Punch (75.1878)

August 10, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49

WARRANTED.

Traveller. "You're sure she's quiet, Landlord"-

Landlord. "Quiet—Just tell her where t'are going, Honey, say nae mair ! "

OUT OF SEASON QUESTIONS FOR
BEAUTIES.

How many balls, crushes, garden-parties,
matinees musicales, and afternoon dances
have you been to ?

How many times have you been mobbed
at the Zoo, the Royal Botanical Gardens,
and the Royal Academy ?

Enumerate the matches at which you have
been stared at at Lord's, Prince's, Hurling-
ham, and the Orleans; describe your cos-
tume on each occasion.

How often have you danced at the Court
Balls ?

How many times have you been para-
graphed in the Society journals ?

State the names and addresses of the
photographers to whom you have given sit-
tings, distinguishing each photograph by
{a) dress, (b) attitude, (c) expression of eye.

Describe your costumes and parties at
Ascot and Goodwood.

How do you like running the gauntlet
of fast men and faster women, of more
money than brains and less character than
either ?

Describe the sensation of (a) being "taken
up," and {b) being "let down."

Describe the effect of the beauty-woman's
passing and questionable popularity, on
(a) your health, (b) your happiness, (c) your
income, (d) your manners, and (e) the feel-
ings of your family.

And lastly (not that it matters much),
state what has become of your husband ?

' [Heads in Chancery.

{A Scene in Court.)

Says Malins to Glasse,

" I think you 're an ass ! "
Savs Glasse back to Malins,
I pity your failins ! "

Appropriate "Pitch" for the Minis-
terial Fish Dinner.—Billingsgate.

After the Season.—On the Seas.

THE PEOPLE ON PALAYER,

To the Honourable the House of Commons in Parliament as-
sembled :—

The humble Petition of us, the People of England, Humbly
Sheweth :—

That we, your humble Petitioners, are accustomed to read the
morning papers in which the speeches of the principal Members of
your honourable House, therein made in the preceding night's debate,
are reported.

That those speeches altogether occupy as many as ten or twelve
newspaper columns of small print.

That in every paper they are daily compressed within a space of
larger print seldom exceeding a single column.

That the debates of a whole week in your honourable House are
regularly condensed into about two pages of that incomparable pub-
lication, Punch, containing everything in them which is of any the
slightest consequence.

That whilst it is true that a fool is known by his much speaking,
it _ is equally true that the Members of the Collective Wisdom con-
stituting your honourable House, are notorious for the very same
thing.

Your petitioners therefore would humbly pray that your honour-
able House would be pleased to take such measure's as to your
Avisdom shall seem fitting, for compressing the speeches of your long

jected Anglo-Turkish Convention. "Which had they done, the Con-
vention would certainly not yet have been concluded, but would
still remain a question under debate before your honourable House,
and most likely never to be concluded at all. Your Petitioners
therefore beseech you to oblige all Honourable Gentlemen addressing
you to cut it short.
And your Petitioners, as in duty bound, will ever pay.

(Signed)

We the People of England by our Procurator Punch.

OLD CLOTHES FOR CLERGYMEN.

According to the Post, Mr. Cowen, in moving an amendment to
the Bishoprics Bill, expressed himself in terms which may be
thought to indicate some slight confusion of ideas concerning the
Ministers of the Established Church. Having said that what the
people of England wanted was, not more Bishops, but a Church
with complete intellectual freedom, and religious equality :—

" He also objected to increasing the number of a highly-paid hierarchy,
while many of the working Clergy were so poor, that they were not able to
have flesh-meat more than once a week, and that appeals were made on their
behalf for old clothes."

Is the Honourable Gentleman quite sure that much of the absti-
, nence from flesh-meat among the parsons which he appears to have
winded Members within reasonable bounds, which they could easily ' heard of is not voluntary, and practised on purpose to emulat ■
be reduced to by being shorn of verbosity, tautology, rigmarole, irre- ; Roman Catholics ? This may well be, if it is also those Clergymen
levant argumentation, bosh and bunkum. on whose behalf appeals for old clothes are made. Are not ap-

In conclusion, royv humble Petitioners humbly beg your honour- : peals continually made on behalf of the Ritualist Clergy in favour
able House to consider what the probable consequence would have ; of copes, stoles, chasubles, and other antiquated sacerdotal vest-
been if her Majesty's Government had, out of deference to Constitu- ments and embellishments ? And what are all such fal-lals and
tional principle, communicated to your honourable House their pro- I paraphernalia but eeelesiastieal old clothes ?

vol. xxxv.

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