Punch (75.1878)

December 14, 1878.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

265

TESTING THE THAMES.

Father Thames loquitur :—

__.y

"will they say my stream,
a sink,

And swear my bed^is but a miry

bog:

How dare maligners say my normal stink
_ Is as a " blend " of bilge-water and fog P
Such groundless accusation sorely irks
My friends the Metropolitan Board of Works.

That noble brotherhood they took a boat,
They also donned their best rose-coloured spqcs,

And down my libelled stream did steam and float,
With watchful eyes, tense noses, craning necks

(And goodly store of water of Cologne),

All to inspect my fragrant " sewage zone."

They sampled, tested, smelt; they stirred and poked,
With pole and eke with grapnel, bed and bank ;

They sniffed and sipped, but, though they smiled and joked
I noticed that but slender draughts they drank.

And then they found—I own to my surprise—

All those vile charges were but wicked lies.

There was no mud at all nor any muck,
No nasty taste, and no unpleasant smell;

Nought unto lowered pole or grapnel stuck,
Save harmless stone or shingle ; all was well!

There might have been a little tarry scum,

But, for the rest, 'twas all a foolish hum.

Those beastly Gas-works were alone to blame,—
The sewage really improved my stream ;

It was, they swore, a most outrageous shame,
That fools of silting up should talk or dream,

Or hint the presence —(evil-minded men)—

Of slime or sulphuretted hydrogen.

That people plunged in my pellucid flood
Should, owing to the sewage, faint or choke—■

As some who'd tried declared—was quite too good,
A really rare rib-cracking sort of joke.

Facing such facts, it was not fair, now was it ?

To talk of filthy smell and foul deposit!

For just where that ill-fated Princess Alice

Had sunk, the stream was pure, the bottom shingle.

'Tis very hard that such mendacious malice
With opposition's cold remarks should mingle !

Where do they hope to go to, those false divers ?

Or those—{they said so)—".sewage-soaked" survivors

They turned them back, vowing 'twas mere stupidity

Or nasty spite that had maligned me so.
My dimpling stream was guiltless of turbidity,

No filth befouled my water's silvery flow,—
Which undisputed facts," they cried with glee,
" Will.floor that odious Thames Conservancy ! "

Hooray ! And yet, and yet-■ I somehow think

I'm scarce convinced,—the world, I know, is not.

When Hercules of Alpheus made a sink,
To prate about improvement had been rot.

Still, still, a haunting doubt within me lurks,

My bravely optimistic Board of Works !

p

A NOBLE EXAMPLE.

(Set Out Dramatically—For the Co-operative.)

Scene—Interior of a Nobleman's Mansion near the Central Meat-
Market. Enter a Peer, his Daughter Honoria, and Augustus.

Peer. Well, young man, you. have had the advantages of an
Eton education, hold a Commission in the Guards, and belong to
five respectable Clubs. But the suitor who claims Honoria's hand
must give surer pledges for her future happiness than this. {Sternly.)
Tell me, now, what do you know of butchers' meat ?

Honoria {fondling him). Oh! everything, Papa, dear. Augustus
would never have asked your consent until prepared to face and
triumph over life with all its financial difficulties. He is quite
reformed.

Augustus. Indeed, ! am, Sir. Since I have won your daughter's
priceless love, gambling, the pleasures of the race-course, and meat
direct from the butchers, have all been abandoned by me without a
murmur. Henceforth I will deal with no middleman, and live but
for her!

Peer. The resolution does you credit, but will you have the cou-
rage to_ act up to it ? Remember, if you are an honourable man,
domestic existence wiU present some stumbling-blocks to you in its
very outset. I shall expect Honoria's husband to go himself early
to the central emporium and select and carry off a whole quarter,
nay, a whole side of the best beast that he can procure for good,
honest, money.

Honoria {with enthusiasm). He will do all this, dear, dear Papa!

Augustus. Ay, that I will, all this—and more, Twice in the
week will I run down, by some cheap slow night-train, to the
western counties, and myself see, bargain for, and bring up to
town—a living beast, perhaps a couple ! There will be plenty of room
for them in the little garden at the back of our new house in Wilton

Place ; and once having got them safely through the hall—we can
kill on the premises ourselves !

Honoria. Dear, noble Augustus ! How happy we shall be !

Peer. Well, there, my boy—take her! {He joins their hands.)
With such resolves to avoid the pitfall of wasteful expenditure, you
may be able to lead a cottage life on £5000 a year. But, bear in
mind, should you ever, in a weak moment, be tempted to let the
butcher's fatal cart stop before your door, that though your old
father-in-law lives at Smithfield, and gives tinned beef in sand-
wiches to his guests at evening parties, he saves twopence in the
pound all the year round, and sets a noble example.

CONCERTS IN COLOURS.

To Artists uniting in their own persons the genius of the Painter
and the Musician may be recommended, as subjects for pigmentary
treatment, the following combination of colours in conformity with
sound:—■

A Solo in White.

A Solo in Black.

A Duet in Black and White.

A Trio in Red, Blue, and Yellow.

A Quartet in Brown, Orange, Purple, and Green.

A Ouintet in Crimson, Violet, Mauve, Copper colour, and
Lavender.

A Sestet in Stone colour, Fawn colour, Pink, Lemon colour, Rose
colour, and Dun.

A Septet in Scarlet, Bay, Chestnut, Mouse colour, Grey, Buff, and
Mahogany. And, lastly,—A Chorus in all Colours.

Anagram by Zadkiel.—Benjamin Disraeli, or Earl of Beacons-
field.—" I fear ills Old Ben can do, if Bear joins Ameeii."