DOI Heft:
April 19, 1884
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17756#0198
192
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
[April 19, 1884.
“ Doing it on his Head.”
VERY TRYING.
A Record of a few Trials of Patience.
No. X.—Alderman Juggins.
Mr. Alderman Juggins took his seat on the Bench at the Guild-
hall Police-Court for the first time. Addressing Mr. Guppin, the
Chief Clerk, Alderman Juggins saidI
feel the responsibility of my responsible
position, and no one can think too seri-
ously or too highly of the important duties
attending the position of a Chief _ Metro-
politan Magistrate. But while striving to
perform my onerous duties, I shall always
endeavour to temper mercy with justice.
There was an attempt at applause in
Court, but it was immediately silenced by
Mr. Guppin, the Chief Clerk.
John Chipps, no occupation, was charged
with snatching a watch and chain from
Eric Skimmers.
Mr. Skimmers deposed that the Prisoner
ran against him, and apologised for doing so.
Witness accepted the apology, and immediately missed his watch.
Alderman Juggins (to Witness). Would you like to ask the
Prisoner any questions ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). I beg your pardon, Sir ; you mean
would the Prisoner like to ask the Witness any question.
Alderman Juggins. No, I don’t. I know what I mean well
enough. (To Witness.) ‘If you would like to ask the Prisoner a
question, now is your time. Only be careful what you ask, as it
will be written down, and may be used against you.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Excuse me, Sir. This is not the
usual course.
Alderman Juggins. Then, pray what is ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk) privately informed the learned
Alderman that when in doubt, if he would consult him (Mr. Guffin),
be would be properly directed. This was the course adopted by all
Aldermen, and even by the Lord Mayor himself.
Alderman Juggins. If that is the proper course, 1 can only say it
is quite time for a complete revolution in the City. What is the use
of an Alderman sitting on the Bench, if the Chief Clerk is to prompt
in the sentences ? Where is the dignity of the Alderman under such
circumstances ? Why, the City might as well be represented by Sti-
pendiary Magistrates, and adone with it. No. I am the Magistrate
here, and shall perform my duty to the best of my honour and ability.
There was an attempt at applause in Court, which was imme-
! diately suppressed by Mr. Guffin. the Chief Clerk.
Alderman Juggins. As the Witness declines to question the
Prisoner, I shall cross-examine him myself.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). I submit most humbly, Sir, that
course is irregular. A Magistrate cannot cross-examine the Prisoner.
Alderman Juggins. I tell you he can. It is done abroad. I was
in Paris last Spring, and heard a Magistrate cross-examine a prisoner
for four hours, and would have gone on longer only the Prisoner
fainted in the dock from sheer exhaustion.
| Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Then, Sir, I can only ask you to
relieve me from any consequences that may transpire from such a
course as you propose to adopt.
Alderman Juggins. Most certainly. (To the Prisoner.) Why did
you steal this Gentleman’s watch.
The Prisoner. I didn’t, Sir.
Alderman Juggins. Yes, you did.
The Prisoner. No, I didn’t-
Alderman Juggins. I say you did, Sir.
The Prisoner. And I say I didn’t.
Alderman Juggins, The Witness says you did, too.
The Prisoner,. Well, I say I didn’t; leastways, not intentionally.
He was dashing by me—my thumb caught in his watch-chain, then
I found his watch in my hand, and the question simply resolved
itself into this should 1 return the watch at once, or borrow it for a
short time. But I hadn’t a chance of doing either, for I was given
i into custody.
Alderman Juggins (to the Witness Skimmers). What have you to
say to that P
Witness. Simply, yer Honour, that it isn’t true.
Alderman Juggins. But he swears it is.
Witness. Pardon me, your Honour, but the Prisoner does not
swear it. He isn’t on his oath.
Alderman Juggins. Then why isn’t he ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Prisoners are never sworn. Sir.
Alderman Juggins. What a monstrous iniquity! All this needs
reformation. (To Prisoner.) Well, I will give you the benefit of
the doubt, and tine you forty shillings or a month.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Eeally, Sir, you can’t fine a Prisoner
for stealing a watch.
Alderman Juggins. Well, I’m not going to let him off.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). You misunderstand me, Sir. Y'ou
must either remand him, sentence him to imprisonment with hard
labour, or send him for trial.
