little blacking in
it. Replenish the bottle, Peter, and watch him."

" I can do no more," gasped the ill-fated man. "Do your worst."

" Say est thou? " said the Governor. " We will not rack him to-night,
Peter, as I have a dinner party, whom his shrieks might disturb, j
Throw him to the snakes, Simon, and we will talk to what is left of
him in the morning."

" Mercy ! mercy !" cried the doomed man. " I could never abide black
beedles, let alone snakes, and as for toads—ugh ! Mercy, my lord, and
I will never offend in the like sort again."

The sun was now sinking behind the majestic trees, and darting long
fines of radiance through their foliage like fiery darts. Earth was
bathed in stillness, and the very fountains plashed more musically than j
their wont. Cursed be the heart that is unmoved by the sweet
influences of nature's loveliness. The Governor, a stern man, whose
heart was as a sealed fountain, gave way.

" Open the door," he said, gently.

The massy door stood open.

"Take that, hound!" he said, kicking the culprit through it, and
with another kick sending him from the top of the stairs to the bottom ;
"and that! And," he roared, "never let me catch thee insulting my
visitors again. Peter and Simon, go to the buttery and crush a
flagon. Ha! the dinner goug! I must apparel me for the banquet."

MORMON INTELLIGENCE.

The Mormons have invented a new Alphabet. They are to have a
newspaper of their own, set up in type that they only can read. The
Mormons are a separate type of people, and as such we see no harm in
their having a separate type to themselves. On the contrary, we are
rejoiced that the good honest type, which is generally used for the
purposes of civilisation, will not be defiled by their foul fingers. In
truth, we possessed no type that could have suited their base purposes.
" Bourgeois," for a set of dissolute reprobates that have not a good
Bourgeois amongst them, would have been far too respectable.
"Minion" would have been about the most congenial representative
of a minion race like them. We fervently hope that the Mormon
characters are such as cannot possibly be met with in any other part
of the world—characters of so base a cast that no respectable printer
would think of admitting them into his establishment. It should be
with Englishmen a great source of congratulation, that a people, that
has not a single thought in common with us, should have adopted a
distinctive medium for giving shape to their thoughts on paper. It is
a safeguard, for which we should be grateful, as there will be less
danger of our simple-minded cooks and housemaids being, for the
future, corrupted by their dangerous doctrines.

A Word erom Avon to Jumna.—" Cry ' Havelock !' and let
slip the dogs of war."