DOI Heft:
July 10, 1880
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17764#0018
10
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[July 10, 1880.
THE BEADLE!
OR,
THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJE3TES.
BY
ANTHONY DOLLOP.
Author of “The Chronicles of Barsellshire,” “ Beerjester Brewers,” “ The Half-
way'House at Aleinton,” “ Thorley Farm for Cattle,” “ Family Parsonage,"
“The Prying Minister,” “Pearls Before Swine; or, Who Used Mis
Diamonds f ” Pub the Hair,” “ The Way We Dye Now,” “Fishy Fin,”
‘ ‘ Fishy as Wildux,” “Dr. Thorne and David James,” “ Star and Garter,
Richmond,” “Rachel Hooray!” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” “ The Bertrams
and Roberts,” “Lady Pye-Anna,” “Tails of All Creatures,” “’Arry
’Otspur,” “Mary Greasily,” “ Vicar of Pullbaker,” “McDermott of
Balladsingerun,” “Can't You Forget Her?” “He Knew He Could
Writs,” |-c., 8fc.
CHAPTER YL
Two Dazed in Town.
ttrino the scene re-
corded in the previous
chapter Mr. Simples
had quietly sneaked—
sneaked, I regret to
say, is the. word—up
to town, with several
cards in his pocket, on
which he. had taken
care to inscribe, by
way of introducing
himself everywhere as
a public character,
“ Rev. S. Simpler,
Bedell of Small -
Beer jester, C o -
Despondent in the case
of Bounce v. the Card-
sharpers of Beerjester
and Others, ” his ob-
ject in writing
“Despondent” being
to excite the sympathy
of Sir Isaac Allpheeze, and obtain from him a private opinion gratis, which
would at once decide his movements with regard to John Bounce on the one
hand, and the Bishop and Archbeacon on the other.
Mr. Simon Simpler, Beadle of Small-Beerjester, who, as my readers may
not need to he reminded, is also Percenter and Precentor, and therefore a
Reverend in his own rite, found himself in London at his own expense.
Being in want of rooms in the Metropolis, he took up Chambers's Journal,
and having made his selection from a good number of Chambers, he drove
at once to the Clargey’s Hotel., in Clargey’s Street, Pickadowndilly, where
the head-waiter at once recognised the Master of Deedler’s Trust as a patron,
brought him a sherry and bitters and a biscuit, a telegram with latest betting
at Newmarket, and then retired to order his room.
The Reverend Beadle’s, or Bedell’s, as he preferred to call himself in London,
first visit was to the Angel at Islington, where he was welcomed by the angelic
| hostess and provided with an excellent dinner. After this, it being too early to
1 call on Sir Isaac, be strolled to Sadler’s 'Wells, drank the invigorating waters
; w’hick still retain a strong taste of leather about them, and then bethought him
that a more unprofitable hour might he passed elsewhere than at the Zoological
Cardens, to which place of recreation and animal spirits he forthwith bent his
I steps. Here he showed three of his cards at the entrance, but, as the Gate-
keeper is always the sharpest of all the Keepers at the.Zoological, who are all
well up in games of fonr-feet, he was unable to induce him to name the wrong
| one, so paid his money and went in.
Meeting some children with pennies in their hands, he took them to a refresh-
ment stall and bought some beautiful stale penny buns at half-price, which he
! let the children have at three for twopence or four for threepence, and so, on
the whole, made a good thing of it, not only recouping himself for his expendi-
ture of gate-money, but also getting something for himself and fourpenee clear
profit, which he spent in a ride on the Dromedary, a sensation that gaye him
' great pleasure, as being the next thing to riding on a Prebendary.
After this he took a cab as far as Kurlitt’s, the well-known hair-dresser, hat-
brushsr, and umbrella-seller, iu Bill Street, whose shop has a back exit into
the Girlington Arcade, through which Mr. Simpler passed after informing one
of the young men that he would look in again to see some back hair-pins, and
1 thence strolled leisurely towards the Park. Here, seeing the row filled with
I equestrians, he sauntered as far as a neighbouring livery stable in Mount Street,
and having hired a neat cob for a couple of hours, he joined the gay throng
and at the expiration of an hour and half he rode out of the Park and dismounted
before the portico of a princely mansion opposite the Buswater corner of Ken-
sington Gardens.
