DOI issue:
December 12, 1868
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16882#0259
256
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[December 12, 1868.
PERAMBULATOR RACES.
elocipedes are all the go at Paris, and,
unless some check be put to the proclivities
of nursemaids, we may expect, ere long, in
London to see races with perambulators.
We shall not be surprised to hear that Mary
Jake has backed herself to wheel two babies
round Hyde Park in five-and-twenty minutes,
and doubtless matches will be made in most
adjacent nurseries, and winners will be
handicapped by having heavy babies added
to their load. Indeed we doubt not that ere
long perambulator races will be noticed in
Bell’s Life, and we shall read that Sukey
Scroggins, alias “the Plying Spider,” is
open to a race with Sally Skeggs, the
Brompton Pet. Or the sporting world will
learn, with mingled wonder and delight,
that Mrs.Leavechild’s “Novice,” on Mon-
day afternoon, raced her perambulator along-
side of a hansom, for upwards of a mile
upon the Hampstead Road.
As nursemaids now, when told to take
the children for an airing, desire invariably
to stop and stare at all the bonnet-shops,
it becomes of course their object to go at a
good pace over the pavement intervening,
that they may have fair time for their flir-
tation in the park. By having periodically races with perambulators,
they will learn to keep in training, and acquire both speed in progress
and skill in steering quickly through the crowded streets. The chief
business with our nursemaids being mostly their own pleasure, their
object naturally is, when ordered out for exercise, to get to their
flirtation-grounds as quickly as they can, after wasting a good time in
the allurements of the shops. They pay little heed of course to
what accidents may happen, while they recklessly are urging on their
wild career. Caring little for the little ones entrusted to their charge,
they trust to their good luck to prevent bones being broken, and keep
ever at their tongue’s tip a whole volume of excuses, to account for
the upsettings their stupidity and carelessness are certain to induce.
A PAPER POR THE GEOGRAPHICAL SOCIETY.
Mr. Punch,
I know I am stupendously ignorant, as I have more than
once confessed penitentially in your ear, but is it absolutely indis-
pensable to be versed in the geography of Central Asia ? I read in an
evening Gazette, the very one which drove me to confide my uneasiness
on the same subject to you before, the following :—
“ So preternatural a blunder in the veriest elements of Central Asiatic
geography as the confusion of Little Thibet or Baltistan with the newl}7
consolidated Turkish realm of the Kushbegi of Yarkand can hardly be the
result of anything but mere oversight.’ ’
In my case I felt it would have been the result of mere ignorance, as
I could not remember ever to have heard of the Kushbegi or his do-
minions before, and the only way in which I could comfort myself was
by reflecting that the paragraph did not refer to the usual ignoramuses
like myself, but to a correspondent’s letter in another paper. My com-
placency, however, such as it was, was soon disturbed, for not many
nights had passed when the same journal plunged into Central Asia
again, saying:—
“ We cannot possibly tell whether the two events—that is to say, the defeat
of a force of the Kushbegi in a collision with a Russian force on the Narym,
and the demand of the Russians for a post at Gumah—be well authenticated
or not, &c.”
The easy familiarity with which all this was treated, as though the
journalist were writing of the defeat of Mr. Disraeli, or the widening
of the Cam, or the Emperor op the Prench, convinced me of the
disgrace it was not to be as thoroughly acquainted with the Kushbegi
and. the Narym (assumed to be a river, but which may be a cape or a
promontory) as I am with the movements of the Prince op Wales
and the course of the Thames, and I deplored more than ever the
unfinished state in which my education had been left.
During the elections it was sufficiently embarrassing to be asked at
dinner where Eye or Cricklade was,. and to be expected to know the
exact position on the map of Linlithgowshire, and the names of the
places forming the Wick District; but if the conversation is going to
turn on Yarkand and its ruler, on Gumah, and Ilchi, and the Chang-
chenmoo route—and we know that people will talk newspaper, and
this particular journal is a good deal in society—I must procure the
latest Gazetteer, and refuse all invitations, until I am as well up in the
towns and rivers of Central Asia as I am in the Stations of the Metro*
politan Railway. _ Ignoramus.
