Punch: Punch (75.1878)

90

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 31, 1878.

CRIME AND CACKLE.

A Deputation of a somewhat mixed character lately waited upon
Mr. Punch, ostensibly to seek his opinion, but more manifestly to
State their own, upon criminal discipline in general, and the new
Prison Rules in par-
ticular. The deputa-
tion Avas introduced,
in a lengthy and mag-
niloquent speech, by
Mr. Commissioner
Cackle.

This gentleman
took occasion—and
about half-an-hour
—to say that having
c onsidcred the ques-
ts on from the psy-
chological, physio-
logical, and aesthetic
points of view, he
had embodied his
opinion in a brief
essay of forty pages
or so, which, with
Mr. Punch's per-
mission, he would
proceed to read. Mr.
Punch hinting that
precis might be pre-
ferable to full peru-
sal, Mr. Cackle
became learnedly ob-
scure upon'' physio-
logical rest," the
'' struggle for survi-
val," the "golden
mean," and the
comparative effects
of work and worry
upon the criminal
mind, his conclu-
sions being conveyed
in language almost
dithyrambic, and il-
lustrated with nu-
merous quotations
from the Latin
Grammar and the
Imperial ? Speaker.
His opinion, so far
as it could be
gathered from a
rambling rhapsody,
seemed to be that the
criminal's chronic
malady of " physio-
logical rest" should
be treated with a
sparse diet of beans
and fat bacon ; and
that the best cure
for a too easy con-
science was an un-
comfortable couch.

Mr. Gushington
Fudge considered
that a pharisaical
brute like the last
speaker was more
deserving of bare
plank and wooden-
pillow discipline
than many a poor
so-called criminal.
Criminals were the
creatures of circum-
stances and the vic-
tims of Society

crime; the regimen of discomfort and short commons was as futile
as it was barbarous.

Mr. William Sixes 'ad the 'onour of agreein' with the party as
last spoke. He, himself, never felt so inclined to be wirtuous as
when he was comfortable. Skilly and toke always put his back up,

and a 'ard pillow
sent him on the ram-
page sooner than
anythink, 'cept a
nagging woman. A
poor cove wanted
leisure and rest to
repent, work and
worry only spiled
his chance of con-
wersion.

Mr. Timon Snap
said that the cordial
agreement of the last
two speakers was as
natural in itself as
conclusive against
their view of the
case. When a fool
and a scoundrel
joined in commend-
ing the same thing,
it was clear that
things must be un-
mitigatedly bad.
Humanitarian deal-
ing with the criminal
classes was perni-
cious rot. {Groans
from Mr. Sixes.)
Make it hot for
them! That was the
only way. {Snorts
from Mr. Gushing-
tost Fudge.) Fine
cookery and cosset-
ting for criminals
were an insult to
common sense and
a premium upon
crime. The only
fault of the New
Prison Rules was
that they were not
half severe enough.

Mr. Commissioner
Cackle was about
to reply, when Mr.
Punch peremptorily
cut him short by
remarking that
bunkum verbosity
in the style of an
amateur essayist,
might do for a Par-
liamentary Blue
Book, but not for
his pages. He {Mr.
Punch) had pa-
tiently heard them,
and he had the
honour to disagree
with them all round.
Doctrinaire fustian,
maudlin muddle-
headedness, cynic
shallowness, and
criminal cant had
all had their turn,
but common sense
seemed not yet to
have found voice on
this question. Mr.
Cackle had talked

CHERUBIC.

: Is that Great-Grandpapa, Auntie dear 1"—"Yes. That's Great-Grandpapa ! "
'And was Great-Grandpapa Clever?"—" Very Clever, indeed!"
:And was Great-Grandpapa very Good?"—'"Very, very Good ! "
: And is that all there was or Great-Grandpapa ?"

Society, like another of the "golden

Frankenstein, was driven by fear and disgust into taking harsh
measures against the monster itself had brought into being. Society
owed a duty of care, and kindness, and delicate consideration to
the_ criminal classes, but Mr. Cross and his myrmidons were re-
viving the traditions of Torquemada's torture chamber. Moral
suasion was the only panacea for the spiritual eccentricity called

mean," but he had certainly not hit it. It lay somewhere between
plank pillows, which savoured of brutality, and pious petting,
which was full-blown folly. If Home Secretaries and Commis-
sioners could not discover it, and that without high faluting
rhetoric and Latin quotations, they had better give what they
considered their minds to prize essays, or penny readings, and