DOI issue:
July 24, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17764#0037
July 24, 1880.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
29
Such, is the clergyman whom Mrs. Dowdie has introduced into
Small-Beerjester as her husband’s Domestic Chaplain ; he is neither
a Cherub, nor a Demon ; for to the former a stall-seat in the Cathe-
dral would have been of no practical value ; and as the latter he
would have been sadly inconvenienced to find a suitable place for his
tail, which would have caused a considerable coil among the clergy
generally.
Mrs. Dowdie has heard all about John Bounce’s proceedings, and
has determined to place her favourite in Mr. Simony Simpler’s place,
whenever that Gentleman shall be forced to resign, an event which,
as we have seen, is not likely to happen quite so soon as the Bishop’s
wife had expected. Mrs. Dowdie has at present no idea that the
Reverend Matthew Mattix has cast a loving eye on Morleena, and
Mrs. 0 yerwaxte is for once wrong in her surmise that Canon Mattix
has been recommended for the vacant place in her sister’s affections
by the Bishop and Mrs. Dowhdie, whose mutual enemy the Arch-
beacon’s wife is by nature and position. Each Lady wishes to get
the whole ecclesiastical power of Small-Beerjester into her own hands,
and the Bishop and Archbeacon are only their puppets. Mrs. Over-
wayte has managed to dispose of John Bounce, and she is now
looking forward to rendering useless all Mrs. Dowdie’s efforts at
supplanting her father on the Mastership of Deedler’s Trust. More'
over she is determined to defeat whatever matrimonial designs Mr.
Mattix may have on her sister Morleena, and as he is opposed to
the Archbeacon’s interests generally, she will not rest until she has
driven him out of the Small-Beerjester Diocese, and with him, if
possible, the entire Dowdie party ; and it is not improbable that the
excellent Lady may have ambitious dreams of her bosom’s Lord being
seated heavily on the Episcopal throne. Be this as it may, Mrs.
Oyerwayte contents herself at present with frustrating Canon
Mattix’s designs on Morleena, and on the Mastership of Deed-
ler’s.
“ He is a great gun, no doubt,” she has said to the Archbeacon, in
one of those nocturnal episodes at the Archbeaconry, whereof we
have been so frequently the unsuspected witnesses. “ He is a great
gun, no doubt; but for all that, Archbeacon, I’ll spike the Canon.”
“But, my dear, the Archbeacon ventured to suggest, “suppose
Morleena falls in love with him.”
“Fall in fiddlesticks, you Arch-Noodle!” retorted his Lady.
“ My father will resign his office of Percentor, and we must have
somebody ready in the Archbeaconry to fill the vacancy, and to
marry Morleena. Then when the Canon is spiked, our candidate
can step into his shoes, and if you’re only half awake——.”
“I am, my dear,” said the Archbeacon, taking a vigorous pull at
his night-cap that stood hot by the bedside.
“ You may step into the Bishop’s shoes and gaiters.”
“But my itty tiddy-pop,” began the ....rchbeacon, cajolingly,
“who is the man we’re to have here ready for thePercentorship and
Mqrleena’s hand ? ”
“ Who! ” exclaimed his spouse, giving so startling a back-legger
as nearly sent the Archbeacon flying on to the floor. “ Who! why
you Arch-idiot,” she was never more familiar than thi3 in addressing
her husband., “ your old friend Mr. Arable.”
“The very man!” exclaimed the Archbeacon, “I’ll write to
him to-morrow. I ’ll write about-.”
“ You’ll right-about face now,” interrupted his spouse, turning
away, “ and don’t bother me any more.”
“Hong s wore” murmured the Archbeacon. And then the'worthy
couple gradually sank off to sleep, performing in their slumbers a
duett from Nosey en JEgitto, performing triumphant marches on their
two organs in anticipation of the glorious victory over the Dowdie
party, and the ultimate spiking of the objectionable Canon.