Alderman Juggins. Nonsense ; it’s a waste of time. I shall fine
him. He’s evidently very sorry.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). There are more Witnesses, Sir.
Alderman Juggins. We don’t want them. I ’ve had quite enough
of this case. Call on the next.
Blount Cutler, described as a Solicitor’s Clerk, was charged with
assaulting Frank Sellyer.
Mr. Sellyer, who appeared with a black eye, said: He regretted
to say that he was the cause of the quarrel, and he wished to with-
draw the charge. The Defendant was not the least to blame in the
matter; in fact, he had acted with great forbearance.
Alderman Juggins. But he gave you that black eye ?
Witness. I brought it on myself.
Alderman Juggins. Nonsense ! The case must go on.
Witness. I decline to give evidence. It’s not a felony,
Alderman Juggins. Perhaps you ’ll teach me my duty ?
Witness. I would, only I haven’t time.
Alderman Juggins. How dare you ?
Defendant. I say, wake up ! Don’t keep me fooling about in this
dock ail day. Y'ou ’ll have to discharge me.
Alderman Juggins. How dare you indulge in this insolence ?
What do you know about the Law ?
Defendant. A great deal more than you. I am a Solicitor’s Clerk,
while the whole of your life has been devoted to the manufacture of
tin-pots and candlesticks.
Alderman Juggins. I shall commit you for contempt of Court.
Defendant here burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.
When he recovered, he said :—Y'ou can’t commit for contempt in a
police-court. I thought every fool knew that.
Witness. You can take a summons out against him for abuse.
Alderman Juggins. Be quiet. Yrou ’re both a couple of blackguards.
Witness. I shall take a summons out against you, if you ’re not civil.
Alderman Juggins. I shall consult my colleague, Alderman Sir
Ribbon Cordon.
Defendant. He knows no more about the Law than you. Look
here, you must discharge me, and, in return. I’ll send you my little
handbook, entitled Every Man his Own Magistrate : or, Law in the
Back Drawing-Room.
Witness. Well, I’ve an appointment in the City, and can’t wait
any longer. (The Witness left the Court.
Alderman Juggins (to Mr. Guffin, the Chief Clerk). How much
can I give him ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Nothing, Sir. Y'ou must discharge
him.
Alderman Juggins (to Prisoner). You’re a blackguard, Sir; and
not fit to remain in this Court. Be off !
REPLY FOR RAMSGATE.
(To the Editor.)
Sir,—“What’s this I hear,”—as Truth generally commences a
paragraph when it’s going to give a startler,—What’s this I hear
about the health of Ramsgate ? Knowing something about it, indeed
almost as much as the excellentA'icar, Mr. Whiting (most appropriate
name, says Mr. Joe Miller Junior, for a sea-side Clergyman with
the cure of soles—eh ! just the plaice for him, &c., &c.) I can confi-
dently indorse the Vicar’s assertion, in his letter to the Times,
April 10th, and declare that the statements as to the present
insalubrity of Ramsgate have not the slightest fact to found them-
selves upon. Being unsupported they must drop.
On a fine morning—and when is it not fine at Ramsgate ?— the sea
is of a Mediterranean blue, the fishes sparkle in the sun, the dolphins
play, the birds in their little nests agree, and the hearts of the lands-
men go out to the Mermaidens on the rocks, and to the merry mariners
in the calm and sunlit offing. Light-hearted are the Light-ship-
mates, the temperature is better than on the Riviera, and days and
nights less treacherous. Then at night—if night it can be called
where there are such stars and such constellations, and a Royal
Crescent Moon shedding its gentle rays on the gothic towers, gables,
and garmoyles—no, gargoyles- of the Welby-Pugin West Cliff—
Ramsgate is simply delicious, balmy, beautiful!
Whoever maybe the envious or jealous Other-Seaside-place person
who has dared to fabricate these damaging stories, his attempt to
blacken the fair fame of Ramsgate has been whitewashed out by a
most decided Whiting. In fact, so enticing is the Vicar’s report,
that I should not have been surprised had his initials not been T. B.
Whiting, but I. N. Whiting, for as our friend “Robert” would
say, “ I never new a more in-witing spot.” However, the Vicar i s
right—and so am l. And remain, yours sincerely,
“ T ” in the ’Harbour.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
[April 19, 1884.
