Punch (79.1880)

October 23, 1880.]

189

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

OUR OWN CITY COMMISSION.

Exciting Scene in Court! Examination of a Sheriff ! !

Our Commissioner. You. are, I believe, a Sheriff of London ?

Sheriff. I am a whole Sheriff of London, and half a Sheriff for Middlesex.

Our Commissioner. Good gracious me, how’s that?

Sheriff. I must request you to ask my Under-Sheriff; he is a lawyer, and
bears me harmless, and answers all bothering questions, and takes all my fees,
and keeps ’em for his trouble.

Our Commissioner. Are your fees of large amount ?

Sheriff. Somewhere about a “ thou” more or less—but I’m not quite clear on
the subject, and I don’t believe any Sheriff ever is.

Our Commissioner. Have you any salary ?

Sheriff. Yes, the Corporation allows me about £300 a year, some of the items
being rather curious. For instance, the Common Council in the time of Philip
and Mary kindly granted the Sheriffs of that day 20s. each, which amount we
still receive. In 1577 they granted for Wax, Herrings, and Sturgeon, £5 6s. 8d.
I don’t use wax myself, and I don’t like herrings or sturgeon, but I receive my
half of the £5 6s. 8d.

Our Commissioner. What strange items! Anything further of a curious
kind ?

Sheriff. Yes, I am also kindly presented with some very handsome Fire
Buckets, which, I believe, are intended to enable me to extinguish any fire that
might be accidentally caused, shortly after my return home from one of the
many sumptuous repasts I have to attend officially.

Our Commissioner. What paternal care the City Fathers seem to display
towards you. Anything further ?

Sheriff. Yes; they allow me Nine Pounds to pay the tolls on London
Bridge, but as there is no toll on London Bridge now, 1-

Our Commissioner. Yes, quite so. Yery natural. Anything further ?

Sheriff. Well, I wear a peculiar costume—which I think rather becoming,—
and I have to swallow a great deal of green fat with my turtle. 1 ride in a
carriage of resplendent beauty. I am waited on by domestics arrayed more
gorgeously than those of Royalty itself. I am allowed to address the House of
Commons from the Bar of the House. I go to Court, attend State Balls and
Concerts, and have always before me the possibility of a Knighthood.

Our Commissioner. Pray what are your principal duties ?

Sheriff. Dining, Flogging, and Hanging.

Our Commissioner. Will you describe them more in detail ?

Sheriff. Certainly. Whenever and wherever the Lord Mayor dines, there I

dine; wherever t’—
repeat, with a di -
like shadows, so —
Corporation life. E ”
return into the i ~
man. ~

Our Commisi— ^
retire, Mr. Sheri E_T

11_T__


indubitably coni:
1. The Wate:
intelligence can:
humour the Dir;
possible to be at;
spot whence an:
barriers, bridge:
model, moreove:;
Wilderness. TB
natives (or porti:
platform five mi:
have scattered B
judiciously plae :
ment-rooms, so :
on the savoury :
added, generous:
The careful exp:
Western in ode;

o

0

o6

rally apprecial:
expanses of ti:

t o

ord Mayor says, I
ow. “ We come
lliant sunshine of
iths, and I then
ser and a better

ive. You may

3 ” railway, both
-the Nine-Elms
s Company may
okers of the age.
Her by them will

iger of ordinary
ire. With rare
. that it is quite
| Is away from the
vised medley of
I ton Court Maze
in the Waterloo
| litiate one of the
termine the right
. :ity the Directors

I’esting-places are
with the refresh-
.self economically
y, and, it may be
ilway Companies,
mdon and South-
>y those who are
■. Terminus meet in

e Waterloo wags,

I at Epsom, Ascot,
ke, the fun is fast
i hours of arrival
furthermore, the
)ages at not gene-
views over wild
f ploughed fields

interspersed with telegraph poles and unfinished man-
sions of the lower order. In addition to these jests,
ordinary fares _ between the Metropolis and the place
where the equine or aquatic sports are being held are
abolished for the time being—not to the traveller’s ad-
vantage, nor with his consent. Lastly, a splendid Com-
munism is very often established, especially during the
Ascot and Derby weeks. On these occasions any well-
organised^ band of roughs can eject a party of Ladies
from a first-class carriage, and establish themselves
without the unnecessary ticket, for the South-Western
Directors and their merry employes humorously treat
such scenes as the fortune of uncivil war.

3. It is evident that the Directors must be great rabbit-
fanciers, for the number of hutches scattered over their
“System” is enormous. It is only by experience that
the traveller can appreciate the irrepressible propensities
of the South-Western Company when he finds out that
these hutches are not for rabbits, but for human beings,
and that they are technically known as ‘ ‘ Country Sta-
tions.” Most of them are adorned with texts, but every
one has a pigeon-hole for the reception of the customary
tribute. A long wait in any of the South-Western
hutches is one of the most excruciating jests which anj
Company of Practical Jokers could practise. However,
Christmas is coming, so Clowns in want of a few comic
scenes would do well to visit this rare field of Waterloo.

THE BREWERS AT ISLINGTON.

A Brewers’ Exhibition, one would think,

Should be a show peculiar to the Trade,

Chiefly of every sort and kind of drink
From malt and hops through fermentation made;
Beer under all its forms, of local fame,

Or popular by individual name.

Burton and Kennet, Welsh and Scottish ales ;

Barclay and Perkins’s Entire—the best
Which they and firms whom space to mention fails
Brew likewise—Truman, Hanbury, and the rest,
Merchants of porter, heavy wet and stout,

Aloft the sky whose tavern-legends flout:

Materials used in brewing too; those twain
In making genuine beer employed alone.

None of your shams; no produce of the cane,

No quassia, by true British Brewers shown.

No drugs ; nought save the ingredients of pure beer,
Sound, unadulterated, and sincere.

Models and plans of “ Plant” you might expect,

In order, to behold disposed or hung ;

Boilers, and vats, and tuns withal, select
Utensils ; barrel, tub, and tap, and bung.

And ah, ’midst all that good old-fashioned gear,

The modern beer-engine that mars good beer !

And carved or moulded forms of Brewers’ men,

Types of the Drayman famed in comic song,

And those big Brewers, to the Upper Ten
Thousand, as Brewer Princes, that belong ;

The legislative Brewers, who represent
Beer’s interests in Britannia’s Parliament.

But who, at any Brewers’ Exhibition,

Could ever have expected to appear
All manner of beverages in competition,

As non-intoxicants, with Brewers’ beer,

Such as of late may have been viewed, on call,

In Islington, at Agriculture’s Hall ?

Can Brewers have taken Temperance Drinks to brew,
Meeting the times, to suit the taste of such
Good folk as those malt liquor that eschew,

And, in their cups, can’t take a drop too much ?

As well as beer, do breweries now supply
The draughts that not inebriate, for the dry ?

Or do the Men of Beer design to show
How little they the opposition dread
Of mineral waters, lemonade, and so
Forth, to the potions that excite the head ;

And do they back beer still to hold its own
’Gainst mimic fizz, and pop and zoedone ?

A “ Relieving Officer.”—General Roberts.

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