And who is Mr. Arable ! Ladies he is far too important a person
to be introduced at the tail of a chapter, or at the end of any chapter
of a tale.
A Double Saint’s Day.
On Wednesday last came off thefete of the French Republic. On
the day following, the Legitimists celebrated that of their Chief, the
Count de Chahbord—the festival of his Patron Saint, the Fifteenth
of July._ That, in their Calendar, is St. Henri’s Day; but since
a. Saint is a Saint all the world over, Henri Cinq, as they call
him, may rejoice under the tutelage of another Saint also besides
St. Henri—the guardianship of two Patron Saints, SS. Henri and
Swithin; and in particular enjoy the advantage of invoking the
latter to send him a long reign.
Wanted, a Settlement.
If Bend Or they can prove a “ crook,”
As Holker says they ’re able,
’Tis clear that, spite a stable book,
Engagements will begin to look
Uncommonly un-stable!
A THREATENED INFLICTION.
The statement made by Lord Enfield, in the House of Lords, as
to the. course to be followed in taking the Census of 1881 has relieved
the minds of numbers of people of a great load of anxiety. Alarm-
ing rumours of the questions that would be put, and the answers
that would have to be returned, in the Census forms, under the
heaviest penalties, were disturbing the equilibrium of everybody
everywhere. Some excited householders went so far as to say that
the Census was only meant to incense us, and to denounce it as in-
quisitorial and vexatious, an intolerable interference with the liberty
of Britons, certain to arouse angry feelings in the breasts of thou-
sands of harmless Heads of Families, and to sow discord between
Churchmen and Nonconformists, total abstainers and tipplers, allo-
paths and homoeopaths, and all the other respectable but differently
thinking sections of the community.
Happily, all these apprehensions have proved to be groundless.
We know now that the Census paper of 1881 will be well nigh as
simple and harmless as that of 1871, and we can therefore review,
with a quiet mind, some of the traps and pitfalls which rumour
insisted Heads of Families would find lurking in the document to
be left with them, on a certain day next April, by the Enumerators.
The most disquieting report was that the statement of age would
have to be supported by affidavit, or, in the case of Moravians,
Quakers, and Separatists, by a statutable declaration. Cautious
ladies (likewise gentlemen) trembled to think that their hour had
come at last, and meditated emigrating, between now and April,
1881, to some happy innocent country where statistics and Censuses
are alike unknown.
Many quiet families did not relish the idea of having to disclose
the average weekly consumption of wine, beer, and spirits on the
premises. Smokers puffed at the notion of being compelled to
render a return of their expenditure on tobacco, distinguishing
between pipes, cigars, and cigarettes.
Another threatened question was whether the family were allopath
or homoeopath, or “Peculiar People,” faithless in all doctors, and
following a path of their own.
But far worse than this was a terrible whisper that all unmarried
females would be called upon to declare, without reservation, whether
their affections were engaged ; and to satisfy the Enumerators that
in taking country walks with a male companion, corresponding,
exchanging presents, &c., they were acting with full parental
consent.
Domestic animals, it was reported, were to be included in the
return. A harmless requirement, but it was foreseen that nice ques-
tions, difficult of adjustment, would arise—for example, whether
the Cat actually slept on the premises on the night of the enumeration.
A demand for a declaration of political opinions would, it was
contended, if persisted in, light the torch of Revolution throughout
the land.
About one hundred and fifty religious sects and parties fully
expected to be harassed with prying and trying questions.
Lastly, prostrate bewilderment was the condition of the perplexed
Head of the Family, on hearing that he would have to find out and
record the opinion of every adult member of his household on tho
following debated questions—Vivisection, the use of Stimulants,
Athletics, Ritualism, Tobacco, Turkey, Vegetarianism, and the
orthography of Shakespeare’s name. The Head was not made
more comfortable by being told that he might have to add the names
of the favourite Authors, Actors, Painters, Poets, and Preachers, of
all under his roof.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
29
Such, is the clergyman whom Mrs. Dowdie has introduced into
Small-Beerjester as her husband’s Domestic Chaplain ; he is neither
a Cherub, nor a Demon ; for to the former a stall-seat in the Cathe-
dral would have been of no practical value ; and as the latter he
would have been sadly inconvenienced to find a suitable place for his
tail, which would have caused a considerable coil among the clergy
generally.
