Punch (79.1880)

November 6, 1880.]

209

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

TO A MODERN PYRRHA.

On, PmHi, say what
Youth, so wan and
worn,

Woos thee with many a
whisper heard at e’en P
For whom do you so curi-
ously adorn—

A subtle symphony in
sad sage-green P

How oft will he your way-
wardness deplore,

And miss the smiles that
once were all for him ;
When this {esthetic mania
is o’er,

And you ’re perchance
engrossed in some new
whim !

But as for me, my first
love is the last;

New fancies and new
faces charm no more ;
And, even were my youth-
ful days not past, ,
You’re not the sort of
girl I should adore.

For whom do you, so very tightly laced,

With well-furred shoulders promenade the street ?

Your hat a Gainsborough Beauty might have graced,

A Chinese lady envied those small feet.

What youth admires that figure so pinched in ?

Who loves the fashions as they are just now ?

What wonder that you grow so pale and thin,

With interesting furrows on your brow.

When to your natural grace will you give play ?

’Tis better thus than crinoline and hoop.

“ She stoops to conquer.” Pretty Pyrrha, say
Now, if you want to conquer, can you stoop P

THE ELECTION COMMISSIONS.

We have every reason to believe that the following are truthful
summaries of the Election Reports which will be j)resented to Parlia-
ment by the Commissions.

Immaculatesfield.

It is impossible for us conscientiously to report that we are satis-
fied with the manner in which the Election here was conducted. . . .
The facts about the “mysterious stranger ” are very suspicious. If
he was not a bribing agent, why did he perambulate the chief tho-
roughfares with a bag of gold at his side, requesting the electors to
vote for Captain Cofferfull, the “Blue” Candidate? Why, if
they promised to vote for Captain Cofferftjll, did he employ them
as messenger at a salary varying from £1 to £10 an hour ? These
facts, we repeat, appear suspicious. It is, perhaps, open to remark
that this “mysterious stranger” has not appeared to give evidence
before us, and both sides profess complete ignorance of who he is,
where he is ; or, in fact, whether he is at all. Perhaps he’s indis-
posed, and has not heard of this inquiry as yet. ... As to Tom
Snooks, we are not satisfied that he actually received more than £20
for his vote, though the manner in which he gave his evidence was
most satisfactory. We are rather inclined to believe that the valu-
able gold watch which Tom Snooks presented to his sweetheart the
day after the polling, was purchased out of some money which he
received as an equivalent for his vote—or, as he facetiously expresses
it, for “his loss of time.” It is only fair to add that Tom Snooks
himself swears that this is not the case, but that the watch was
bought with money saved out of his earnings during the last two
years. As Tom Snooks has only been in employment (as a rag-and-
bqne-picker) for one year, and his weekly wrage is about five shillings,
his story appears to us to bear on it traces of inaccuracy. Still, we
are unwilling to believe that this excellent fellow has been commit-
ting wilful and corrupt perjury. . . . However, there can hardly be
any doubt that same money was spent in illegal practices in this
borough, inasmuch as we find that the number of the electors is 150
all told, and that £3000 was contributed by each Candidate for
Election expenses, while another £3000 was contributed by political
friends. Both Candidates assure us they had no notion that the

money would or could possibly be spent in bribery or treating. They
appear nice gentlemanly fellows, but it is odd that they had no sus-
picions as to the use that was being made of their cheque-books.
Mr. Timothy Higgins acknowledged that he had received £10 for
running messages, another £10 to see that the other messengers ran
messages, besides £20 to see that no bribing went on, and an addi-
tional douceur of £30 to be sure that there was no treating. This
looks to us like corruption, though we don’t feel quite sure about it.
Other eases of a similar nature occurred, so we can only end by
recommending this ancient and most respectable borough to the
mercy of your honourable House.

Ham Sandwich and Veal.

