Punch (75.1878)

July 20, 1878.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

13

ZEAL.

Saxon Tourist. " Been at the Kirk. ?" Celt. "Aye."

Saxon T. "How far is it?" Celt. "Daub, say it'll be fourteen Mile."

Saxon T. " Fourteen Miles ! ! "

Celt. " Aye, aw'm awfu' fond o' the Preachin' !"

" TOO STRANGE NOT TO BE TRUE."

In the Times, a few days ago, was published "Ail
Alpine Adventure," described in a leader as "strange,
and almost incredible." The hero of this remarkable
story has declared his intention of publishing his narra-
tive at length in a Magazine. En attendant, Mr.Punch
is glad to give Mr. T.'s skeleton diary :—

Monday.—Walked up a mountain, to learn German in
the open air. Somehow found myself between a preci-
pice on the one hand, and a deep gorge on the other.
Stayed where I was, and continued my studies in
German.

Tuesday.—Had a good breakfast of the finest mountain
air, which I found most refreshing. Wrote a long letter
to my wife. Continued my German studies, and drank a
little rain-water out of my umbrella.

Wednesday.—Took a light snack of earth with my
air. Wrote an account of my adventures for a Magazine.
Continued my diary. Studied.) my Ollendorff. Drank
some rain-water out of my hat.

Thursday.—Took some of the mountain air left from
yesterday's repast. Wrete several business letters, and
enjoyed the splendid sunrise and sunset.

Friday.—Mountain air getting flat, I think; or is it
my fancy?—toujours perdrix. Swigged the rain-water
in my hat, and sucked my umbrella. Wrote up my
diary, and made very satisfactory progress in my German
studies.

Saturday.—Mountain air has lost all flavour. Rain-
water with too many flies in it. No more writing-paper.
Ink exhausted. Under these circumstances, thought it
best to put on my hat, pick up my umbrella, give a little
jump—and come home I

Sors Horatiana.

(For Lord B.)

" Inceptis gravibus plenimque et magna professis,
Purpureus late qui splendeat unus et alter
Assuitur paruius......

Sed nunc, non erat bis locus : et fortasse cupressum
Scis siniulare-"

Let your "High Policy's" pretentious brag
Flaunt the Imperial Purple s Indian rag ;
Or if that bit of stuff be run too hard,
You may produce, and play, the Cyprus card.

FIRST-FRUITS.

(Selected.)

Figs will go down a halfpenny a ton.

The Turkish three R's will be taught at British School Board
Schools, with an eye to an Asian career for our sharper street-Arabs.

The Duke of York's column will be removed to Paphos.

Rahaat Lakoum will replace roast beef at Christmas; and sherbet
will take its place as a national beverage by the side of Imperial Pop.

The fez will be considered de rigueur at levees, and the yashmak at
drawing-rooms.

The Foreign Office young men will be expected to master the
geography of the Levant and the Euphrates Valley.

Excursion trains, doing the whole distance in 374 hours, will run
from Charing Cross to the Persian Gulf and back, for a day at the
Syrian Sea-side.

Too many Cookes will spoil the Turkish black broth.

Turkish bonds will be worth the paper on which they are written,
and trustees will be allowed to invest in Ottoman Bank Shares.

Blackamoors will wash white ; Turkish Pashas will change their
skins, and Levantine leopards their spots.

Soap-bubbles will blow solid.

The Sultan will spend the E.amadan at Heme Bay ; and the Earl
of Beaconsfield will take the title of Duke of Mesopotamia.

Gazette Extraordinary.

" You men of Cyprus, let her have your knees."

Shaksfeare. (Othello, Act ii. sc. 1.)

Queen of Cyprus Victoria vice Venus, who retires, receiving
the price of her commission.

_ Tightness in the Money Market.—Effect on Members of the
Stock Exchange of liquoring up at Luncheon-Bars.

STREET LAMPS AND STREET LIGHTS.

Punch is glad to hail the Pall Mall Gazette as an ally in advocating
his often-urged suggestion, that names of streets and numbers of
houses should be painted on street lamps. The Pall Mall would have
their utility carried further, and make them illuminated street
guides for all sorts of purposes. But for the present Punch would
be satisfied if they would display the names of the streets, and the
numbers of the houses—each lamp showing the first and last number
of the houses included between it and the next-for the benefit of all
who have to hit off streets or houses after nightfall.

Change of Title.

There is an annual sacrifice performed at the end of every Par-
liamentary Session, known as the " Massacre of the Innocents." We
would suggest a new name for this solemn ceremony—a name
frequently heard during a recent debate in the House of Commons—
the " Compulsory Slaughter."

what "la republique francaise" says to it.

" To fight for Turkey " ? Yes ; in tartines vip'rous
Thai is the line I urged upon John Bull.

But " keep the peace for Turkey, and hold Cyprus ? "
That »i not my chestnuts from the fire to pull.

hamlet omitted.

At the last dinner at the Russian Embassy at Berlin, Lord Bea-
consfield, Prince Gortschaeoff, and Prince Bismarck were all
three conspicuous by their absence. This might fairly be callel
a dinner a la Russe—without the pieces de resistance.

VOL. LXiV.

c