I Here a ragged individual, fancying that he had overheard the Master of
Deedler’s lamenting the absence of bis groom, proffered
bis services in taking the horse home.
Mr. Simpler confided the animal to bis care, writing
on one side of one of bis blank cards the address of the
livery stable in Mount Street, and on the other ‘1 Returned
with thanks. Please give bearer something for himself,”
further instructing the man that should he not be re-
warded for his trouble, he must come back, knock at the
door at which be was then standing, and the butler would
then settle with him as he at the present moment had. no
change. The man touched his cap to Mr. Simpler, and
when he and the horse were quite out of sight, the worthy
Bedell rang the bell, but on being informed, that “Mr.
Ferguson,” for whom he had inquired, “did not lodge
there,” he apologised for his mistake, and having hailed
a cab, he bargained with the driver to take him three
miles for a shilling.
On arriving at. the Description Hall, Pickadowndilly,
he stopped the driver and pretended that it was against
his conscience to go any farther; whereupon the driver
asked him for money which the Bedell flatly refused to
pay him. ^The Cabman insisted on driving him to the
Attorney-General’s chambers, as Sir Isaac Allpheeze
was known to be favourable to all growlers with a
grievance, and his opinion, invariably accepted as final,
should be paid for by the loser; to which unexpected
suggestion the Master of Deedler’s acceded conditionally
on the driver’3 promising to wait and bring him back
to the Description Hall free of charge.
Sir Isaac Allpheeze was in; in fact, as his clerk said,
with regard to opinions he was never known to he out;
if ever he did happen to be out in his opinion, it was
only when he was not at home in a case. At the present
moment, however, he was engaged on the Great Stair
ease in Westminster Hall, and he would run round and
fetch him immediately. The clerk was as good and
better than bis word, as in less than five minutes they
were ushered into the innermost room which, hung round
as it was with legal instruments, and ornamented with
habeas corpnses stuffed, and framed illustrations of legal
fictions, produced a considerable effect on the Cabman’s
mind.
Sir Isaac, who, in bis full Attorney-General’s uniform,
wig, cocked-bat, robes, Jack-boots, spurs, sabretach®,
and. sword, was standing on the hearth-rug, appeared
delighted at seeing the Master of Deedler’s, and at once
wrote his decision, to the effect that in the case of Cab-
man v. Simpler (Clerk in Orders), ‘ ‘ the Plaintiff had no
claim against Defendant, inasmuch as the former had
agreed to an essentially illegal contract; a shilling, and
nothing less, being the only legal tender for any distance
of two miles and under.”
For this decision, the Plaintiff had to pay immediately
the sum of one guinea, Sir Isaac being specially retained,
or a warrant of distress would he then and there issued,
and five shillings more to Defendant to stay further
proceedings as to the second illegal contract into
which the Cabman had entered to take him back to the
Description Hall gratis.
The Cabman having settled the above charges, with
tears in his eyes, thanked Sir Isaac, and withdrew, leav-
ing the worthy Attorney and the Master of Deedler’s in
consultation on far more serious matters thau a mere
Cabman.
Sir Isaac is along, lank, thin man—so long and so thin,
that the proverbial longest day could not be enough for
him to stand up in, and he must have an entire long
Vacation all to himself to lie down in. He was long alto-
gether ; he had been long out of office; he had been long
in office; he was long-winded, long-sighted, long-suffer-
ing, and of long standing in his profession ; he was long
in getting whatever he longed for, but he was a man
who could go any lengths to get it. When at the
University he showed a taste for Latin poetry, but they
were all hexameters, all “longs.” If be ever dined away
from home, my readers can imagine to wbat hotel in
Bond Street be gave the preference ; and when be took
a long holiday abroad, it was Toolong where be always
stayed. He was bound to live long; to be long a-dying,
like the Merry Monarch; and to be long remembered
after bis death, when bis long life will be published by
Longman & Co.
“The question is-” began Mr. Simpler, when Sir
Isaac interrupted him.