This dirty and decayed little town, or two towns, appears, to our
unanimous judgment, to be the most corrupt borough m the United
Kingdom. At feast, we cannot possibly imagine any borough more
corrupt. There are upon the Register 500 burgesses, and of these
we have to report that 495 were either directly or indirectly bribed.
Of the remaining five, one is a hopeless idiot, or has the reputation!
of being so. Possibly this reputation may arise from the fact,,
credibly reported to us as true, that on the occasion of a formtr
election this deluded individual refused £5 and a glass of beer for
his vote, on so-called “conscientious” grounds. It so, we are per-
fectly certain that there is no other mau, woman, or child in Ham:

Sandwich and Yeal that feels any such ridiculous scruples.

The four other persons who were not proved to have been bribed, can
be easily accounted for. One refused to receive £10 for his vote,
considering the sum offered much too small, and so didn’t vote at all.
Another had every intention of taking £5 from each side, but unfor-
tunately couldn’t find the place of distribution, and had to go with-
out. The two others left the town hurriedly on the day that the
Commission arrived at it, and are not expected to return until the
Commission has finished its labours. This satisfactorily accounts for
the whole population, so we can finish off this report here; and jolly
glad we are to he done with it. We cannot, however, close without
recording a mast excellent joke made by one of our number, which
we feel sure will amuse your honourable House. Ou Mr. Smithkin's
remarking that “ he had been promised £10 to vote blue, but had
not yet received it,” Mr. (rising) Jetjnior replied, “ Then I suppose'
you are all in the blues?” This appears to us a witticism so con-
summate in itself, aud so admirably suited to the character of the
occasion and the dignity of the inquiry, that we should fail in our
duty if we omitted to record it. And your Commissioners will ever
pray, &c.

OxBOROUGH.

This place is a Cathedral town. Therefore we need hardly say it
is corrupt. Cathedral towns always are corrupt. There is some-
thing in a Gothic pillar, or a Norman arch, which irresistibly leads
to depravity ; and an Early English spire seems to be a direct
incentive to vice (not the “ Vice,” of course).

It is very pleasing among the dark aspects of electoral affairs, to
notice one featur e of these elections, which seems to point to better
times coming. As everybody knows, there is an ancient University
here; and, of course, the University has nothing whatever to do
with the City Election. Yet, notwithstanding this, there are great
and good men among the professors and lecturers, who go out of
their way to discharge their duty to their country, actually con-
tributing as much as £50 a head to the expenses (of course the
necessary expenses) of the Election ; aud when that is not sufficient,
running up to town, and getting as much as £3000 from the Plead
Centre of their respective parties to expend in—well, necessary
expenses—as we said before. This patriotic devotion to their duty
as citizens cannot be too highly commended.

Yariouk sad cases of bribery have come before us, also of treating;
but the gloom of our proceedings has been uniformly enlightened
by comic incidents. Thus, Mr. Jeremy Sparks, who confessed to
having received £15 for purposes of treating, expended £3 in treat-
ing others, and £12 in treating himself. When asked if he con-
sidered such treatment of the funds honest, he replied, “ Oh, yes,
quite,” which, we need hardly say, convulsed the Court and the
audience with laughter, as was only natural.

The “ lay clerk of St. John’s College ” (we are not quite sure what
a “ lay clerk ” is, hut fancy it’s some inferior kind of tlection agent)
who gave evidence as to his having paid £10 to one man because “ he
was handy with his fists,” appears to us to have somewhat exceeded
his duties as a “fay clerk.” Another of the agents, who must be a
wag in his way, described himself as “ Chichele Professor of Modem
History,” a harmless pleasantry which must have rather tickled
that venerable University official when he heard of it.

We really can’t find anything more that’s likely to interest your
honourable House, and we beg to recommend either that the place
be disfranchised—which seems rather severe—or that the Cathedral,
as the great centre of corruption, be immediately destroyed—which
appears to u3 a more statesmanlike plan. It’s not much of a cathe-
dral, and wouldn’t be missed, except by the Dean and the aged
woman who sweeps it out once a week.