A BEER REFORM BILL WANTED.
I sah Bunch owd frind ha’ yow sin that there speech o’ Lord
Eustace Cecil my bor Jim he call him Lord Moustache Cecil cos-
lie say his lordship be a member of the hairy stockracy, but blame me.
he du talk like a book he du particlar what he sah ’bout them adulte-
raation blaggards who goo an’ rob a poor man of his beer an’ gone
[give ?] him rank pison to drink when he step into a pothouse—
“ The national drink—the drink that the labourers looked upon as both
meat and drink, was systematically poisoned. He had taken the trouble to
look into a few of the ingredients that were commonly put into the liquor
and among other articles, there were cocculus indicus, grains of Paradise, and'
copperas, the latter being nothing less than green vitriol. He would leave
it to those who understood these things better than himself, to calculate how
much harm such things as these must do to the physical strength and health
of the labourers. As employers of labour it was a serious question for them to
consider, for it not only depreciated the value of their labourer, but it also-
depreciated his whole capital—his health and strength. It was commonly
said that the great curse to the country was the beerhouses, but he believed a
much greater curse was the stuff that was sold in them.”
Brayvo yar.lordship ! thats wbat I call speakin right down sensible !
Nex time I git the chance o’ gittin half a pint blame me if I dont drink
var lordships right good health and success to var election! Taint the
beer as make us drunk—tis the drugs as there be put in it and if yew
pison men in this way yow rob em of their health and drive em to the
poor house or it may be to the horsepittle Taint their fault if they gif
drunk A labrer who work hard on nine shillun a week he aint much
overfed and he harnt got the stamminer for to bear up agin bad beer
and the first sup as he take it "it into his head which aint nit overstrong
and it make him right down iuzzy. Then may be a frind drop in and
Giles and he they have a half pint both thegither and poor Giles he
git right drunk all through the beQr a bein drugged and nex mornin
master tell him he may goo about liis bizness So I hope yow ’ll sah a
word for us pore labrers and git a Beer Reform Bill passed for to pur-
went our bein pisoned and me and my bor Jim we’ll be right proud to
drink yar health if so be as yow ull stand a half pint when nex yow
come to Sufluk So j remain yar m0st obedient
Cristofer Clod,
More nor forty year a labrer workinfur owd Farmer Skinflint down
by ILolser way in Sufluk.
PS My bor Jim he sah he allys thowt green witriol was used only
for Blue Ruin.
FRENCH MEDITATIONS.
Sir Henry Bulwer (Bunch is very glad to see Tamworth had the
sense to elect him) has made a tremendous sensation by his revelation
of a diplomatic secret. In 1840 he says that the French Government
was so angry with us, that “it was considering whether England
should not be attacked without giving her any warning.” This
amiable meditation has been denied by M. Thiers ; at least, he says it
was not in hand at the time Lord Howden, who had asked him about
it, mentioned. But, with all respect for M. Thiers, we incline to
think that.Sir Henry Bulwer was sufficiently well served to ensure
first-class information as to the plans of his enemies ; and, though it is
highly proper and decorous for M. Thiers to deny the statement
diplomatically, we should not from the whole case exactly deduce the
moral that England ought to disarm, in confidence that no friend will
ever play her a trick. As Shakspeare remarks—
“ Nought shall make us rue
While England keeps a stick, and pistol too.”
Colonial Rule.
In a leader relative to New Zealand the Times judiciously remarks :—
“ The scale must be revised according to -which it would appear that one-
Maori’s life is computed to be worth the lives of ten Englishmen.”
Yes, truly, it should be revised; and had it not better also be re*
versed ?
Parliamentary Nightwork.
When women have got the franchise, one use which they will make
of it may be expected to be the exaction from candidates of a pledge to
keep earlier legislative hours. They cannot but sympathise with the
wives of ELonourable Members who very often do not come from the
national public house till half-past two or three in the morning.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[December 12, 1868.
