DOI issue:
October 30, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17764#0212
204
PUNCH, OK, THE LONDON CHAK1VAKL [October do, ia»u.
DIPLOMACY.
Nurse [to Professional Friend making a call). “ ‘Well, Nuss,’ sfz he, ’igh
AND ’oltTY LIKE, HE SEZ, ‘WOT DO YOU THINK ? ’ SEZ HE. ‘DOCTOR,’ I S> Z,
Q'nilE DIFFERKNSH IAL, I SEZ, ‘ I’M QUITE OF YOUR OPINION,’ I SEZ. ‘ AND I ’m
OF THE SAME WAY OF THINKING, N USS, ’ SEZ HE. AND SO WE SETTLES IT.”
Professional Friend (much interested). “Lor’! And wot won his Opinion,
now ? ”
Nurse. “ Bless yer ’art, my dear Creetur, in course be never hadn't
GIVEN NONE ! ”
WHERE ARE THE POLICE P
People are constantly asking this question, and getting no satisfactory
answer. The following scrap of a diary from Scotland Yard, which has come
into our possession, may throw some bull’s-eye light on the subject : —
Quiet two days in the office, yesterday and to-day. All the Inspectors and
many of the Superintendents dancing attendance on the Licensing Magistrates
at Clerkenwell. Ought not, perhaps, to use the term “dancing attendance”
in such a connection, because the Magistrates are rabid against dancing. Took
fifty intelligent officers from active service and put them on to Music-Hall
duty. Suspect they like it. Plenty of drink and plenty of loafing. Told them
to watch the behaviour of the hardened criminals who listen to songs and smoke
tobacco. Told them to report any songs that suggested impropriety. Said they
would to the best of their judgment, which is not much. Received a report
from one officer that a hornpipe had been danced at one hall with only a music-
licence; also report from another officer that he thought a dramatic entertain-
ment was being Riven at another hall without a dramatic licence, but he would
like to go to the Dog-in-the-Manger Theatre, and see. Gave him a shilling and
a suit of plain clothes, and told him to see. Reported himself at two o’clock
a.m., having just left the theatre. Said there had been a benefit and two Shak-
spearian plays— drinking going on all the time. This sounded very dreadful ;
but found they had authority to sell drink as Rug as the performance lasted,
even during prohibited hours, under an Act of William the Fourth.
Telegrams from outlying stations, saying that in consequence of the fogs,
the burglary season bad commenced early with unusual severity. Took four
officers from Music-Hall duty, and put them on to Durglary.^ Fancy they
grumbled. Another officer reported improper singing at the ./Esthetic Music-
Hall. Made inquiry, and found the song was from the Cloches de Cornevit/e,
and was being sung at the Chelsea Theatre. Sent to the Lord Chamberlain’s
Office, next day, to know what it meant. Answer from Licenser of Plays that
be did. not think the song improper, and answer from Licenser of Theatres that
the house was twenty yards out of their jurisdiction, and I
must apply to the local Magistrates. Sent to Magistrates,
and found they had adjourned (as usual) for a twelve-
month. Another officer reported a rickety staircase at the
Fossil Music-Hall. Thought of Magistrates, but recol-
lected they had dissolved. Sent over to the Home Office.
Messenger treated with contempt, and told to go to Jericho.
He came back. Recollected Board of Works. Messenger
went to Government Board of Works. Wrong again.
Recollected Metropolitan Board of Works. Sent messen-
ger. Answer, “Ho power to deal with old buildings, only
structures in course of erection.” Next day heard that the
staircase had tumbled down at daybreak. Saw a spiteful
letter in a low papier, asking how much longer we should be
before we cleared up the Harley Street mystery P Looked
at the Murder Book, and was astonished to find such a
lot of undiscovered mysteries—Hart Street, Cannon
Street, Coram Street, Hoxton, Euston Square, Burton
Crescent, Harley Street, &c. Took four more officers off
Music-Halls, and put them on to Murder.
THE YERY LATEST.
(By Our Own Special.)
Ceitinje, 9 a.m.— All right. Kirby Green off.
Everything settled. Dulcigno to be banded over this
afternoon without conditions. Turkish Commissioner
just arrived. General illumination preparing. Invested
in coloured star and two crackers.
10 a m.—Hitch. Albanian found in bazaar with hair
badly cut. Sultan protests to Powers. Withdraws con-
cession, wants six months’ delay, and pour-boire for
Commissioner.
11 a.m.—Kirby Green back again. Refuses every-
thing. Sultan to be deposed. Sold crackers for fire-
wood to an Infant School. Prince been out for an hour
on horseback. Enthusiasm indescribable.
Noon.— Sultan yields. Kirby Green off again. Note
just in. Promises cession on simple condiiions. Prince
to stay half an hour in town, wear fez on Sundays for
eighteen months, then call again, Have lighted star.
1 r.M.—All off. Kirby Green back. War settled.
Put out star. Prince out for another hour. Enthusiasm
indescribable. National 75 per Cents, at l j.
2 r.M.—Difficulty surmounted. Kirby Green off.
Dulcigno to be handed over unconditionally. National
75 per Cents, at 1. Infant school blown up. Great
difficulty experienced in finding Dulcigno.
3 r.M.—Last telegram from Sultan a hoax. Kirby
Green back again. Ultimatum from Porte. European
War declared. Doubts as to whereabouts of Dulcigno.
9.30 r.M.— Glorious news! Dulcigno discovered at
last. National 75 per Cents., Of. Figs steady. Kirby
Green naturalised. Enthusiasm describable.
