Punch (41.1861)

September 7, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ARE MOURNERS TRAVELLERS?

Bis question the law has
lately had to entertain, of
course with reference to the
Public-House question,
which connects itself with
all the doings of Englishmen,
from cradle to coffin. The
law didn’t seem exactly to
know what to say Of course
the Shakspearian quotation
came up, and we heard of the
bourne from which no travel-
ler returns, but this told the
wrong way, as it was the
traveller on his return from
the bourne indicated, who
wanted tipple. “ Sorrow is
dry,” was also urged, but the
law was dry too, and de-
clined to listen to sentiment.
Mr. Canning’s pun about
“ his beer with an e, and his
bier with an was admired,
but not held to be precisely
relevant. That “ shedding a
tear,” is an equivalent phrase
among the vulgar for taking
a small glass of spirits was
mentioned, only to procure
the instant kicking of the
vulgarian witness out of
Court, and a similar fate as
justly befel a kindred snob
who mumbled something about keeping spirits up by pouring spirits down. Finally
it was decided, in that humorous manner peculiar to the law, that though a
mourner, as such, had no more right to drink than the most cheerful person in the
world, yet as Magna Charta did not enact that an undertaker should not be over-
taken in liquor, there was a presumption in favour of allowing it to those whom
lie escorted, and a publican who had refreshed a funeral party was found not guilty
of illegal hospitality, a decision in conformity with the precedent that couples
Mutes and Liquids.

A BRA YE BISHOP.

The French have been inaugurating, with much glorifi-
cation, a monument to commemorate the expedition of
William the Unlawful to conquer England. They say
that they would repeat the operation, but that there is no-
body in France, with a similar pedigree, to take the lead.
We can forgive the vaunt, in our pleasure at the improved
morale of our neighbours. But it aroused the manly pa-
| triotism of one man among us, namely, Bishop Tait.
Scarcely had he read the news, when that gallant hierarch
threw himself into a vessel, and invaded France single-
{handed, and attended only by a brace of fierce young
chaplains. He dashed at Calais on a Tuesday, rallied the
Protestants, proclaimed the Thirty-Nine Articles,_ and the
temporal supremacy of Queen Victoria, and having con-
finned the faithful in their allegiance, he hurried on to
Dunkirk, and on the same day, and with the same audacity
and good fortune, planted more firmly than ever the stand-
ard of the British Church.

The French were thunderstruck at this double coup of
the brave Bishop, and so far from endeavouring to impede
him, they allowed him every facility for his progress, and
on the Friday he was at Bonn, beyond the reach of the
whole French army. While we have such champions to
maintain the cause of our Church, France may stick up as
many columns as she can pay for, and Dr. Ullathorne
may preach as many sermons as he likes in the cathedral*
which she can’t, or won’t pay for.

A Slight Omission.

The Victors of Bull’s Run and Springfield have a cer-
tain right to blow their own trumpets, considering the
awful swagger of the North previously to the engagements;
but when General Beauregard, in a proclamation,
profanely informs Slave-floggers that “unborn generations
shall arise and call them Blessed,” we must be allowed to
doubt the value of the prophecy, unless the proverbially
inaccurate journalists of America have omitted a word.
Did he write “Blessed Rascals”?

A WORD WITH THE VOLUNTEERS.

The universe well knows how immensely Mr. Punch admires the
Volunteers. Hath he not from their first starting advanced them his
support, and so shielded them from the ridicule which might have
otherwise been hurled at them ? Hath he not in fact made the move-
ment what it is, the glory of this island and the terror of the Continent r
Guided by the promptings of his “ sagacious instinct ” (to which Lord
Palmerston so pointedly referred the other day, in his speech on
installation as Warden of the Cinque Ports), Mr. Punch saw from the
first that by the growth of Volunteers there would be saved the cost of
increase of the Army; so his feelings as a tax payer inclined him to
regard them with considerable favour, and to lose no chance to pat
them on the back.

Mr. Punch is free to own that on the whole his pets have shown
themselves deserving of his patronage, and that their prowess in sharp-
shooting proves them worthily descended from their ancestors of old,
who were so admirably skilled in drawing the long bow, and when they
shot an arrow, gave the enemy they aimed at an-arrow chance of life.
The dreary drudgery of drill is far more patiently submitted to than by
many a pipe-clayed prophet was averred would be the case; and if at
a review a ramrod has been shot away, such accidents have chanced
with the best regulated regulars, and one must not blame the Volun-
teers alone for having suffered them.

But there axe many minor matters connected with the movement for
which the hand of a reformer might fitly be invoked, and this hand
(with a pen in it) Mr. Punch would fain stretch out. For instance, if
the Volunteers have any music in their souls, why do they let their
bands perform such pitiable tunes as nine corps out of ten appear con-
tented to step out to, but which have nothing in them inspiring to a
soldier, and indeed seem only written for the small boys in the streets ?
Surely quite enough of martial music has been written to save the need
ol playing nigger melodies to march to, and there surely is as much
that is inspiring to a Rifleman in such a tune for instance as the British
(grenadiers,’’ as in the silly “Perfect Cure,” or the sillier “Sally Come
Up. Yet for once that one may hear the former march performed,
one hears a hundred brayings of the latter stupid tunes : and one feels
tempted to suggest that as the bands appear so i’ond of playing nigger-
songs, they ought to black their faces to make the thing complete.

Another nuisance to be quashed is the trick that some corps have of
returning from a march in the middle of the night, and of making the
night hideous with the blaring of brass bands, thereby awaking sober
people out of their first sleep. How many sick persons have suffered
from this cause, the doctors might perhaps supply statistics to point
out; but it really is too bad that a whole town should be disturbed,
because Private Brown or Buggins is getting rather tired, and wants
the stimulus of music to spur him on the march.

There are other faults and follies whereof Mr. Punch has heard, which
all true Volunteers should lend their help to crush, as they tend to
bring the movement into disrepute. For instance why some Riflemen
can’t walk out in their uniform without lighting a short pipe, is_a mys-
tery which time as yet has failed to solve; nor is it a whit plainer to
non -military minds why some Volunteers should hold themselves quite
free to smoke on railways without asking for permission, and to puff
their smoke in the face of fellow-travellers without thinking it possible
that it may not be liked.

These are some of the things done by the fast men of the movement,
who seem to emulate the Yankees in going a-head of due propriety and
out-running good taste. But Mr. Punch feels sure that our fastest
Volunteers will never emulate that “ unfortunate rapidity of move-
ment” by which the Yankee Volunteers were distinguished at Bull’s
Run.

A Trifle from the C. C. C.

It seems that remarkably queer indiwiddle
Whom Cockneys describe as the Baron de Viddle,
Has turned out unable a jury to diddle:

They thought his excuses were mere faddle-fiddle.
And offered a simple reply to his riddle;

So Baron de Vidil’s shut up in the middle
Of life, by a verdict of “Treated his kid ill.”

THE ROAD TO RUIN.

“ The Federals, after the Springfield defeat, have fallen back upon Rolla.”
This really looks like going to smash. At least, we all know where
an English Manager is going, when he falls back upon Pizarro.