Punch (79.1880)

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 2, 1880.

PUNCH’S FANCY PQRTRAITS.-No, 1.

“THE HARTINGTONOUR NEW MODERATOR.

‘ ‘ Highly recommended as a delightful medium for diffusing a clear
and gentle light all round, and economising the expenditure of midnight
oil.”

LATEST FROM THE EIlEET.

{Notes from Sir JB. S.'s own private Pocket-Book.)

Gravosa, Sept. 20th.—United European Fleet a-ljing at anchor.
I take supreme command to-day. Proud position! Would be
prouder, if I knew what I am expected to do, or how to do it.
We’re all safe in harbour at present, however Perhaps I ought
to inspirit the various crews by a striking theatrical coup. I ’ll
“ demonstrate.”

Have just done it. The coup didn’t come off quite. I first ordered
Band to play the different national anthems in° turn. They began
with “ Marseillaise.” German Admiral came on board, furious, to
know why I hadn’t begun with the “ Wacht am Rhein." I told him
Band shouldn’t play again, and sent ^ him back pacified. Second
part of coup was, signalling (« la . Nelson) to the other ships—
“ Europe expects every man to do his duty.” French Admiral sig-
nalled back—“ What is my duty? May I telegraph to Paris to
inquire ?” Russian and German Admirals have sent to ask what I
meant, as they use—it seems—a different code of signals. Austrian
Admiral took it for order to—“ Weigh anchor, and sail port,” while
Italian Admiral thought it was—“ Ditto, ditto, and sail starboard.”
Result—Bad collision between Austrian and Italian Ironclads.

Austrian and Italian Admirals have just come on board. Both
accuse each other of causing collision intentionally. I make long
speech of very soothing character. At end, find they neither of
them understand English. Happy Thought.—Demonstrate. I do so.
Admirals much pleased. They’ve retired.

Sept. 23rd. On the way to Dulcigno.—Another dispute between
French and German Admirals. Both come on board, using what I
take to be German and French bad language. Demonstrate again.
Very violent exercise this demonstrating. Result satisfactory.

Happy Thought.—Have settled French and German dispute by

“ OH, WHAT A FALL WAS
THERE!”

Mr. Marcus Fall has written
two interesting and amusing
volumes, called London Town
(Tinsley). We do not say to
Mr. Fall what everyone knows
was said to Dr. Fell, but on the
contrary:—

We do much like you, Marcus Fall,
The reason we can’t tell at all;

But this a certainty we call,

That we do like you, Marcus Fall !

By the way, what a run there
is just now on the name Marcus
—Marcus Stone, Marcus Ward,
Marcus Fall, &c. It’s very at-
tractive, and frequent repetition
seems to suggest that it might
be improved to Re-Mark-us.

“Who Will to Cupar,” &c.

But no one will after reading
this item from the St. Andrews
Citizen:—

“ Cupar. — While the crops were
being cut down last week at Horselaw,
the reapers included the worthy ten-
ants, Mr. and Mrs. Gay, both of whom
are now upwards of eighty years of
age.”

Eighty years! A green old age
truly, and “all flesh is grass,”
but these are scarcely sufficient
reasons for the reapers when
cutting down the crops to include
this excellent couple. Poor dears!
This calls for inquiry at Cupar.

Suggestion to Sir W. Y.
Harcourt.—Site for a Hou^e of
Detention for Juvenile Offenders
—Try Birehington.

Place to Finish Oef a Gouty
Person.—Port-land.

ordering French band to play “ Wacht am Rhein," and German band
to play “ Marseillaise ” till told to stop.

Sept. 2oth. Off Dulcigno.—At last! Wretched little place : not
half as big as Herne Bay. Had greatest difficulty in getting my
happy family so far. Got ’em here now, however. Demonstrate from
the quarter-deck. Three Albanians on. shore, apparently much in-
terested. I have demanded surrender, in name of United Europe.
They reply in Albanian, so can’t make out exactly what they say,
but it sounds something like “ United Europe be blowed ! ” Riza
Pasha encamped on one side of town, five thousand Montenegrins
on other side ; we in the harbour. Why doesn’t Riza Pasha storm
the place ? Says he has orders not to use force. So have we!
Why don’t Montenegrins storm place ? Call them “ the most heroie
race in Europe ”! Pooh! The three Albanians have disappeared.
Demonstrate once, and to bed.

Next Day.—Have again demanded surrender. French Admiral
just come on board. Feels nervous. Is he sea-sick ? He says
“No; but should like to telegraph to Paris.” I ask, “What on
earth about?” He replies, that “he was ordered to steam away
directly offensive operations began, and he isn’t sure .whether Alba-
nians won’t consider the demand to surrender offensive.” Demon-
strate to him that he’s all wrong. He admits it, and calls for the
Steward.

Have just sent deputation to Montenegrins to ask when they are
going to begin. Curiously enough, they have also sent a deputation
asking when we are going to begin. I tell them they are the most
heroic race in Europe, and it’s obviously their business more than
ours.

Still later.—Albanians have begun to fire at us! One shot cer-
tainly was fired! What can they mean ? Are they demonstrating ?
Ask ’em by signal. No answer. Idiots.

Mystery explained. Russian Admiral and crew have been engaged
in making faces at the Albanians over the sides of their ships.
This has irritated Albanians. Query.—Do Russians want another

BISMARCK’S NEW BUSINESS.

The Director-in-Chief of the
‘ ‘ General Prussian Commerce and
Trade Company (Unlimited),”
presents his compliments to the
Crowned and Uncrowned Heads
of Europe, Asia, Africa, and Ame-
rica, and hopes by increased at-
tention to business—his own and
theirs—he may merit their es-
teemed patronage, and enjoy a
continuance and an extension of
past favours. He begs to enclose
a plan of a new Co-operation
System, under his experienced
management, and hopes that no
sort of obstacle will be thrown in
the way of converting all the
ports of all nationalities into one
universal Bis-market.

Ode (and Paid) to the Town
Clerk.

He was a lucky man,

He was a lucky man,

His salary went
Up twenty * per cent.

He was such a lucky man!

* Twenty-five, my boy ! That’s
“ The Cry of the (Town) Clerk.” But
ain't I en-title'd to it, eh ? Yes. Daily
and Knightly.—J. B. M.

A Cutting.

A Correspondent sends us the
j following extract from the Derby
Mercury:—

WANTED, SITUATION as
GARDENER. No objections
to waiting. None but thorough Gen-
tlemen need apply.

Fortunate that the Advertiser
has “ no objections to waiting.”
j It strikes us that he will have to
j wait some considerable time.