Punch (103.1892)

August 13, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61

LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.

Dear Me. Punch, Yacht " Ibex" Weymouth.

Once again "my foot is on my native heath.."—(I don]t
know where this quotation comes from, but presume the author of it
had lost a leg, or he would have placed his feet there—or else he must
have had one leg shorter than the other, and so couldn't put both down
at once !)—and heartily glad I am to be there—we had a most alarm-
ing passage from Jersey, and I thought every moment would be my
last— {for a time)—but I was cheered and stimulated to endurance
by the noble example of my friend and fellow-passenger The Mac-
dougal—Chief of the Clan—who was obtrusively well up to lunch-
time !—but I had my revenge then, for he was unable to face the
dish of Haggis that I am given to understand every right-minded
Scotchman thinks it his duty to eat at least once a day.

However, "1 pulled through all right," as Lord Arthur would
gay, and was so delighted with my sailor-like indifference _ to the
"rolling-sea," that I adopted a rolling-walk on landing, which was
most impressive, to judge from the staring of the inhabitants of
Weymouth!—(I may confess to you that I couldn't help myself;
everything was going up and down and sideways, for hours after I

THE DIARY OF AN EXPLORER A LA RTJSSE.

Introduction.—Delighted to have the opportunity of exploring
the Ironice Mountains. Hearing they abound with frozen mud
which would be most useful if it could be removed to the plains
below without melting. The watercress plant too might be grown
on the summit, if it is practicable to take up orchid-forcing houses.
Ought to get the Gold Medal of the Geographical Society if I open
out this region that will be fraught with such blessings to commerce.
So far as I can judge, it will only be necessary to take twenty bat-
teries of Artillery, a dozen squadrons of Cavalry, and (sav) sixteen
landed, and I really think the sea ought to be done away with, or I battalions of Infantry. And I think we might as well take a Naturalist,
flattened out by some means!—there's a fortune for the man wh,o I A little Later.—Made a good start. Appointed Professor Popoff to be
invents the machine which will do it!)______:___ our Naturalist. He is a little out of practice,

for more of my excellent prophecies, but I really cannot run the
risk of ruining my health by reading the papers when in the
country ; and, as patience is an admirable virtue, I feel I am doing
my duty in encouraging it .as much as possible. So, for yet another
cycle of time (poetic, and usefully vague), I am,

Yours, in idleness, Lady Oat.
Ode to Buccaneer.

Sing hey for the life of a Convict
Bold!

Sing ho for his healthy life !

Sing hey for his peaceful days
when old,
Secluded from care and strife !

I should prefer it done away with myself,
as then there would be no mackerel-
fishing !

I have no personal animosity against
the humble but lovely-looking mackerel;
but I was weak enough to accept an in-
vitation to go fishing for them, and you
may imagine my horror at being "roused
out,"—(yachting expression, very signifi-
cant)—at three in the morning to go and
capture them !—or at least to try—for as
a matter of fact, we didn't get a single one
—and my temper was " roused out " before
we'd finished, for no well- conducted woman
cares to be balked in her efforts to " hook
a big fish,"—and all I could catch were a
few small "Pollock" and "Pout." By
the way, who on earth christens the fish,
I wonder P— and why on earth—or rather
in sea— are there so many varieties which
you must either remember or submit to
nave your ignorance jeered at by the prac-
tised fisherman, who has probably acquired
his information concerning them only the
day before ?

