Punch: Punch (75.1878)

August 31, 1878.]

89

Extract from Diary.—This evening- sent letter to England hy Black Mail, asking for cheque on
account. Exploration must come to an end, if cheque doesn't arrive. Mine is an un-chequered exist-
ence at present. I have drawn for the Editor a touching picture of our wretched state; I wish the
Editor would draw something that would touch me. Then how ahout the Proprietors ? I 'ye got reams
of their advertisements to stick all over the Keep-it-Dark Continent—just to enlighten them—hut I
can't use them, icithout paste. How to make paste without the tin ? Impossible. If they only knew
what they are losing. And how ahout that friend in the North to whom they telegraphed and who
wired hack " Yes " ?

There are several political water-parties in the Ehigattur country, hut they are included under two
heads, the Torpids and the Rapids.

The only crimes ever committed here are known as " Aquarian Outrages," and generally arise from
envjT of a Torpid, in consequence of some more than usually dashing action of the Rapids, when he will
go out in a hoat at night with a gun for the purpose of shooting one of the Rapids, in which nefarious
design'he"generally succeeds, hut not without considerable personal risk.

But Earn expecting some return, per the Black Mail, who has left this evening for England.*

The Black Mail (Starting). Levying the Black Mail.

This explains why lie never arrived. From a drawing
taken on the spot. The two villains are probably
M'yionyu and McSmuggins in disguise.

We returned to Jarnzirihar. Then came the moment of settling up with my merry men. This
lasted some time, as I had to go into all the accounts very carefully before I could declare a dividend.

On the afternoon of the fifth day I published a report, showing a clear profit to everybody at the rate
of 12\ per cent, per annum on the takings throughout the tour, including the race with Old Scratch, the
Dark Horse, and the entertainment at Mossi.

The total amount I proposed to carry forward as far as England, where, being properly invested,
the dividend would be considerably increased.

Tn order to put this plan into successful operation as speedily as possible I set to work to pack
up "all the coin in bags previous to setting sail. Sad and subdued were the faces of those I saw looking
in and flattening their noses against the panes of the windows, which were as firmly closed as the doors.
How could I satisfy all the claims ? Except in one way, and on this I decided.

The Printer's Boy, who was as amenable to kicks as to halfpence, assisted me in my manoeuvre, and
M'yionyu, the Detective, also gave me the greatest possible help, though unconsciously.

I called M'yionyu to me, and having thanked him in a set speech, and complimented him on his
personal appearance and his generally meritorious conduct, I presented him with a cheque on the
United Alliance Greenland Bank Company for doubkrthe amount claimed, begging him to get it cashed
early next morning, so as to be beforehand with Mtomuggins. Then I summoned the latter gentle-
man, and explaining to him that he had merited well of his country, I wrote him a draft on the
North Bank (Regent's Park Branch), and requesting him not to mention the circumstance to M'yionyu,
I gave him, as an extra douceur, my best suit of reversible travelling clothes, my expanding hat,
patent umbrella, and all complete.

As I had expected, he at once set out to see what could be clone with the draft, but, it being late at
night, there was no chance of his cashing it in Jarnziribar; so he immediately started to make the
best of his way back to Mossi, where he thought the soft-headed tribes would cash his cheque, or
give him heads, gold, a farm and cattle, in exchange.

Then followed exactly what I had anticipated. All the people who had been bothering me with
their claims, and who had been hanging about my camp-office all day, seeing {as they judged by my
clothes, hat, and umbrella) me on horseback, galloping off in the direction of the far West hills, at once
procured every available animal, cart, chaise, (bathing-machine, anything on wheels, or on four_ legs,
and gave chase. Away went McSmuggins, like Johnny Gilpin, and away went everyone in Jarnziribar
(who had pretended claims on me) after him. M'yionyu was employed to pursue the fugitive, and
as the job was made worth his while, he went for him.

_ In the meantime, I and the Printer's Boy put the Arhadia together, and in the silent night,
with beating hearts full of gratitude, we entered the rowing compartment boat of our tight and trim
craft, The Arhadia.

* Note by Editor.—-This Messenger never arrived. We wish he had, as we should then have known what to do.
Pray accept apologies ; but this will explain apparent neglect.—Ed.

As we were launching it into
the deep, a small crowd of brave
fellows rushed down to render
some assistance. They pushed us
off, and we pushed them off.
Then,_ as they clung on to the boat
affectionately, we shook their
hands heartily, detaching them
from_ the boat's sides with a
walking-stick and a boat-hook
as quietly as possible, or, as our
sail was hoisted, and the breeze
was already propelling us at the
rate of twenty knots an hour, the
poor fellows might have been
carried away miles to seaward,
and Heaven knows what might
have happened to them—and, by
the way, Heaven only knows
what did, as, perhaps, like my
Costa Rica Stock, they may have
gone down to rise no more. They
deserved a better fate: I wish
they may get it.

But regrets are useless. We
were away, at last, on the bound-
ing and boundless ocean, and as
with swelling sails, and bursting
hearts, we went with the gale for
the Bay of Biscay oh (or some-
where else), we waved a long
farewell to Jarnziribar, and at
one a.m., with a southerly wind,
and a cloudy sky proclaiming a
sailing morning, the wind blowing
well from the Coast and out to
sea, we felt all the joy of a moon-
light trip without any of the ex-
pense, and at one a.m. The Off-
to-jhid-Stanley Expedition was
no more. The rest is silence; I
have no cue for going on, and so,
as I want the rest, I take it.

L'Envoi.

Where is Stanley ? where is
he ? Good title for comic song-,
" Mister Stanley, I presume ? "
and if nothing else comes of my
travels, at least this source of
income is open to me. I think
I've got a tune ; something be-
tween " In my Cottage near a
Wood," and another,—as yet un-
settled. No good trying to find
him here. I shall come across
him in Paris.

Grand opening for me in Cy-
prus. May find Stanley there ;
but mind, no cheque, no Stanley'.

If I do find him, I hope I shall

find him very well.

* * * * *

Ah, Sir! had you but shown
a little more trust and confidence,
you would have had a great deal
more for the money.

Adieu! Adieu!

Editor's Note—Our intrepid con-
tributor has not yet reappeared. The
Boy has turned up again, looking the
picture of misery, and the victim of a
settled gloom. " He has never been
repaid for the coffee which he stood
as a treat to the Explorer, who said he
was going to find Stanley. When
cross-examined as to where he had
been, he commenced a long story about
men with black faces and awful-look-
ing instruments, and of strange sights
and sounds, and wild sands and rocks.
He has not yet recovered from the
effects of travelling, and is still wan-
dering in his mind. His mother is of
opinion that he has not been farther
than Margate. This Boy has a future
before him.—Ed.