PERAMBULATOR RACES.
elocipedes are all the go at Paris, and,
unless some check be put to the proclivities
of nursemaids, we may expect, ere long, in
London to see races with perambulators.
We shall not be surprised to hear that Mary
Jake has backed herself to wheel two babies
round Hyde Park in five-and-twenty minutes,
and doubtless matches will be made in most
adjacent nurseries, and winners will be
handicapped by having heavy babies added
to their load. Indeed we doubt not that ere
long perambulator races will be noticed in
Bell’s Life, and we shall read that Sukey
Scroggins, alias “the Plying Spider,” is
open to a race with Sally Skeggs, the
Brompton Pet. Or the sporting world will
learn, with mingled wonder and delight,
that Mrs.Leavechild’s “Novice,” on Mon-
day afternoon, raced her perambulator along-
side of a hansom, for upwards of a mile
upon the Hampstead Road.
As nursemaids now, when told to take
the children for an airing, desire invariably
to stop and stare at all the bonnet-shops,
it becomes of course their object to go at a
good pace over the pavement intervening,
that they may have fair time for their flir-
tation in the park. By having periodically races with perambulators,
they will learn to keep in training, and acquire both speed in progress
and skill in steering quickly through the crowded streets. The chief
business with our nursemaids being mostly their own pleasure, their
object naturally is, when ordered out for exercise, to get to their
flirtation-grounds as quickly as they can, after wasting a good time in
the allurements of the shops. They pay little heed of course to
what accidents may happen, while they recklessly are urging on their
wild career. Caring little for the little ones entrusted to their charge,
they trust to their good luck to prevent bones being broken, and keep
ever at their tongue’s tip a whole volume of excuses, to account for
the upsettings their stupidity and carelessness are certain to induce.
A PAPER POR THE GEOGRAPHICAL SOCIETY.
Mr. Punch,
I know I am stupendously ignorant, as I have more than
once confessed penitentially in your ear, but is it absolutely indis-
pensable to be versed in the geography of Central Asia ? I read in an
evening Gazette, the very one which drove me to confide my uneasiness
on the same subject to you before, the following :—
“ So preternatural a blunder in the veriest elements of Central Asiatic
geography as the confusion of Little Thibet or Baltistan with the newl}7
consolidated Turkish realm of the Kushbegi of Yarkand can hardly be the
result of anything but mere oversight.’ ’
In my case I felt it would have been the result of mere ignorance, as
I could not remember ever to have heard of the Kushbegi or his do-
minions before, and the only way in which I could comfort myself was
by reflecting that the paragraph did not refer to the usual ignoramuses
like myself, but to a correspondent’s letter in another paper. My com-
placency, however, such as it was, was soon disturbed, for not many
nights had passed when the same journal plunged into Central Asia
again, saying:—
“ We cannot possibly tell whether the two events—that is to say, the defeat
of a force of the Kushbegi in a collision with a Russian force on the Narym,
and the demand of the Russians for a post at Gumah—be well authenticated
or not, &c.”
The easy familiarity with which all this was treated, as though the
journalist were writing of the defeat of Mr. Disraeli, or the widening
of the Cam, or the Emperor op the Prench, convinced me of the
disgrace it was not to be as thoroughly acquainted with the Kushbegi
and. the Narym (assumed to be a river, but which may be a cape or a
promontory) as I am with the movements of the Prince op Wales
and the course of the Thames, and I deplored more than ever the
unfinished state in which my education had been left.
During the elections it was sufficiently embarrassing to be asked at
dinner where Eye or Cricklade was,. and to be expected to know the
exact position on the map of Linlithgowshire, and the names of the
places forming the Wick District; but if the conversation is going to
turn on Yarkand and its ruler, on Gumah, and Ilchi, and the Chang-
chenmoo route—and we know that people will talk newspaper, and
this particular journal is a good deal in society—I must procure the
latest Gazetteer, and refuse all invitations, until I am as well up in the
towns and rivers of Central Asia as I am in the Stations of the Metro*
politan Railway. _ Ignoramus.