“ Doing it on his Head.”
VERY TRYING.
A Record of a few Trials of Patience.
No. X.—Alderman Juggins.
Mr. Alderman Juggins took his seat on the Bench at the Guild-
hall Police-Court for the first time. Addressing Mr. Guppin, the
Chief Clerk, Alderman Juggins saidI
feel the responsibility of my responsible
position, and no one can think too seri-
ously or too highly of the important duties
attending the position of a Chief _ Metro-
politan Magistrate. But while striving to
perform my onerous duties, I shall always
endeavour to temper mercy with justice.
There was an attempt at applause in
Court, but it was immediately silenced by
Mr. Guppin, the Chief Clerk.
John Chipps, no occupation, was charged
with snatching a watch and chain from
Eric Skimmers.
Mr. Skimmers deposed that the Prisoner
ran against him, and apologised for doing so.
Witness accepted the apology, and immediately missed his watch.
Alderman Juggins (to Witness). Would you like to ask the
Prisoner any questions ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). I beg your pardon, Sir ; you mean
would the Prisoner like to ask the Witness any question.
Alderman Juggins. No, I don’t. I know what I mean well
enough. (To Witness.) ‘If you would like to ask the Prisoner a
question, now is your time. Only be careful what you ask, as it
will be written down, and may be used against you.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Excuse me, Sir. This is not the
usual course.
Alderman Juggins. Then, pray what is ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk) privately informed the learned
Alderman that when in doubt, if he would consult him (Mr. Guffin),
be would be properly directed. This was the course adopted by all
Aldermen, and even by the Lord Mayor himself.
Alderman Juggins. If that is the proper course, 1 can only say it
is quite time for a complete revolution in the City. What is the use
of an Alderman sitting on the Bench, if the Chief Clerk is to prompt
in the sentences ? Where is the dignity of the Alderman under such
circumstances ? Why, the City might as well be represented by Sti-
pendiary Magistrates, and adone with it. No. I am the Magistrate
here, and shall perform my duty to the best of my honour and ability.
There was an attempt at applause in Court, which was imme-
! diately suppressed by Mr. Guffin. the Chief Clerk.
Alderman Juggins. As the Witness declines to question the
Prisoner, I shall cross-examine him myself.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). I submit most humbly, Sir, that
course is irregular. A Magistrate cannot cross-examine the Prisoner.
Alderman Juggins. I tell you he can. It is done abroad. I was
in Paris last Spring, and heard a Magistrate cross-examine a prisoner
for four hours, and would have gone on longer only the Prisoner
fainted in the dock from sheer exhaustion.
| Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Then, Sir, I can only ask you to
relieve me from any consequences that may transpire from such a
course as you propose to adopt.
Alderman Juggins. Most certainly. (To the Prisoner.) Why did
you steal this Gentleman’s watch.
The Prisoner. I didn’t, Sir.
Alderman Juggins. Yes, you did.
The Prisoner. No, I didn’t-
Alderman Juggins. I say you did, Sir.
The Prisoner. And I say I didn’t.
Alderman Juggins, The Witness says you did, too.
The Prisoner,. Well, I say I didn’t; leastways, not intentionally.
He was dashing by me—my thumb caught in his watch-chain, then
I found his watch in my hand, and the question simply resolved
itself into this should 1 return the watch at once, or borrow it for a
short time. But I hadn’t a chance of doing either, for I was given
i into custody.
Alderman Juggins (to the Witness Skimmers). What have you to
say to that P
Witness. Simply, yer Honour, that it isn’t true.
Alderman Juggins. But he swears it is.
Witness. Pardon me, your Honour, but the Prisoner does not
swear it. He isn’t on his oath.
Alderman Juggins. Then why isn’t he ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Prisoners are never sworn. Sir.
Alderman Juggins. What a monstrous iniquity! All this needs
reformation. (To Prisoner.) Well, I will give you the benefit of
the doubt, and tine you forty shillings or a month.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Eeally, Sir, you can’t fine a Prisoner
for stealing a watch.
Alderman Juggins. Well, I’m not going to let him off.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). You misunderstand me, Sir. Y'ou
must either remand him, sentence him to imprisonment with hard
labour, or send him for trial.
