Punch: Punch (75.1878)

PUNCH, OP, THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. [August 3, 1878.

40

northern end of the huge expanse of water, which I have since
called " The Great Colonel's Gulf."

"Leave the Spears, and go for the Pond.'" I cried, with more
ready wit,—for I really was in the vein, and this was the third or
fourth jeu de mot I had made this morning. " Jump in!

"I can't swim!" he screamed, desperately. He really could do
nothing.

" I can't spare anyone to swim for you," I replied, laughingly,
just to keep him up Avhile he was running down; " but you 're fat
enough to float, and the stream will do the rest."

At this instant a spear whose strength was, fortunately, somewhat
spent in its flight through the air, warned him that further delay
was dangerous.

" Sans arrierc pensee, sdutez do haut en has.'" I cried. "Leap,
pretty creature, leap ! " I added, by way of encouragement, to show
him in what good spirits we all were. And indeed it was impossible
to help laughing at the absurd distress of fat old M'yionyt; the
Detective.

The savages drew nearer—their cavalry was out—they were all
armed—all the equestrian tribes of Mijeejee were in full force ; and
the Elastic Bands of the B'Ukmakas played their most inspiriting
war-strains, as they marched at the double-double towards the
coast.

I saw, that, if they came on at the pas de charge, M'yionyu would
be stuck all over with spears like a pincushion.
_ "It reminds me," I said to my men, "of the terms for adver-
tisements in the newspapers. They are making a big charge for
insertion."

They all roared, specially the Printer's boy from Fleet Street,
who enjoyed the joke professionally.

Two more spears from the advanced guard, and M'yionyu, seeing
no further hope, gave a tremendous leap—quite a superhuman effort
in one so corpident—and whirling through the air, anyhow,—upside
down, and downside up,—fell, with such a splash, into the water, as
to spoil the Ashing for miles round, and, in fact, it nearly endangered
the safety of our frail craft.

The Eagle Swoop of the Fat Detective prom "Spearo Point"
into "Colonel's Gulp." {Vide Narrative.)

We waited for him some time, but, as he did not re-appear, we
concluded that he had been unavoidably detained below, and, hoping
to see him later on in our journey, we set sail, got the steam up, and
waving our flag, " The Golden Fleece," in the faces of the Emperor
Jokki and all his howling tribe, who were wild with rage, I sang out
cheerily to him through the speaking-trumpet, "Jokki miboi ure
Jokkidayntc/m?" Which being impossible to translate literally,
means—" Moral: Who tries to do others, must himself expect to be

done." And I am satisfied, that, though Jokki may forget a good
deal of the instruction which I contrived to give him in private
conversional lessons (so much the half-dozen—but he didn't pay), he
will never forget the practical Christian teaching bestowed upon him
by the Great White Colonel, Senior Warden, Blooming Brother and
Double Ditto, of whom he saw the last this day at 4 p.m. [Weather
threatening. Breeze being kicked up.]—(Vide my Private Diary.)

Next Evening.—Landed on an island. Saw a cove in the distance.
Went up cautiously, and whispered, "Mr. Stanley, I presume ?"

" Tou do presume," said a voice I at once recognised. "Behold
me!" and removing his hat, with which came off at the same time
his wig, whiskers, and nose, all in a piece, I beheld once again the
form of M'yionyu, the Dark Detective.

We were all very pleased to welcome him; and that night, from
his account of the tides and currents, I was enabled to draw up a
river chart, and the commencement of a table for finding the "Golden
Letter " for the next three-years-worth of Sundays, which will be
most useful to intending visitors. By the way, who does find the
Golden Letter, and is it any use at the Bank ? if so, which Bank ? as
there are always two.

