Punch (33.1857)

August 1, 1857.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

41

PHCEBE AND THE PICNICS.

Now all you young folks, hear this story of mine,
'Tis the tale of Miss Darby and Hal Hazeldine,
And the he or the she who the warning despises
Like them may show up at the Summer Assizes.

'Tis now two years back, when as blooming as Hebe
She went to a pic-nic, the beautiful Phcebe,
And who cut her chicken, and poured out her wine,
O, who but young Henry, the bold Hazeldine ?

To see was to love her : to see him, to love.

But this was no match that's constructed above:

For her father objected, and kicked up a shine

At the thought of her marriage with young Hazeldine.

Rehearsing the conjugal grab at the tin
Her heart being open, it gushed like a founting

And he goes to old Hampton's, Miss Darby to meet.
And he uses bad words, which I shall not repeat.

And he acts very coarse, and a chain that did deck
Our pretty young Phcebe, he tears from her neck,
And in struggle unmanly he makes her hands bleed,
And (I'm sorry to write it) he bids her be d'd.

She pays back his loans, to the utmost, poor lamb,
And straightway she weds the affectionate Sam ;
When Henry the wrathful, whose rage grew more grim,
Brings an action for breach of her promise to him.

'Twas tried down at Worcester by one you can't bam well,
That excellent, keen-sighted Judge, Baron Bramwell.
If ever I'm tried, being innocent, O !
May B. be my Judge ; but if guilty,—why, no.

And Hazeldine's brief fell to one, who in muddle's tone
Spoke never, the winning and elegant Huddleston,
And could tactics have managed the merits to smother,
One H. would have carried the verdict for t'other.

But the Hazeldine star, as aforesaid, was pale,
And no Huddleston eloquence then could prevail,
For the case came out badly, as badly could be.
When witnesses came, called by Skinner, Q.C.

And down came Judge Bramwell, like Cedron in flood,
And trampled the case of the plaintiff to mud ;
Called his conduct, as proved, both unmanly and mean,
And the action the weakest his lordship had seen.

Then the jury looked happy at getting their cue

From the Judge on the bench, so should I, would not you?

And quickly agreeing, of concord made sign,

Kefusing one farthing to fierce Uazeleine.

And that is my story. I know we shan't quarrel
If I venture to leave out the evident moral:
Let's hope that H. H. will get mild, and a wife,
And Phcebe and Samuel be happy for life.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OE PARLIAMENT.

But Phcebe was plucky, and stood by her Hal, n Ju'v 20, Monday. Lord Campbell, ever eager to rout up the poor

Despite her papa, like a true-hearted gal; I Chancellor gave him notice to be ready next night upon the Jew

And wrote him sweet letters, and soon did begin question 1 he Ihames mud was put into the hands or the Lord

Mayor by 44 to 5, and a ±>ill lor making the Liverpool corporation
apply the Mersey dues to their original object, the improvement of the
harbour, was carried by 23 to 15, the outcry, usual when robbery or

She wrote for ten pound and for " kisses past counting," jobbery is assailed, being raised about the rights of private property.

And, amid her affection, of business still heedful, Government has allowed so much chattering in the Commons, that

Again in her postscript she asked for the needful. it is now necessary to throw over the Savings Banks Bill. Mr.

Bentinck complained that the country was not adequately defended.

In October that followed, she fancied her shape and that LordPalmerston was neither omniscient nor even omnipotent^

Would be nicely set off by an elegant cape, also that no one could say what might happen in the next few weeks.

But Pa, being stingy, allowed her to pme, There was some desultory talk on all these propositions, and Pam

So for "ten pound or twenty" she asked Hazeltixe. assured the House that, as far as he saw, all was serene, and that he

~ r. n t j • .i was sending 20,000 men, of all arms, to India. A dull debate on the

Once more, it appears she appealed to the purse Vtinssse war followed, and Sir C. Wood seemed rather to take credit

Of him she was pledged to, tor better for worse ; t0 the Government for that war, as it had caused troops to be sent to

And concluded a letter both kindly and clever _ Ch; wbich fc were collared en route and would be most usefu(

With the statement that Phcebe remained, his for ever. m India_ Qn thg wmg Bm <|ebate the persevering Bethell made

The marriage was fixed, and the bridesmaids were caught, another but an indirect attempt at the limitation of country probate,

And Phcebe's sweet dresses were chosen and bought; but the Committee would not hear of it, and he had to abandon his

But Love's a queer boy, and he cuts rummy capers, 1 ciause- The Chelsea hew Bridge Bill (the Bridge to Battersea Park)

And why did he send her to Vernon, a draper's ? I ^as read a second time. It imposes no tolls on loot-passengers, but

it is thought that those who can afford vehicles can anord the two-

And why did he cause at a pic-nic to rally pence to go over.

Some folks in the Happy—no, Habberley—Valley, Tuesday. Lord St. Leonard's introduced a plan for simplifying, as

And why to make wretched poor Hazeldine's lot, he called it, the title to real property, but at best, {Punch speaks with all

Was Phcebe invited and Hazeldine not ? deference to the preternatural conveyancing knowledge of the author of

, -i , /r\ n ^ , , , i , , , I Vendors and Purchasers.) his reforms are mere tinkering, and what is

And why (O you Cupid, you ought to be stamped on,) wanted is a system cognate to that on which the Encumbered Estates

Did Phoebe encounter one Samuel Hampton Courts in Ireland sell a title tnat is sood against all the lawyers in and

And who poured her wine out, and who sliced her ham, „„f nfPonJo^n^i,™

l v j j l -r% i i l » O Q UUt' Ul X ctilU.CiIlUIlLU.Ul.

O, who but the Bival, the conquering Sam ? ; CaMPBELL catechised Cranworth touching the Jew penalty case,

The Hazeldine star from that hour became pale, j ^ Sot a/ery short answer The L. C. J. impressively warned the

Hampton Court-ing's so pleasant, 'tis sure to prevail; : of Commons against trying to seat a Jew by resolution, as it

And Henry, thrown over, deplored, with a tear, ! w°uld exposelum to penalties which he,. Campbell, would assuredly

The loss of a wife with £100 a-year. J«force, arid then, if the Commons sent him to Newgate or the Tower,

j he hoped the people would rise m his defence. Brougham, also,

Not long with a tear his distress did he bear, trusted that the Commons would attempt nothing of the kind. It

For the witnesses prove him accustomed to swear; [ Campbell should wish to hide himself, for a time, from the fury of the

Vol. 33. 2—2