“ I know wbat the question is, what you don’t know is
the answer.”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[July 10, 1880.
THE BEADLE!
OR,
THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJE3TES.
BY
ANTHONY DOLLOP.
Author of “The Chronicles of Barsellshire,” “ Beerjester Brewers,” “ The Half-
way'House at Aleinton,” “ Thorley Farm for Cattle,” “ Family Parsonage,"
“The Prying Minister,” “Pearls Before Swine; or, Who Used Mis
Diamonds f ” Pub the Hair,” “ The Way We Dye Now,” “Fishy Fin,”
‘ ‘ Fishy as Wildux,” “Dr. Thorne and David James,” “ Star and Garter,
Richmond,” “Rachel Hooray!” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” “ The Bertrams
and Roberts,” “Lady Pye-Anna,” “Tails of All Creatures,” “’Arry
’Otspur,” “Mary Greasily,” “ Vicar of Pullbaker,” “McDermott of
Balladsingerun,” “Can't You Forget Her?” “He Knew He Could
Writs,” |-c., 8fc.
CHAPTER YL
Two Dazed in Town.
ttrino the scene re-
corded in the previous
chapter Mr. Simples
had quietly sneaked—
sneaked, I regret to
say, is the. word—up
to town, with several
cards in his pocket, on
which he. had taken
care to inscribe, by
way of introducing
himself everywhere as
a public character,
“ Rev. S. Simpler,
Bedell of Small -
Beer jester, C o -
Despondent in the case
of Bounce v. the Card-
sharpers of Beerjester
and Others, ” his ob-
ject in writing
“Despondent” being
to excite the sympathy
of Sir Isaac Allpheeze, and obtain from him a private opinion gratis, which
would at once decide his movements with regard to John Bounce on the one
hand, and the Bishop and Archbeacon on the other.
Mr. Simon Simpler, Beadle of Small-Beerjester, who, as my readers may
not need to he reminded, is also Percenter and Precentor, and therefore a
Reverend in his own rite, found himself in London at his own expense.
Being in want of rooms in the Metropolis, he took up Chambers's Journal,
and having made his selection from a good number of Chambers, he drove
at once to the Clargey’s Hotel., in Clargey’s Street, Pickadowndilly, where
the head-waiter at once recognised the Master of Deedler’s Trust as a patron,
brought him a sherry and bitters and a biscuit, a telegram with latest betting
at Newmarket, and then retired to order his room.
The Reverend Beadle’s, or Bedell’s, as he preferred to call himself in London,
first visit was to the Angel at Islington, where he was welcomed by the angelic
| hostess and provided with an excellent dinner. After this, it being too early to
1 call on Sir Isaac, be strolled to Sadler’s 'Wells, drank the invigorating waters
; w’hick still retain a strong taste of leather about them, and then bethought him
that a more unprofitable hour might he passed elsewhere than at the Zoological
Cardens, to which place of recreation and animal spirits he forthwith bent his
I steps. Here he showed three of his cards at the entrance, but, as the Gate-
keeper is always the sharpest of all the Keepers at the.Zoological, who are all
well up in games of fonr-feet, he was unable to induce him to name the wrong
| one, so paid his money and went in.
Meeting some children with pennies in their hands, he took them to a refresh-
ment stall and bought some beautiful stale penny buns at half-price, which he
! let the children have at three for twopence or four for threepence, and so, on
the whole, made a good thing of it, not only recouping himself for his expendi-
ture of gate-money, but also getting something for himself and fourpenee clear
profit, which he spent in a ride on the Dromedary, a sensation that gaye him
' great pleasure, as being the next thing to riding on a Prebendary.
After this he took a cab as far as Kurlitt’s, the well-known hair-dresser, hat-
brushsr, and umbrella-seller, iu Bill Street, whose shop has a back exit into
the Girlington Arcade, through which Mr. Simpler passed after informing one
of the young men that he would look in again to see some back hair-pins, and
1 thence strolled leisurely towards the Park. Here, seeing the row filled with
I equestrians, he sauntered as far as a neighbouring livery stable in Mount Street,
and having hired a neat cob for a couple of hours, he joined the gay throng
and at the expiration of an hour and half he rode out of the Park and dismounted
before the portico of a princely mansion opposite the Buswater corner of Ken-
sington Gardens.