Alderman Juggins. Nonsense ; it’s a waste of time. I shall fine
him. He’s evidently very sorry.
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). There are more Witnesses, Sir.
Alderman Juggins. We don’t want them. I ’ve had quite enough
of this case. Call on the next.
Blount Cutler, described as a Solicitor’s Clerk, was charged with
assaulting Frank Sellyer.
Mr. Sellyer, who appeared with a black eye, said: He regretted
to say that he was the cause of the quarrel, and he wished to with-
draw the charge. The Defendant was not the least to blame in the
matter; in fact, he had acted with great forbearance.
Alderman Juggins. But he gave you that black eye ?
Witness. I brought it on myself.
Alderman Juggins. Nonsense ! The case must go on.
Witness. I decline to give evidence. It’s not a felony,
Alderman Juggins. Perhaps you ’ll teach me my duty ?
Witness. I would, only I haven’t time.
Alderman Juggins. How dare you ?
Defendant. I say, wake up ! Don’t keep me fooling about in this
dock ail day. Y'ou ’ll have to discharge me.
Alderman Juggins. How dare you indulge in this insolence ?
What do you know about the Law ?
Defendant. A great deal more than you. I am a Solicitor’s Clerk,
while the whole of your life has been devoted to the manufacture of
tin-pots and candlesticks.
Alderman Juggins. I shall commit you for contempt of Court.
Defendant here burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.
When he recovered, he said :—Y'ou can’t commit for contempt in a
police-court. I thought every fool knew that.
Witness. You can take a summons out against him for abuse.
Alderman Juggins. Be quiet. Yrou ’re both a couple of blackguards.
Witness. I shall take a summons out against you, if you ’re not civil.
Alderman Juggins. I shall consult my colleague, Alderman Sir
Ribbon Cordon.
Defendant. He knows no more about the Law than you. Look
here, you must discharge me, and, in return. I’ll send you my little
handbook, entitled Every Man his Own Magistrate : or, Law in the
Back Drawing-Room.
Witness. Well, I’ve an appointment in the City, and can’t wait
any longer. (The Witness left the Court.
Alderman Juggins (to Mr. Guffin, the Chief Clerk). How much
can I give him ?
Mr. Guffin (the Chief Clerk). Nothing, Sir. Y'ou must discharge
him.
Alderman Juggins (to Prisoner). You’re a blackguard, Sir; and
not fit to remain in this Court. Be off !
REPLY FOR RAMSGATE.
(To the Editor.)
Sir,—“What’s this I hear,”—as Truth generally commences a
paragraph when it’s going to give a startler,—What’s this I hear
about the health of Ramsgate ? Knowing something about it, indeed
almost as much as the excellentA'icar, Mr. Whiting (most appropriate
name, says Mr. Joe Miller Junior, for a sea-side Clergyman with
the cure of soles—eh ! just the plaice for him, &c., &c.) I can confi-
dently indorse the Vicar’s assertion, in his letter to the Times,
April 10th, and declare that the statements as to the present
insalubrity of Ramsgate have not the slightest fact to found them-
selves upon. Being unsupported they must drop.
On a fine morning—and when is it not fine at Ramsgate ?— the sea
is of a Mediterranean blue, the fishes sparkle in the sun, the dolphins
play, the birds in their little nests agree, and the hearts of the lands-
men go out to the Mermaidens on the rocks, and to the merry mariners
in the calm and sunlit offing. Light-hearted are the Light-ship-
mates, the temperature is better than on the Riviera, and days and
nights less treacherous. Then at night—if night it can be called
where there are such stars and such constellations, and a Royal
Crescent Moon shedding its gentle rays on the gothic towers, gables,
and garmoyles—no, gargoyles- of the Welby-Pugin West Cliff—
Ramsgate is simply delicious, balmy, beautiful!
Whoever maybe the envious or jealous Other-Seaside-place person
who has dared to fabricate these damaging stories, his attempt to
blacken the fair fame of Ramsgate has been whitewashed out by a
most decided Whiting. In fact, so enticing is the Vicar’s report,
that I should not have been surprised had his initials not been T. B.
Whiting, but I. N. Whiting, for as our friend “Robert” would
say, “ I never new a more in-witing spot.” However, the Vicar i s
right—and so am l. And remain, yours sincerely,
“ T ” in the ’Harbour.