The English '' Bay of Naples ^ is a won-
derful place, and its resemblance to
its Italian prototype is admirably sus-
tained through the liberality of the Local
Board in encouraging the importation of
Italian penny-ice men! I really think
this wholesale importation of foreigners
is being carried to excess, and has already created a feeling that
England is no place for the English ! And then the concerts
you can hear for nothing !—that is, if you harden your heart when
the man comes round with the tin pail!—everyone has a spade or
a pail at the seaside—all the latest London successes, from
Tosti to " Ta-ra-ra," accompanied by a strong contingent of
the Salvation Army Brass Band!—and there is a lot of "brass"
about the Army still unaccounted for ! "What an enervating
part of the world this is! One quite realises what "lotus-
eating " means, even though there are no lotuses about!—(I wonder
if that's the correct plural?—or is it "Loti"? which looks like
French, only wants "Pierre " as Christian name. Or if additional
introduced, it would be "Lotti," suggestive of Collins' Ode
to Boom, &c.; but I am wandering)—and it requires enormous energy
to do anything more than loll about and bathe ; even on the Island
of Portland, where the air is rather more invigorating, I am
told there are numbers of people who express a strong disinclination
to perform any hard labour whatever, in spite of the fact of a short
residence there having been recommended as calculated to improve
their general "tone" ! I only wish the aforesaid Salvation Army
Band would go there on a lengthy visit, as its " tone " leaves much
to be desired at present.

I hear that the Brighton Meeting was a great success both in
weather and racing; and the present "Horse of the Century,"
Buccaneer, fully maintained his reputation, winning his race in
what they call "gallant style," and beating Lady Rosebery—not,
perhaps, a gallant thing to do, but Buccaneers have always been
notoriously rough to the sex !

I am afraid thousands of my readers must be getting impatient

A SYMPATHISER,

Master Tommy never misses the American
News now, as he is much interested in the
Case of Private Jams !!! (Fide Daily Papers.)

but passed the preliminary examination
very satisfactorily. Only made one trifling
mistake. Said that tea-roses belonged to
the cactus family. Fancy they don't, but
am not sure. The suggestion that cucum-
bers were dug out of the ground like
potatoes, was only an error of judgment.
Anyone might have made it. But although
rusty in his science, he is well up in
machine-gun drill. He will suit the ex-
pedition to a nicety. Artillery, Cavalry,
and Infantry in first-rate condition.

Later still.—Made our first important
scientific discovery to-day. Find that you
can't grow broad beans on the soil at the
base of the Ironice Mountains. At least
you may plant them, but they won't grow
to any size within the space of half-a-
dozen hours. Tried the experiment. To
clear the necessary space of ground, had
to remove the natives. Did this in gallant
style with the assistance of all branches
of the Service. The Professor rendered
valuable support with his Catling. Hadn't
time to bury the killed, but said some kind
things, when bidding them adieu, to the
wounded.

Further on.—Most anxious to discover
whether canaries sing half-way up the
Ironice Mountains. Had some little trouble
in establishing a footing on the plateau.
After eight hours' hard fighting got
to the required spot. The natives seem to have no respect for
scientific research. Had to remove them in the usual fashion. The
Cavalry had to abandon their horses, but the dismounted men were
most useful in burning villages. The Professor continued to carry
up his Catling, and used it with the customary result. When we
got to the plateau, disappointed to find no canaries. So we could
not ascertain whether they would sing at that altitude. However,
when we have completed the proposed railway, it will be quite easy
to bring up a few of those charming birds, and continue the
interesting experiment.

Later.— After six weeks' hard fighting, have at last got to
the summit. Cleared the place of the natives according to the
recognised scientific formula. The Infantry had to use their
bayonets freely. The Professor again well to the front with his
Catling. He is a wonderful man, and seems to have been accus-
tomed to it all his life. It is almost a pity that he should be
so devoted to science. He would have made a first-rate soldier.

Nearly the Latest.—Sorry that our expedition has not been
entirely successful. I am very much afraid that it will be impossible
to grow watercresses at this altitude, even with the genial aid of
orchid-forcing houses. I do not see how we could get up the neces-
sary materials to the summit, although assisted by proposed rail-
way. Still, when the line is constructed, we might make the
attempt. But from a commercial point of view, I do not believe
that the experiment would repay the cost.

Sequel.— Delighted to find that our scientific expedition has one
result. I have consulted the Professor, and we are both of the
opinion, that from the summit of the Ironice Mountains it is possible
to get a splendid bird's-eye view of India.

vol. cnr.

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