I Here a ragged individual, fancying that he had overheard the Master of
Deedler’s lamenting the absence of bis groom, proffered
bis services in taking the horse home.
Mr. Simpler confided the animal to bis care, writing
on one side of one of bis blank cards the address of the
livery stable in Mount Street, and on the other ‘1 Returned
with thanks. Please give bearer something for himself,”
further instructing the man that should he not be re-
warded for his trouble, he must come back, knock at the
door at which be was then standing, and the butler would
then settle with him as he at the present moment had. no
change. The man touched his cap to Mr. Simpler, and
when he and the horse were quite out of sight, the worthy
Bedell rang the bell, but on being informed, that “Mr.
Ferguson,” for whom he had inquired, “did not lodge
there,” he apologised for his mistake, and having hailed
a cab, he bargained with the driver to take him three
miles for a shilling.
On arriving at. the Description Hall, Pickadowndilly,
he stopped the driver and pretended that it was against
his conscience to go any farther; whereupon the driver
asked him for money which the Bedell flatly refused to
pay him. ^The Cabman insisted on driving him to the
Attorney-General’s chambers, as Sir Isaac Allpheeze
was known to be favourable to all growlers with a
grievance, and his opinion, invariably accepted as final,
should be paid for by the loser; to which unexpected
suggestion the Master of Deedler’s acceded conditionally
on the driver’3 promising to wait and bring him back
to the Description Hall free of charge.
Sir Isaac Allpheeze was in; in fact, as his clerk said,
with regard to opinions he was never known to he out;
if ever he did happen to be out in his opinion, it was
only when he was not at home in a case. At the present
moment, however, he was engaged on the Great Stair
ease in Westminster Hall, and he would run round and
fetch him immediately. The clerk was as good and
better than bis word, as in less than five minutes they
were ushered into the innermost room which, hung round
as it was with legal instruments, and ornamented with
habeas corpnses stuffed, and framed illustrations of legal
fictions, produced a considerable effect on the Cabman’s
mind.
Sir Isaac, who, in bis full Attorney-General’s uniform,
wig, cocked-bat, robes, Jack-boots, spurs, sabretach®,
and. sword, was standing on the hearth-rug, appeared
delighted at seeing the Master of Deedler’s, and at once
wrote his decision, to the effect that in the case of Cab-
man v. Simpler (Clerk in Orders), ‘ ‘ the Plaintiff had no
claim against Defendant, inasmuch as the former had
agreed to an essentially illegal contract; a shilling, and
nothing less, being the only legal tender for any distance
of two miles and under.”
For this decision, the Plaintiff had to pay immediately
the sum of one guinea, Sir Isaac being specially retained,
or a warrant of distress would he then and there issued,
and five shillings more to Defendant to stay further
proceedings as to the second illegal contract into
which the Cabman had entered to take him back to the
Description Hall gratis.
The Cabman having settled the above charges, with
tears in his eyes, thanked Sir Isaac, and withdrew, leav-
ing the worthy Attorney and the Master of Deedler’s in
consultation on far more serious matters thau a mere
Cabman.
Sir Isaac is along, lank, thin man—so long and so thin,
that the proverbial longest day could not be enough for
him to stand up in, and he must have an entire long
Vacation all to himself to lie down in. He was long alto-
gether ; he had been long out of office; he had been long
in office; he was long-winded, long-sighted, long-suffer-
ing, and of long standing in his profession ; he was long
in getting whatever he longed for, but he was a man
who could go any lengths to get it. When at the
University he showed a taste for Latin poetry, but they
were all hexameters, all “longs.” If be ever dined away
from home, my readers can imagine to wbat hotel in
Bond Street be gave the preference ; and when be took
a long holiday abroad, it was Toolong where be always
stayed. He was bound to live long; to be long a-dying,
like the Merry Monarch; and to be long remembered
after bis death, when bis long life will be published by
Longman & Co.
“The question is-” began Mr. Simpler, when Sir
Isaac interrupted him.
“ I know wbat the question is, what you don’t know is
the answer.”