A BEER REFORM BILL WANTED.
I sah Bunch owd frind ha’ yow sin that there speech o’ Lord
Eustace Cecil my bor Jim he call him Lord Moustache Cecil cos-
lie say his lordship be a member of the hairy stockracy, but blame me.
he du talk like a book he du particlar what he sah ’bout them adulte-
raation blaggards who goo an’ rob a poor man of his beer an’ gone
[give ?] him rank pison to drink when he step into a pothouse—
“ The national drink—the drink that the labourers looked upon as both
meat and drink, was systematically poisoned. He had taken the trouble to
look into a few of the ingredients that were commonly put into the liquor
and among other articles, there were cocculus indicus, grains of Paradise, and'
copperas, the latter being nothing less than green vitriol. He would leave
it to those who understood these things better than himself, to calculate how
much harm such things as these must do to the physical strength and health
of the labourers. As employers of labour it was a serious question for them to
consider, for it not only depreciated the value of their labourer, but it also-
depreciated his whole capital—his health and strength. It was commonly
said that the great curse to the country was the beerhouses, but he believed a
much greater curse was the stuff that was sold in them.”
Brayvo yar.lordship ! thats wbat I call speakin right down sensible !
Nex time I git the chance o’ gittin half a pint blame me if I dont drink
var lordships right good health and success to var election! Taint the
beer as make us drunk—tis the drugs as there be put in it and if yew
pison men in this way yow rob em of their health and drive em to the
poor house or it may be to the horsepittle Taint their fault if they gif
drunk A labrer who work hard on nine shillun a week he aint much
overfed and he harnt got the stamminer for to bear up agin bad beer
and the first sup as he take it "it into his head which aint nit overstrong
and it make him right down iuzzy. Then may be a frind drop in and
Giles and he they have a half pint both thegither and poor Giles he
git right drunk all through the beQr a bein drugged and nex mornin
master tell him he may goo about liis bizness So I hope yow ’ll sah a
word for us pore labrers and git a Beer Reform Bill passed for to pur-
went our bein pisoned and me and my bor Jim we’ll be right proud to
drink yar health if so be as yow ull stand a half pint when nex yow
come to Sufluk So j remain yar m0st obedient
Cristofer Clod,
More nor forty year a labrer workinfur owd Farmer Skinflint down
by ILolser way in Sufluk.
PS My bor Jim he sah he allys thowt green witriol was used only
for Blue Ruin.
FRENCH MEDITATIONS.
Sir Henry Bulwer (Bunch is very glad to see Tamworth had the
sense to elect him) has made a tremendous sensation by his revelation
of a diplomatic secret. In 1840 he says that the French Government
was so angry with us, that “it was considering whether England
should not be attacked without giving her any warning.” This
amiable meditation has been denied by M. Thiers ; at least, he says it
was not in hand at the time Lord Howden, who had asked him about
it, mentioned. But, with all respect for M. Thiers, we incline to
think that.Sir Henry Bulwer was sufficiently well served to ensure
first-class information as to the plans of his enemies ; and, though it is
highly proper and decorous for M. Thiers to deny the statement
diplomatically, we should not from the whole case exactly deduce the
moral that England ought to disarm, in confidence that no friend will
ever play her a trick. As Shakspeare remarks—
“ Nought shall make us rue
While England keeps a stick, and pistol too.”
Colonial Rule.
In a leader relative to New Zealand the Times judiciously remarks :—
“ The scale must be revised according to -which it would appear that one-
Maori’s life is computed to be worth the lives of ten Englishmen.”
Yes, truly, it should be revised; and had it not better also be re*
versed ?
Parliamentary Nightwork.
When women have got the franchise, one use which they will make
of it may be expected to be the exaction from candidates of a pledge to
keep earlier legislative hours. They cannot but sympathise with the
wives of ELonourable Members who very often do not come from the
national public house till half-past two or three in the morning.