Punch (75.1878)

November 30, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 241

LAST FROM THE STOCK EXCHANGE.

" Hullo a, Charlie ! What's the Matter? Training for a Kace?"
"No, Tom. Racing for a Train !"

A CAD 'S A CAD ECU A THAT.

Is there a Jingo, proud and high,

Who cocks his nose, and a' that ?
The swaggering sumph, we pass him by—

"We dare be just for a' that!
For a' that, and a' that,

His sniggering scorn, and a' that:
The sneer is but the club-room's stamp,

The clay is Cad's for a' that!

What though on civic fare he dine,

Wear Court attire, and a' that;
Give churls their turtle, clowns their wine,

A Cad's a Cad for a' that:
For a' that and a' that,

Their patriot show and a' that:
The selfish Snob, or rich or poor,

Is Cad at heart for a' that!

Ye see yon trickster, late dubbed Lord,

Who dodges, dupes, and a' that;
Though thousands shout at each smart word,

He's charlatan for a' that,
For a' that and a' that.

His riband, star, and a' that;
The man of just considerate mind,

He smiles—or sighs—at a' that!

A Cad may boast of power of fight,

Of patriot zeal, and a' that;
But trust in right's above his flight;

He has not pluck for a' that!
For a' that and a' that,

Their blatant bounce, and a' that:
Fair play, stern justice, steadfast calm,

Show truer grit than a' that!

Then let us pray that come it may—

As come it will for a' that—
That Jingo rant and Cad-dom's cant

May hush their row, and a' that!
For a' that and a' that,

It's coming yet for a' that,
When patriots true the wide world o'er

Shall brothers be for a' that!

MILLERS AND THEIR MEN.

(A Civil Service Examination in conneetion with the Board of Trade.)
Examiner. Now, Sir, what is calico ?

Candidate. Sir, there is theoretical calico—and practical calico.
Theoretical calico is a textile fabric manufactured from cotton—the
laniferous envelope of the seeds of Gossypium herbaceum. That is
rare. Practical calico is the more common thing.

Examiner. Indeed, Sir ! And how do you describe that ?

Candidate. Practical calico, Sir, the calico of commerce, and
especially the calico designed for exportation, is formed in part only
of cotton. It consists, besides, of size—a mixture composed of flour,
China clay, Epsom salts, chlorate of zinc, chlorate of magnesia, and
glue, in the proportion of from 70 or 80 to 130, and even 200 per
cent.

Examiner. This information is new to us, Sir.—Will you oblige
me with its origin ?

Candidate. Certainly, Sir. You will find the facts and figures I
have had the honour to state in a recent issue of the Liverpool
Mercury, quoted by the Pall Mall Gazette. They occur in the
report of a law case—a suit between a cotton manufacturer and a
firm of cotton warp-sizers, respecting a disputed charge for cotton
warp-sizing. It is a distinct business—I had almost said branch -of
industry. The details I have given you were furnished by one of
the plaintiffs, who coolly avowed his acts. In conclusion, he said he
had been '' in the trade twenty years, and in commencing only put
5 per cent, into the warps, and the size then consisted solely of flour,
but now they had to add chemicals to get the weight up, as manu-
facturers asked them for more weight."

Examiner. Does any adage in an elementary educationalj work
occur to you as applicable to that gentleman's career ?

Candidate. Nemo repente fuit turpissimus.

Examiner. Very well, Sir. In respect to composition, can you
point to any analogy between cotton and silk ?

Candidate. Silk proper, Sir, is simply woven from the chrysalis-
coccoon of the Bombyx mori. The silk you purchase is, much if not
most of it, '' loaded,'' as it is called, with logwood and gum. The web is
sent to the dyer weighing, say, sixteen ounces.It is returned to the

silk-miller with its weight increased by from twenty-four up to forty
ounces—the result of loading with matter in the wrong place.

Examiner. Can you name any other description of business cor-
responding to that of cotton warp-sizers and silk-loaders P

Candidate. The business of stolen-plate-melters, or of sausage-
grinders who load their sausages up with a large per-centage of
carrion and cat's meat.

Examiner. What practical inference, Sir, would you deduce from
the existence of businesses and practices such as you have described ?

Candidate. That in a country where adulteration constitutes a
business of itself, there is very much to account for the depression
of trade. And that commodities formerly known as British '' goods "
are in the way to become notorious as British " bads."

Examiner. Can you suggest any means of limiting such objection-
able operations as cotton warp-sizing and silk-loading ?

Candidate. Heavy fines and long terms of imprisonment with hard
labour.

Examiner. That will do, Sir. I have the pleasure to inform you
that your answers have given me complete satisfaction.

A Really Cruel Case.

Here is a candid parson—a parson no doubt as deserving as
modest—who advertises in the Field, and to whom Punch ought to
be glad to give a " leg-up " :—

TO PATRONS.—An Incumbent, age 74, income under £400, wishes
PREFERMENT. Quite up to work. Address, &c.

Considering what Church livings are, can anything be more
affecting than the agonising prayer for preferment of this ill-used
old Incumbent who, at seventy-four, finds himself with a Church
income of less than £400 a year! Shame ! Patrons, where are
your blushes ?

setting things straight (P).

It may please Lord Selborne and Lord Rosebert to be content
with being Lord. Rectors. Lord Beaconseield flies at higher game.
He aspires to be Lord Rectificator.