Mrs. Dowdie has heard all about John Bounce’s proceedings, and
has determined to place her favourite in Mr. Simony Simpler’s place,
whenever that Gentleman shall be forced to resign, an event which,
as we have seen, is not likely to happen quite so soon as the Bishop’s
wife had expected. Mrs. Dowdie has at present no idea that the
Reverend Matthew Mattix has cast a loving eye on Morleena, and
Mrs. 0 yerwaxte is for once wrong in her surmise that Canon Mattix
has been recommended for the vacant place in her sister’s affections
by the Bishop and Mrs. Dowhdie, whose mutual enemy the Arch-
beacon’s wife is by nature and position. Each Lady wishes to get
the whole ecclesiastical power of Small-Beerjester into her own hands,
and the Bishop and Archbeacon are only their puppets. Mrs. Over-
wayte has managed to dispose of John Bounce, and she is now
looking forward to rendering useless all Mrs. Dowdie’s efforts at
supplanting her father on the Mastership of Deedler’s Trust. More'
over she is determined to defeat whatever matrimonial designs Mr.
Mattix may have on her sister Morleena, and as he is opposed to
the Archbeacon’s interests generally, she will not rest until she has
driven him out of the Small-Beerjester Diocese, and with him, if
possible, the entire Dowdie party ; and it is not improbable that the
excellent Lady may have ambitious dreams of her bosom’s Lord being
seated heavily on the Episcopal throne. Be this as it may, Mrs.
Oyerwayte contents herself at present with frustrating Canon
Mattix’s designs on Morleena, and on the Mastership of Deed-
ler’s.
“ He is a great gun, no doubt,” she has said to the Archbeacon, in
one of those nocturnal episodes at the Archbeaconry, whereof we
have been so frequently the unsuspected witnesses. “ He is a great
gun, no doubt; but for all that, Archbeacon, I’ll spike the Canon.”
“But, my dear, the Archbeacon ventured to suggest, “suppose
Morleena falls in love with him.”
“Fall in fiddlesticks, you Arch-Noodle!” retorted his Lady.
“ My father will resign his office of Percentor, and we must have
somebody ready in the Archbeaconry to fill the vacancy, and to
marry Morleena. Then when the Canon is spiked, our candidate
can step into his shoes, and if you’re only half awake——.”
“I am, my dear,” said the Archbeacon, taking a vigorous pull at
his night-cap that stood hot by the bedside.
“ You may step into the Bishop’s shoes and gaiters.”
“But my itty tiddy-pop,” began the ....rchbeacon, cajolingly,
“who is the man we’re to have here ready for thePercentorship and
Mqrleena’s hand ? ”
“ Who! ” exclaimed his spouse, giving so startling a back-legger
as nearly sent the Archbeacon flying on to the floor. “ Who! why
you Arch-idiot,” she was never more familiar than thi3 in addressing
her husband., “ your old friend Mr. Arable.”
“The very man!” exclaimed the Archbeacon, “I’ll write to
him to-morrow. I ’ll write about-.”
“ You’ll right-about face now,” interrupted his spouse, turning
away, “ and don’t bother me any more.”
“Hong s wore” murmured the Archbeacon. And then the'worthy
couple gradually sank off to sleep, performing in their slumbers a
duett from Nosey en JEgitto, performing triumphant marches on their
two organs in anticipation of the glorious victory over the Dowdie
party, and the ultimate spiking of the objectionable Canon.
