Punch (90.1886)

February 6, 1886.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVAKI. 65

AMATEUR WORK.

(By a New Band.)

Since the days of my boyhood when, unsolicited, I re-hammered
the drawing-room grand with a quantity of old kid gloves cut in
strips, which I subsequently fastened on with paste, I have always
been of opinion—notwithstanding the fault afterwards found with
the tone of the instrument—that there was a great deal that could
be done by oneself in a house, without having recourse to outside
professional assistance, provided you only set about it in the right
way. It was, therefore, with the greatest satisfaction that I read the
following advertisement, that seemed at once to respond to the chord
that had already been struck in my own being. Here it is:—

Noiv ready, Price 6d., Post free, Id.,

AMATEUR WORK. Illustrated. "For February.
Be your own Carpenter and Builder.
Be your own Decorater and House Painter.
Be your own Cabinet-Maker.
Be your own Plumber and Gasfitter.
Be your own Organ Builder and Violin Maker.
Be your own Printer, Lithographer, and Bookbinder.
Be your own Upholsterer and Picture Frame Maker.
Be your own Shipwright.
Make your own 1 urniture,
See AMATEUR WORK. The February Number Now Ready.

Now there could be no mistake about this. Here was the whole
gamut of trade, at one's very hand, to be run through without the
intervention of the tradesman. To tell the truth, much as the an-
nouncement delighted me, it did not take me by surprise, for I had
already in several domestic departments inaugurated the scheme of
" home work " with, I flatter myself, very fair prospects of success;
and though I may claim to have become my own painter and deco-
rator, and am about, I trust, to become my own builder also, still I
wished to develop into my own violin-maker, to say nothing of being,
as soon as I could manage it, my own printer, bookbinder, and up-
holsterer, and so I sent for the Number in question ; but of this more
anon. My present business is, by a reference to my own experience,
to throw such additional light upon Amateur Work, practically car-
ried out, as will induce the beginner who might otherwise be discou-
raged, to persevere with some hope of attaining ultimate success.
And I cannot perhaps do better than begin with that simplest of all
domestic processes, the Re-papering of a Room, giving my rough notes
of my own experience of the business, jotted down at the time:—

" Commenced dining-room this morning. Flock-paper to be first
stripped off. Not having any ladder, place, with the assistance of
the^man who sweeps the crossing at the corner, the sideboard on the
dining-room table, and an arm-chair on the top of that. Stand, on
the arm-chair, and begin at the top. Find that the paper adheres
obstinately to the wall. Crossing-sweeper suggests scraping it with
a carving-knife. Try it. Break a couple, and give it up. Evidently
walls require damping. Proceed to damp them at first with crossing-
sweeper's broom, dipped in a pail of water. No use. Only little
bits peel off. Crossing-sweeper says he thinks the walls want a
" regular good soaking." No doubt he is right, and I endeavour to ,
administer one by standing in the middle of the room by a con- j
stantly supplied wash-tub, from which I pitch pailfulls for five
hours in all directions. Place streaming. Am informed that the
kitchen ceiling beneath has given way, and come down. Am not
surprised. To facilitate matters, I send to the nearest Ironmonger's
for a hydrant, and go over it all once more. Efforts successful. By
tearing it first with a toasting-fork, and then dragging it forcibly
with a coal-shovel, the paper is slowly detached. Sit up all night
at it. Stick to it the next day, and the next night too, but get it
nearly all off by the afternoon of the third day.

So much for my rough notes on "preparing" the walls, to which
1 can add nothing but that I fancy that the next time I had to re-
peat the process, I should certainly throw open the dining-room
windows, and set the chimney on fire, in the hopes of attracting the
notice of the Fire Brigade, as I am convinced that their prompt
arrival on the scene with their engines would, at a small cost, effect
a + eoonomy of labour, and saving of valuable time.

riut to proceed. Being not only my own Paper-hanger, but own
Artistic Decorator as well, I had determined on a bold experiment in
h +r?a^"way UP the wall I intended to try a sombre dado, but
a Dove this a frieze of, if possible, Greek dancing-figures. These last,
however, I was unable to obtain anywhere. I tried at the Stores, but
j °^ no ayafl> an(i the nearest approach I could get to what I
wanted was a bundle of unused theatrical posters, the subject
K seoured being one, I fancy, used in the advertising of a sensation
drama produced some short time ago at Drury Lane, and represent-
in? two men quarrelling on a mast in the midst of a shipwreck. Of
this picture I had secured two dozen, and as the figures were life-
size, I felt no doubt that their repetition round the dining-room, above
the dado, would, though not precisely carrying out my original

design, nev«rtheless 'convey an impression of the exerciss of much
artistic originality and unconventional taste.

