Punch (95.1888)

November 24, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245

view from the Castle ramparts the official charge I may here
remind you is sixpence each person. Thank you, Sir, I am much
obliged to you. [Scene closes on Sightseers, trooping up staircase
in varying states of contented vagueness as to what they are going to
see when they get up.

THE DIABY OP A NOBODY.

Sunday, November 4.—Carrie and 1 troubled about that mere boy
Lupin getting engaged to be married -without consulting us or any-
thing. After dinner he told us all about it. He said the lady's name
■was Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest,
prettiest, and most accomplished girl he ever
met._ He loved her the moment he saw her,
and if he had to wait fifty years he would
wait, and he knew she would wait for him.
Lupin further said, with much warmth,
that the world was a different world to him
now,—it was a world worth living in. He
lived with an object now, and that was to
make Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he
would guarantee she would not disgrace the
family of the Pooters. Carrie here burst
pn^v„;t „f To-n-k^TT 1™ out crying, and threw her arms round his
IWf 7' 7 neck, and in doing so, upset the glass of
port he held in his hands all over his new
light trousers. I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar
when we saw her, but Carrie said she loved her already. I thought
this rather premature, but held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the
sole topic of conversation for the remainder of the day. I asked
Lupin who her people were, and he replied, " Oh, you know Mutlar,
"Williams and "Watts." I did not know, but refrained from
asking further questions, at present, for fear of irritating Lupin.

November 5.—Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long
conversation with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which
was that he accepted a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and
Co., Stock and Sharebrokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an
advertising firm, and he did not think much of it. I replied,
" Beggars should not be choosers ;" and I will do Lupin the justice
to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself. Tn the evening we
went round to the Cummings', to have a few fireworks. It began to
rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of my squibs would not go
off, and Gowing said, " Hit it on your boot, boy ; it will go off then."
I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and it went off with
one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave the
rest of my squibs to the little Cummings' boy, to let off. Another un-
fortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse on my head.
Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the
ground by way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about it;
said it cost seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in getting
it alight. At last it went off, but, after a couple of slow revolutions,
it stopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it
round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the grass.
Anybody would have thought I had set the house on fire from the
way in which they stormed^ at me. I will never join in any more
firework parties. It is a ridiculous waste of time and money.

November 6.—Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but
Carrie said she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. I
agreed with Carrie, and this led to an argument. However, the
matter was settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting-
cards, and. we must get some more printed, and when they were
finished would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling.

November l.—I ordered some of our cards at Black's, the Stationers.
I ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long time.
In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss Mutlar's
brother. He was rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said he was the
most popular and best amateur in the Club, referring to the
" Holloway Comedians." Lupin whispered to us that if we could
only " draw out" Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter.
At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took up
a knife, and with the flat part of it, played a tune on his cheek in a
wonderful manner. He also gave an imitation of an old man with
no teeth, smoking a big cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar
sent Carrie into fits. In the course of conversation, Daisy's name
cropped up, and young Mutlar said he would bring his sister round
to us one evening—his parents being rather old- fashioned, and not
going out much. Carrie said we would get up a little special party.
As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go, and it was approaching
eleven o'clock, as a hint I reminded Lupin that he had to be up early
to-morrow. Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of
comic imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation, Poor
Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an
excuse, and said " Good-night." Mutlar then left, and I heard him
and Lupin whispering in the hall something about the "Holloway
Comedians," and to my disgust, although it was past midnight,
Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went out with his new companion.

GUIDES, PHILOSOPHERS, AND FRIENDS-IN-NEED.

The ladies and gentlemen interested in floating the "Lady Guide
Association," appear not only to have discovered a new social want,
but to be, moreover, confident that they
have hit on an excellent method of meeting it.
The following extract, however, from a little
pamphlet they have recently published fur-
nishes the best explanation of the objects
they have in view, which are:—

" 1st.—To supply efficient Guides, who shall be
ladies by birth and education, for the services of
strangers, foreigners, and visitors of iheir own sex,
to the Metropolis and its Environs.

" 2nd.—To provide remunerative employment for
intelligent gentlewomen, who from the present
(ivercrowded labour markets, are now debarred

...... from earning a livelihood.

" 3rd.—To assist all new comers, by giving in-
formation upon every subject connected with their
visit, aiding them in every way, in a manner which
shall relieve them of all trouble, spare them imposi-
tion, and ensure their comfort.

" 4th.—To advise Visitors as to the several ways
of seeing and enjoying this Country, at given prices,
and to save the time and money of such visitors."

And to the above, by way of a sort of happy
___ after-thought, they subjoin the following
i=i foot-note:—

"N.B.—The Guides will be prepared to attend
mixed parties of ladies and gentlemen, families and
children, and those other than gentlemen travelling
The Guide who "knows enga/rcon."

her way about." I(. appears f rom tlle foregoing brief schedule

of some of her proposed requirements that the finished " Lady Guide"
will have to be a very formidably accomplished person, possessing all
the highest moral, social, and intellectual attributes, imbued with a
spirit of the profoundest philosophy, and combining all this with the
advantages of the most perfect walking encyclopedia. It is not sur-
prising, therefore, to find the Association hinting at the necessity of
candidates wishing to offer their services as " Lady Guides," having
to pass some slight " preliminary examination." Unfortunately, they
do not furnish a specimen test-paper, but that deficiency has been met
by the publication of the following list of questions :—'

1. A four-wheeled cab, containing five inside passengers, two
children on the box, and seven trunks on the roof, is taken from
Liverpool Street Station to the extreme end of Hammersmith, and
the Lady who has secured your services as guide, after having made
the cabman carry the seven trunks up to third storey offers him, as
his fare, two-and-ninepence, which he indignantly refuses. On his
subsequently claiming thirteen and sixpence, and taking oif his coat
and offering to fight the gentleman of the party for that amount on
the steps of the house in the presence of a sympathising crowd, what
speedy measures, if any, should you adopt to effect a compromise P

2. You are commissioned by a Lady, who is desirous of giving an
afternoon house-warming at her new Mansion in North Bayswater,
to provide somesuitableentertainmentforherfriends. How would you
set about this ? "Would you, if you wished to secure the services either
of Mr. Corney Grain or Mr. George Grossmith, call on one or both
of those gentlemen, and ask them to give you a little specimen of
their respective repertoires as a preliminary to engagement ? Do you
think they would oblige you by doing this ? Or do you think they
would resent it, and that the matter would fall through? Sup-
posing it were to, would you be prepared to take a cab, and hunt up all
the Music Halls in turn, in the hope of securing some suitable talent ?

3. You are engaged to conduot an intelligent, scientific, and
inquiringparty of sixteen people over Windsor Castle, the Mary-
le-bone Workhouse, the Thames Tunnel, Hanwell Lunatic Asylum,
the National Gallery, the British Museum, and the London Docks.
Do you think that your thorough knowledge of English history,
your acquaintance with the working of the Poor Laws, your grasp of
the progress of European Art, and your general familiarity with all
the great political, commercial, engineering, economic, and other pro-
blems of the hour are such as to warrant you in facing the coming
ordeal with a jaunty confidence ?

4. You are required by an economical Duke to provide a cheap
wedding for his only daughter, and he has stipulated that the break-
fast shall not, at the outside, cost more than ninepence a head.
With a four-and-sixpenny bridal cake, and a sound champagne that
must not exceed fifteen shillings a dozen, how do you propose to make
the thing go off with eclat ?

"Here we (don't) go Hp, Up, Up ! "—Last Saturday night the
Curtain of the Shaftesbury Theatre would not go up at any price.
Wasn't there a lever du rideau in the bill ? If so, why wasn't it used ?