“ Take away that Bauble ! ”
PUNCH, OK, THE LONDON CHAK1VAKL [October do, ia»u.
DIPLOMACY.
Nurse [to Professional Friend making a call). “ ‘Well, Nuss,’ sfz he, ’igh
AND ’oltTY LIKE, HE SEZ, ‘WOT DO YOU THINK ? ’ SEZ HE. ‘DOCTOR,’ I S> Z,
Q'nilE DIFFERKNSH IAL, I SEZ, ‘ I’M QUITE OF YOUR OPINION,’ I SEZ. ‘ AND I ’m
OF THE SAME WAY OF THINKING, N USS, ’ SEZ HE. AND SO WE SETTLES IT.”
Professional Friend (much interested). “Lor’! And wot won his Opinion,
now ? ”
Nurse. “ Bless yer ’art, my dear Creetur, in course be never hadn't
GIVEN NONE ! ”
WHERE ARE THE POLICE P
People are constantly asking this question, and getting no satisfactory
answer. The following scrap of a diary from Scotland Yard, which has come
into our possession, may throw some bull’s-eye light on the subject : —
Quiet two days in the office, yesterday and to-day. All the Inspectors and
many of the Superintendents dancing attendance on the Licensing Magistrates
at Clerkenwell. Ought not, perhaps, to use the term “dancing attendance”
in such a connection, because the Magistrates are rabid against dancing. Took
fifty intelligent officers from active service and put them on to Music-Hall
duty. Suspect they like it. Plenty of drink and plenty of loafing. Told them
to watch the behaviour of the hardened criminals who listen to songs and smoke
tobacco. Told them to report any songs that suggested impropriety. Said they
would to the best of their judgment, which is not much. Received a report
from one officer that a hornpipe had been danced at one hall with only a music-
licence; also report from another officer that he thought a dramatic entertain-
ment was being Riven at another hall without a dramatic licence, but he would
like to go to the Dog-in-the-Manger Theatre, and see. Gave him a shilling and
a suit of plain clothes, and told him to see. Reported himself at two o’clock
a.m., having just left the theatre. Said there had been a benefit and two Shak-
spearian plays— drinking going on all the time. This sounded very dreadful ;
but found they had authority to sell drink as Rug as the performance lasted,
even during prohibited hours, under an Act of William the Fourth.
Telegrams from outlying stations, saying that in consequence of the fogs,
the burglary season bad commenced early with unusual severity. Took four
officers from Music-Hall duty, and put them on to Durglary.^ Fancy they
grumbled. Another officer reported improper singing at the ./Esthetic Music-
Hall. Made inquiry, and found the song was from the Cloches de Cornevit/e,
and was being sung at the Chelsea Theatre. Sent to the Lord Chamberlain’s
Office, next day, to know what it meant. Answer from Licenser of Plays that
be did. not think the song improper, and answer from Licenser of Theatres that
the house was twenty yards out of their jurisdiction, and I
must apply to the local Magistrates. Sent to Magistrates,
and found they had adjourned (as usual) for a twelve-
month. Another officer reported a rickety staircase at the
Fossil Music-Hall. Thought of Magistrates, but recol-
lected they had dissolved. Sent over to the Home Office.
Messenger treated with contempt, and told to go to Jericho.
He came back. Recollected Board of Works. Messenger
went to Government Board of Works. Wrong again.
Recollected Metropolitan Board of Works. Sent messen-
ger. Answer, “Ho power to deal with old buildings, only
structures in course of erection.” Next day heard that the
staircase had tumbled down at daybreak. Saw a spiteful
letter in a low papier, asking how much longer we should be
before we cleared up the Harley Street mystery P Looked
at the Murder Book, and was astonished to find such a
lot of undiscovered mysteries—Hart Street, Cannon
Street, Coram Street, Hoxton, Euston Square, Burton
Crescent, Harley Street, &c. Took four more officers off
Music-Halls, and put them on to Murder.
THE YERY LATEST.
(By Our Own Special.)
Ceitinje, 9 a.m.— All right. Kirby Green off.
Everything settled. Dulcigno to be banded over this
afternoon without conditions. Turkish Commissioner
just arrived. General illumination preparing. Invested
in coloured star and two crackers.
10 a m.—Hitch. Albanian found in bazaar with hair
badly cut. Sultan protests to Powers. Withdraws con-
cession, wants six months’ delay, and pour-boire for
Commissioner.
11 a.m.—Kirby Green back again. Refuses every-
thing. Sultan to be deposed. Sold crackers for fire-
wood to an Infant School. Prince been out for an hour
on horseback. Enthusiasm indescribable.
Noon.— Sultan yields. Kirby Green off again. Note
just in. Promises cession on simple condiiions. Prince
to stay half an hour in town, wear fez on Sundays for
eighteen months, then call again, Have lighted star.
1 r.M.—All off. Kirby Green back. War settled.
Put out star. Prince out for another hour. Enthusiasm
indescribable. National 75 per Cents, at l j.
2 r.M.—Difficulty surmounted. Kirby Green off.
Dulcigno to be handed over unconditionally. National
75 per Cents, at 1. Infant school blown up. Great
difficulty experienced in finding Dulcigno.
3 r.M.—Last telegram from Sultan a hoax. Kirby
Green back again. Ultimatum from Porte. European
War declared. Doubts as to whereabouts of Dulcigno.
9.30 r.M.— Glorious news! Dulcigno discovered at
last. National 75 per Cents., Of. Figs steady. Kirby
Green naturalised. Enthusiasm describable.
“ Take away that Bauble ! ”