I have already commenced my Bradshaiv's Guide to the Central
African Raihuays, Avith maps in special edition, and a vocabulary of
useful words to those unacquainted with the language. I am think-
ing of the most attractive names for the stations, viz., the first is
Honeycomb Wood. There are no bees and no honey, but it sounds
well, and when you are trying to allure strangers, it would be worse
than idiotic to call one place Dryrock, another Dirtysand, another
Scorchpoint, another Phever Marsh. No ; here is my list—Honey-
comb Wood, Blue Sea Pay, Shadynook Island, Pleasant Plain, &c.
All these are good names in a prospectus, and plots of land, freehold,
will soon be purchasable. Orders for this invaluable work may be
sent to me, under cover, to the Office, Fleet Street.

{Extract from Diary.)—Before retiring to rest, I registered the heat
and took out a patent.

Night.—The camp is all asleep. The Arkadia in compartments
forms excellent camping quarters. This is the first time I have been
able to close my eyes for six weeks, and it is with a grateful heart
that I place the hatful of coin, amounting to about £5000 (English),
under my pillow, and with one hand on my revolver, and the other
on my sword (both under the bed-clothes), I calmly sink off to the
rest which I have so well earned.

One thing I do not forget. I do not know to what amount
exactly Stanley was done by the wily Emperor Jokki ; but if it
was only a few dollars, or if Jokki never saw Stanley at all—for
that sum, or for any other—then, in any case, I have amply avenged
Stanley's loss, and. now I only long, more and more ardently, to
come up with Stanley, to recoup him, with interest, for his suffer-
ings at the hands of the crafty Jokki and the Mijeejee tribe. Bonne
ntdt. And as I drop off to sleep, I murmur, "Mr. Stanley, I
pre . . . sume?" .... {Snore).

N.B.—Correspondence between the Editor and the Illustrious Traveller,
which the former thinks it due to himself at this point, and in view of
future proceedings elsewhere, to publish. This Avis au Public is not
meant in any offensive sense toivards our most Illustrious Traveller, in
whom we take this opportunity of expressing our implicit confidence, up
to a certain point. But no one, in our responsible position, can be too
cautious.

From Editor to Illustrious Traveller.—-Your last communication, we notice,
was dated on board the Arkadia. It came by hand. Where are you P

From Illustrious Traveller to Editor {by Messenger).—Here, on board the
Arkadia, which I am now using as a sea-and-river-house-boat, where I can
compile my Notes and Diaries at leisure. For reasons,—which a cheque in
full from you would cease to exist,—I would rather not land just at present.
My exs. in doing the K. I. D. Continent were terrific ; and I relied on—well,
no matter. The vast extent which I have explored, and which I shall christen
New Greenland, will offer, to the speculator and investor, such chances as may
never occur again. It will be a big fortune ; so put your money on the right
spot for once, and trust yours truly with early cheque. It's as much for your
benefit as my own. I'm very unwell, and shall not be able to finish this
exciting narrative for you, unless you are my doctor, and send me the draught
which will soon set me on my legs again. Bearer waits.

From Editor to Illustrious Traveller {per Ditto Messenger).—-Good simile
that of yours about "doctor," and most graceful play on the word " draught."
So novel and so refreshing. But you forget the Patient never prescribes
what the Physician is to send him. As to investment or speculation, select a
good piece of land and send us the particulars.

From Very Ill-used-trious Traveller to Editor {per Return Messenger).—
You mustn't press a simile too far. I am prostrated. I can scarcely hold my
pen. If I cannot raise the wind, and get a refreshing breeze, you will hear
no more from Yours Truly, who is at his last gasp. Bearer (who waits) is
witness to the shattered condition of what, pour ainsi dire, I still call my
"health." Few men can go through such trials and privations, in such a
climate as that of the Keep-it-Dark Continent, and expect to retain their
pristine energies. Coin first, plans of land after. Business is business. _ By
the way, Bearer's been four times backwards and forwards this morning.
Please pay his expenses one way (whichever way you like—you pay your
money, and are entitled to your choice), and give him a little refreshment. I
enclose some photographs,—they speak for themselves and for me ! les Voild 1