And who is Mr. Arable ! Ladies he is far too important a person
to be introduced at the tail of a chapter, or at the end of any chapter
of a tale.
A Double Saint’s Day.
On Wednesday last came off thefete of the French Republic. On
the day following, the Legitimists celebrated that of their Chief, the
Count de Chahbord—the festival of his Patron Saint, the Fifteenth
of July._ That, in their Calendar, is St. Henri’s Day; but since
a. Saint is a Saint all the world over, Henri Cinq, as they call
him, may rejoice under the tutelage of another Saint also besides
St. Henri—the guardianship of two Patron Saints, SS. Henri and
Swithin; and in particular enjoy the advantage of invoking the
latter to send him a long reign.
Wanted, a Settlement.
If Bend Or they can prove a “ crook,”
As Holker says they ’re able,
’Tis clear that, spite a stable book,
Engagements will begin to look
Uncommonly un-stable!
A THREATENED INFLICTION.
The statement made by Lord Enfield, in the House of Lords, as
to the. course to be followed in taking the Census of 1881 has relieved
the minds of numbers of people of a great load of anxiety. Alarm-
ing rumours of the questions that would be put, and the answers
that would have to be returned, in the Census forms, under the
heaviest penalties, were disturbing the equilibrium of everybody
everywhere. Some excited householders went so far as to say that
the Census was only meant to incense us, and to denounce it as in-
quisitorial and vexatious, an intolerable interference with the liberty
of Britons, certain to arouse angry feelings in the breasts of thou-
sands of harmless Heads of Families, and to sow discord between
Churchmen and Nonconformists, total abstainers and tipplers, allo-
paths and homoeopaths, and all the other respectable but differently
thinking sections of the community.
Happily, all these apprehensions have proved to be groundless.
We know now that the Census paper of 1881 will be well nigh as
simple and harmless as that of 1871, and we can therefore review,
with a quiet mind, some of the traps and pitfalls which rumour
insisted Heads of Families would find lurking in the document to
be left with them, on a certain day next April, by the Enumerators.
The most disquieting report was that the statement of age would
have to be supported by affidavit, or, in the case of Moravians,
Quakers, and Separatists, by a statutable declaration. Cautious
ladies (likewise gentlemen) trembled to think that their hour had
come at last, and meditated emigrating, between now and April,
1881, to some happy innocent country where statistics and Censuses
are alike unknown.
Many quiet families did not relish the idea of having to disclose
the average weekly consumption of wine, beer, and spirits on the
premises. Smokers puffed at the notion of being compelled to
render a return of their expenditure on tobacco, distinguishing
between pipes, cigars, and cigarettes.
Another threatened question was whether the family were allopath
or homoeopath, or “Peculiar People,” faithless in all doctors, and
following a path of their own.
But far worse than this was a terrible whisper that all unmarried
females would be called upon to declare, without reservation, whether
their affections were engaged ; and to satisfy the Enumerators that
in taking country walks with a male companion, corresponding,
exchanging presents, &c., they were acting with full parental
consent.
Domestic animals, it was reported, were to be included in the
return. A harmless requirement, but it was foreseen that nice ques-
tions, difficult of adjustment, would arise—for example, whether
the Cat actually slept on the premises on the night of the enumeration.
A demand for a declaration of political opinions would, it was
contended, if persisted in, light the torch of Revolution throughout
the land.
About one hundred and fifty religious sects and parties fully
expected to be harassed with prying and trying questions.
Lastly, prostrate bewilderment was the condition of the perplexed
Head of the Family, on hearing that he would have to find out and
record the opinion of every adult member of his household on tho
following debated questions—Vivisection, the use of Stimulants,
Athletics, Ritualism, Tobacco, Turkey, Vegetarianism, and the
orthography of Shakespeare’s name. The Head was not made
more comfortable by being told that he might have to add the names
of the favourite Authors, Actors, Painters, Poets, and Preachers, of
all under his roof.