Punch (75.1878)

December 7, 1878.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

253

AN INVIDIOUS DISTINCTION.

First Lady's-maid [English). " Mb and Milady we always go by the
Tidal Train ! "

Second Lady's-maid (German). " Zon ? Ze Title Train ! Zat vill not to

THE SORCERIES OE SCIENCE.

(A Song by an Old Schoolman.)

Day by day, in this wonderful age,

Is announced some amazing invention,
Fit to puzzle the brains of a Sage,

And far past my poor comprehension.
You can talk, by the telephone-wire,

Seas o'er, with electric celerity;
To the phonograph they that aspire,

May their voices transmit to Posterity.

In my youth 'twas once thought a vain dream

That the streets could be lighted with gas ;
To expect locomotion from steam

Was accounted the hope of an ass.
A guffaw, as of yesterday, rings

In mine ears from the days long ago,
When, at what seemed ridiculous things,

Our grandfathers laughed, Ho ! ho ! ho !

And I still have some fear in my mind

That this Science will end in confusion ;
That its marvels at last we shall find _

To have been but Old Harry's illusion;
"We shall suddenly wake up some day,

In astonishment round us to stare,
To find visions have vanished away,

And the good old times still as they were.

Oh, for days on which memory dwells,

When the hedgerows were sweet with musk-roses !
What if cesspools were sunk close to wells,

And our pigstyes right under our noses r
From your sewers what good have you got,

Beyond fever-germs and bacteria ?
Till they made us drain, typhoid was not,

And we'd no such disease as diphtheria.

Now, if night's to be turned into day,

The electric light, next, will give rise,
I've no doubt, with its dazzling display,

To some novel disease of the eyes.
'Gainst the new lights I stand by the old,

Though their sheen by comparison suffers !
Oh, for your good old days, dip and mould,

With your tinder-box, matches, and snuffers !

mem. from the mansion house.

If you Avant Razors to get sharp, and Charities not

for us, as ve are only Lantet Ohentry. " to get blunt, send to Whet-ham.

ECHOES OE THE BACK-STAIRS.

(From Our Own Man at the Cabinet Keyhole, this Time.)

A Council Chamber in Whitehall. The Prime Minister fast asleep
over a Map of Afghanistan. The rest of the Cabinet talking in
half-whispers, and sketching on blotting-paper.

The Lord Chancellor (heated). Well, then, just as you like—
don't have it in. I certainly thought something might have been said
about the legal block, for the public will expect it. But of course
you know best—as you always do. [Continues sketching, irritably.

The President of the Council. Well, as far as I am concerned,
it seems to me we might just as well lug in the state of the weather.

The First Lord. And so you might, if you would give our Cyprus
business its proper importance. But you all behave shamefully
about it. Here I take the trouble to jot down five-and-twenty lines,
and you strike out every one of them.

The Foreign Secretary. Well, and what of it ? You can't sup-
pose that all Europe wants to know that you'and Stanley had
the worst fish dinner you ever had in your life at Larnaca ? Besides,
a good half of the speech ought to be about my "fishery " affair.
Cyprus, indeed !

The War Secretary. Ah, you may sneer; but we'll get it in
somehow. I'm sure that rough weather in the Mediterranean-

The Secretary for the Colonies. Pardon me, but we can't get in
a couple'of hurricanes. There's the voyage to Halifax, and that
will run into five lines, at least, and as you'won't let me have in that
bit about the Cape-

The Home Secretary. Certainly not, who wants to hear of mulls
in the Colonies with all this depression at home ? JNow L have
worked up the depressed state of trade capitally. That ought to be
the pivot of our policy.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer. What! when every other line
should be a sort of life-buoy for the money market! Ridiculous !
I'm dead against it! There !

The Secretary for Lndia. Well, at this rate, I don't see, besides
my little affair, what we shall have left. The situation is most
confusing.

The Prime Minister (waking up). Confusing ! not at all, my
Lords and Gentlemen. On the contrary, it is obvious. The fact of
the matter is we are'in a precious mess, and we want money. And
I think you may believe me when I say that I am quite sure Her
Majesty will know how to announce the fact with grace, and to
ask for the desideratum with confidence.

[ Winks and yawns as Scene closes

To John Ruskin.

{On a recent Verdict.)

If " Fors Clavigera," dear Slade Professor,

Means " Force that bears a club,"
Be warned, since of a big stick you 're possessor,

And more discreetly drub.
Strength unrestrained's not greater strength but lesser,

And scorn provoketh snub.

a word to would-be regicides.

There are two Asses in Assassination. Is it not therefore doubly
asinine ?

A real Amber Mouthpiece.—The new Prima Donna.