Punch (33.1857)

Avcusi S, 1857.]

51

"A CASE FOR THE POLICE." SCENE IN OXFORD STREET.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

July 27th, Monday. The relief of Divorce was afforded in three cases,
but Mr. Punch is happy to state that the parties were rich, as was
shown by their having paid a thousand guineas and more, a-piece, to
obtain the Bills to which the Queen's assent was this day given.
Such persons, of course, have a right to Parliamentary aid.

A little Indian debate was got up in the Lords, while a large one
was raging in the Commons. Lord Clanricarde adduced some
instances of the utter contempt with which young officers in the Indian
service are taught to regard regimental duty. The Duke oe Argyll
thought it premature to discuss the question of India at all.

In the Commons Lord Palmerston was perpetually questioned as
to whether he had heard from India, the telegraph being due. He had
not, up to the close of the sitting at two in the morning, but on
Tuesday private people received the tidings, published on Wednesday,
that Delhi had not fallen, that the mutiny was spreading, that there
was no Bengal army left, and that English soldiers were fast arriving.
All this was unknown during the debate. Mr. Disraeli, himself not
a bad representative of a mutinous Asiatic, denounced everything that
had ever been done in India, and poor Vernon Smith, to Dizzy's
extreme delight, reproached him with being mischievous. Disraeli
wanted a Commission sent out to inquire into the grievances of the
rebels, but this was too much for the English spirit of Lord John
Russell, who moved as an amendment that the House should address
the Queen, and assure her of every assistance in putting the rebels
down. Mr. Thomas Baring, also, who might be the Tory Chancellor
of tl;e Exchequer if he chose (and Lord Derby happened to come
into office)^ pitched into his fellow Conservative very severely. . Mr.
Ayrton, of the Tower Hamlets, who appears to have taken a vow to
speak upon all occasions whatsoever, but who, having practised as a
barrister in India, had some right to be heard to-night, tried to get the
debate_ adjourned, but was beaten by 203 to 79. There was a good
deal of speaking besides, and Disraeli's taunting reply, when he had
only to be personal and sarcastic, was evidently so much more in
earnest than his speech, which dealt with grave interests, that he was
very successful. He nicknamed Lord John Russell the Halcyon,
brooding on bright waters, and (he added, with a little confusion of
metaphor) playing a conciliatory card to assist Government. A
halcyon at whist is a notion worthy an Asian mystic. Finally, the
Halcyon's amendment was unanimously adopted.

Tuesday. The Liverpool people petition for Courts of Reconcilement,
wherein quarrels may be settled at once, and the lawyers be prevented
from plunder. The Liverpool people are sensible men, except in

petitioning for such things to two chambers, in one of which, almost
the only men with brains are retired and enriched lawyers, and in the
other the same noxious element is about ten times as prevalent. Why
not establish such Courts for themselves, making compact to be bound
by the decisions ? The Eraudulent Trustees Bill was read a second
time, Lord Brougham telling a good story of a boy who, choosing a
trade, begged to be brought up an "executor," having noticed that it
must be a good business, as, ever since his father had been one, there
had always been meat in the house.

Sir George Grey proposed to hand over the powers of the Board
of Health to a Committee of the Educational Council, but finally gave
it up, and arranged to take a continuance of the powers of the Board.
The Metropolis and all the provincial cities being now so thoroughly
drained and cleansed, the Thames being so completely purified, and
every precaution being everywhere in readiness, should epidemic or
disease break out, (the stench which happens to poison the House of
Commons every day is a trifle not worth mentioning,) the health of
the people—none of whom now live in crowded lodging-houses, without
water and other conveniencies—may be considered as perfectly cared
for, and the "local" folks are right in asking to abolish a Board for
which there is no further use.

The evening's debate was on Military Education, and when the
beau-ideal which the House proposes to itself as the model of a British
officer shall be realised, there will no longer be anything unreasonable
in the sentiments of the females who reside in the neighbourhood of
the Misses Kenwigs, and behold in the wax image in the spirited
young hairdresser's window that conformation found only in Military
Men and Angels. A resolution that the military angels, especially
those on the staff, ought to receive a higher education than now, and
that competitive examination should be one of its elements, was
agreed to.

The writs for Mayo and Galway were refused, and instead, the Irish
Attorney-General was ordered to prosecute the priests Conway and
PlYan. Some of the Irish members, of the anti-English party, opposed
the prosecution, but were beaten by overwhelming majorities on three
divisions, and indeed may be charitably supposed to have shown fight
only to please their masters, the Irish priests.

Wednesday. Mr. Punch has but to put forth his influence in earnest
to secure a glorious victory for any party into whose scale he may
throw his sword. But as he would sooner be torn to pieces by wild
horses, or talked to death by Wiscount Williams, than lend any aid,
save in the cause of virtue and humanity, there is no fear of his gigantic
powers being misdirected. This modest statement of his position and
character will scarcely be deemed irrelevant (not that he cares whether
it is thought so, or not) when he announces that on this day, Wednes-
day, the result of his exertions in favour of the Civil Servants of the
Crown was the defeat of Viscount Palmerston's strong Government
by 171 to 111, on the Superannuation Bill. Mr. Punch thus secures
to every Civil Servant who has more than one hundred a-year an
increase of five per cent., and an increase of two and a half per cent, to
every such servant with an income under that amount. Of the
banquet which the Sixteen Thousand Servants intend to offer to Mr.
Punch, in testimony of gratitude, full details will be given in due time.

Mr. Bernal Osborne delivered a rather amusing and abusing
attack upon some people who had petitioned against his return for
Dover, and two more victims were sacrificed at the altar of Purity of
Election, the two members for Yarmouth. We thought something
would come of the shower of Herrings announced the other day.
These signs and tokens ought not to be neglected.

Thursday. Lord Ellenborough argued with much justice, that
the Government of India was not directed by the Governor-General
in person, but by secretaries and clerks. The old frumps in Leaden-
hall Street like a large batch of dispatches, because they look fussv
and business-like, and so everything is done in writing, instead of
officials being brought face to face, and settling matters in ten minutes.
Some of these India House people make their servants address them
in letters on all occasions. One Director insists on this sort of thing
from his footman,—" Sir,—I have the honour to apprise you that Tea
is ready in the drawing-room, and I am further directed by my Lady
to ascertain from you, whether you prefer Buttered or Dry Toast.
Awaiting your reply, I have the honour to remain, Sir, your very
obedient and very humble Servant, John Thomas.—1st August, 1857."
This the old fool dockets, marking on the outside, " Answered, Dry,"
and puts the whole away, under lock and key. And on this system
the Company makes its servants act, and then wonders that nothing
is done.

In the Commons, Mr. Adderley complained of the pestilential
stench which comes every evening into every window of the river-front
of the Houses of Parliament. _ Sir Benjamin Hall very properly
explained that for the non-drainage of the Metropolis the parties
responsible were the chattering Do-nothings of the Central Works
Board, itself almost a greater nuisance than any of the nuisances it
i neglects to abate. We shall have to abolish this Board, we see that,
j The Divorce Bill came on for second reading. It was proposed by
Sits. Richard B"ethell, and then opposed by Eleven gentlemen. This