Punch (79.1880)

September 11, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

119

have to spare ” ? Post-cards to everybody
at Midlothian, asking the question.

Saturday.—Feel very strong. Try to cut
cut down mainmast with axe. Stopped by
Captain, who says, will interfere with navi-
gation of ship.

Propose to Captain to let Grantully Castle
sail off to Constantinople, to form part of
Naval Demonstration. He says, “ No
powder on board.” I reply, “Don’t want
powder. Sultan never spoken to in firm
manner that he hasn’t at once yielded,”
&c. (Quotation from Midlothian speech.)
Captain says, would be happy, but Tory
man-at-wheel would never consent to steer
for Constantinople to coerce Sultan. I
offer to steer myself, also to reef or set sails
when required, to swab decks, attend to
boiler, light engine-fires, &c. Doctor says,
really must husband strength. Why
“husband”?

Sunday.—Off Irish Coast. Deputation
and Address from distressed landlords,
also from distressed tenants. Ship fired
at by Fenians. Is this gratitude ? Retire
to cabin, and think about Irish Land Bill.
Telegram from Hartin&ton “ Hope you
are husbanding strength. When may we
dissolve ? ” Telegraph back “ Why dis-
solve ? Gfo on to October.” Send off post-
card to Czar, another to Sultan, and five
others to persons asking for my autograph,
my opinion on the best sort of nibs foi
pens, and my views on Phrenology. Note.—
Can Cocoa nibs be utilised for writing
purposes ? Look up subject for pamphlet.

Greenock, Monday. — Deputation from
Liberal Association, with a Scotch Baillie
at their head. Thank goodness! Have
succeeded in making a speech at last—
Doctor fortunately being engaged below—
feel like Dr. Tanner did after his fast.
Deputation “ hoped I wouldn’t work so
hard.” I said I wouldn’t.

N.B. — Despatches to Ripon — mustn’t
pest this in Scotland, however — Ameer,
Bismarck, &c., &c. Go on with Life oj
Lord B-d. Write twenty-seven post-

cards, and three magazine articles. Doctor
says must reaUy husband energies. I will.

Oban, Tuesday.—Ship going at “dead
slow,” because of crowds of boats, with
wild fishermen on board. They want to
see me, they say. When they see me, they
cheer. Touching. Involves my standing
on bridge all day. Go below, and shake
hands with fishermen through port-hole.
Read Shelley’s Hellas, and determine to
annex all Thessaly to Greece. Practise a
hornpipe before turning in. Doctor says
husband energies, &c. Why “husband”?
I will.

[Jumps on shore, and trains up to
Downing Street in time for Cabi-
net Council.

A Puzzler.

We cull this from the Western Morning
News of Aug. 31

WANTED, a steady, respectable Youth,
as JUNIOR CLERK in the Nursery.—
Apply, &c.

A very Junior Clerk he must be. _ About
four years old, perhaps. But what, if older,
is he wanted for ? To act as under nursery-
maid. and with some knowledge of arith-
metic, to set down two and carry one?
Han’t make it out.

THE BUN INCIDENT.

B v drawing the attention of the House
to Mr. Sullivan’s Buns, Mr. Labouchere
treated him to an additional Puff.

GAUL AND ALBION,

Tom? “ Ask them to come and play Cricket with us, Effie.”

Ejfie. “ Voulez-vous venir jouer Cricket avec nous ? ”

Alphonse. “No, sank you, Meess ! My Parents say it is no genteel for ze leetle
Meesses to play ze Cricket ! Ye vill play ze Skiitinrope if you vill, or ze Shuttle-
lore AND ZE BatTLECOCK ! ”

SPOUTING INTELLIGENCE.

Put every halfpenny you have, on Robert the Devil. Mind—Robert for the Leger!
Not Robert the excellent waiter who contributes to your paper, but Robert the winner.
He won’t make a waiting race of it you’ll see.

Private and Confidential. House of Co-*

And now, my dear Sir, a word, in justice to myself. I was silent last week. This
needs no excuse, as you know niy hints on sporting matters are only to be occasional. But
1 know that quite a different interpretation has been placed upon my absence from your
columns. I am perfectly well aware that the following story is “ going the rounds.”

I am accused (in spite of my well-known dislike to unnecessary writing) of having forged
the name of the widow of my uncle to a bill of exchange for a considerable sum I Having
done this, it is actuaUy asserted that I discounted the document at a sacrifice of eighty
per cent.—thus realising only a fifth of the marketable value of the security ! This unbusiness-
like conduct (it is so. like me to be unbusiness-like!) it is pretended was followed by a whole-
sale seizure and realisation of some Stocks I happened to be holding in trust for two little
orphans of tender years. They say this of me when they know that I perfectly doat upon
children, and am always playing with them! It is further reported that after holding the
plate at a church-door, I decamped with the proceeds before the.conclusion of the sermon!
I did leave early, but simply because I was carried away by my feelings.

It i3 declared, too, and apparently on most trustworthy authority, that I have managed to
rob a Bank when all the world was slumbering! YYt I am always in bed by eleven, except
when absolutely prevented by some pressing engagement! However, let that pass. I proceed
with the other events in the indictment. The Police pretend to believe (so I have been
told by a Magistrate I met on the Bench the other day) that I, as Treasurer of the Poor
Widows’ Crust of Bread Fund, the Sunday Scholars’ Bank, and other eqnaUy meritorious
institutions, have used the Yoluntary (Ilay a stress upon the word “ Voluntary ”) Contribu-
tions to me in my official character for my own personal maintenance! Is this not really
sad ? How few understand the real meaning of the proverb, “ Charity begins at home ! ”
Why continue the long list of my alleged peccadilloes ? Sir, in the most solemn manner
in the world, with the utmost impressiveness, I declare that the whole story has been
considerably exaggerated ! Yours, The Colonel en retraite.

* Remainder of address illegible. House of Commons or House of Correction ? Much the same, by
the way, when an. Amended Bill comes down from the Lords.—Ed.

NO POLITICAL QUESTION.

Q. Why was Mr. Gladstone during his cruise like an itinerant tinker ?
A. Because he was travelling “ on the mend.”