But the telling of how I dried and sized my walls, trimmed my
paper (a most troublesome process with nail scissors), and finally hung
my frieze, I must relegate to some future occasion.

GERMAN AS HE IS WROTE..

To all who remember with appreciation that inimitable little work,
English as She is Spoke, we can confidently recommend the perusal
of a neat and handy little volume entitled The English-German Cor-
respondent, by Hosseeld. That, however, this is by no means a
One-Hoss-feld effort, a very cursory perusal will amply testify, the
little volume in question effectually making good its promise that by-
its aid '' anyone acquainted with the English language will be enabled
to compose a letter in German" straight off on any commercial sub-
ject whatever. Indeed, every department of trade is touched in its
pages, and from the floating of a company to_ the sinking of a ship,
nothing appears to be left out. Any intending emigrant to Samoa
could not do better than provide himself with Hossfeld's Corre-
spondent, that in any international misunderstanding could be
appealed to with good effect. What, for instance, could be better
than the following concluding sentence from the chapter headed
"Litigious Affairs" :—" Wir rechnen auf Ihre freundschaftlichen.
Bemulmngen, um die streitigen Punkte auf zufrieden stellende Weise
auszugleichen " f This would pacify the most fire-eating German
Captain at once.

Lodgers in the Lane.—The Drury Lane Lodge of Freemasons
was opened a week ago. Lord Londesborough, whom we welcome
back to active service after his late most serious accident, is the
Master. Augustus Druriolanus, representing one side of Human
Nature, is the Senior Warden ; and the very latest Solicitor-General,
Sir John Gorst, the Gorst of his former self, the Junior Warden.
Arabi Masha Broadley is the Secretary; and Mr. Pettitt, the
other side, or "little" side, of Human Nature is the Junior Deacon.
Among the members is Brother Thomas Thobne, and then Wood-
ville is next on the list; but surely this is a misprint for "Vaude-
ville,"—at all events, coming after T. Thorne, it looks very like it.
Then there are Brother Glynds (the tragic Brother), and Charles
(his friend) Wyndham, and Brother Herbert Campbell, the Comic
Singer. Where at the opening ceremony was Mr. Harry Payne,
with"the red-hot poker? Mr. T. H. Bolton, M.P., was present in
evening costume, wearing one of his "Extraordinary Ties,"—he
spells it " Tithes" in his Bill, but it is evidently "Ties"' Dr. W. H.
Russell-" Square" made the speech of the evening, and the two
Wardens delighted the company with a duett, " We've been to the
East, we've been to the West," which was rapturously received.
The Drury Lane Lodgers kept it up till a reasonable hour, and
then went from labour to refreshment, which they found in sleep.

SHILLY-SHALLY.

(By a Loyal but Anxious Liberal.)
Air—" Sally in Our Alley.'"

Oe all the follies on our part

There's none like Shilly-Shally,
A weakness that the Liberal cart

Upsets continually.
There's not a cry,—Home-Rule,
Church, Land,—

To which I will not rally,
But there's one thing I cannot stand,

That's foreign Shilly-Shally.

Of policies absurd and weak

The worst is Shilly-Shally.
If Office we 're about to seek,

I fear that principally.
Put to the test, I '11 do my best

Enthusiastically,
And follow Gladstone like the rest,

But oh ! don't Shilly-Shally!

Let " Pussy " be allowed to purr,

As Leader, musically ;
But not as Foreign Minister,

To play at Shilly-Shally!
If at the F. 0. we may see

True nerve and nous, 0 Halle-
Lujah! how happy we shall be

Saved, saved from Shilly-Shally!

"The Best Hundred
Books." — A Correspondent
writes to say that Mr. Punch
was wrong in his arithmetic
last week when he told every-
one to read his eighty-nine
volumes, and make up the
difference by " reading the
last five twice over. And,"
says he, "he will then only
have done 94." No, Sir;
that note appeared in the
90th volume; this reply ap-
pears in the 90th volume, as
you will perceive. Good: you
have finished 89 vols. You
are reading voL 90. Good.
Take five volumes, any five,
double them. Now, either
twice five is ten, or it is not.
But, assuming the first hy-
pothesis to be true, let a ■-
Punch volumes, then 5a x 2
= 10a. Then 10a + 90a = 100a,
i.e., One Hundred Punch
Volumes, and there you are!
Or, if not, where are you ?

Notice oe IkoiioN.—That,
with a view to the improve-
ment of Parliamentary pro-
cedure, the Black Rod be
immediately placed in pickle.