Punch / Almanack (1844)

X

LONDON AT THE SEA SIDE.

In 1/92, King George the Th'.rd reviewed the Volun-
| teers on Bagshot Heath. The bravery with which they
| fired off their blank cartridge, without exhibiting any

I outward signs of excessive fear, attracted the enthusiastic
; admiration of one another. By his Majesty's gracious de-
: they were allowed at once to mount the white feather.

MONTHLY REMARKS.

Fast Days.

Perhaps the
fastest day in the
whole year is the
21st of December,
which is the
shortest day; and being conssquently the
soonest gone, is the most decidedly fast day of
the twelvemonth.

Equation of Time.

Ill August, clocks to be right must go as fast,
or faster, than the sundial ; which, as a sun-
dial seldom moves at all, they can very easily
do. If your watch is not very fast indeed,
when it goes down it is likely to break in
pieces.

A Rhapsody.

The oyster, which for three long moons
has been divorced from the rump-steak, will

ASTRONOMICAL FOR MARGATE.

The marine star Asinus, appearing in conjunciion with the planet
Miss Tubbs,enters the sixth house in High-street; and having its hind
legs in the ascendant, Rliss Tubbs makes a transit into the cellar,
where she sets and becomes invisible.

Rules for Ascertaining the Weather.

It is faid to be a sign of rain when a dog eats grass. There-
fore, carry a handful of grass about with you, and oifer it to any dog
you happen to meet. If he eats it with appetite, there will be much
rain. If he only nibbles, it will be showery.

# Sentiment for the 2nd of this Month.

The memory of Nelson, and may Kritain ever have a T. P. Cooke <*
ready to play his part. -

now be reunited to its mate.
As yet, however, the mol-
luscous delicacy can hardly
be depended upon. Prema-
ture indulgence in the plea-
sures of the palate is apt
to be followed by affections
of the viscera.

Hints to Country Cousins.

Country gentlemen who
are desirous of obtaining
the " most complete cut"
should purchase " a suit for
31. 3s." of any advertising
slopseller. The first time
they wear their new clothes
they will find (if their friends
be respectable), that they
have secured the cut
(omplete.

MONTHLY

Domestic.

Toast and Water is pro-
cured in the speediest
manner by proposing
Father Mathew's
health at the nearest
pump.

Directions for the Marine
Farmer.

Your window bills
having ripened into
lodgers, prepare to
reap your harvest.
Transplant their
chops on to your grid-
iron, and sow your
gowns with their
thread. Cover
your lodgers'
beds with a
thin layer of

REMARKS.

blankets, and graft
your children's appe-
tites upon their bread
and butter. Dibble
tl.eir lump sugar into
your tea, and take care
to gravel their moist.
Rake out their draw-
ers, and cart away
their tea.

1

Th

2

F

3

S

4

So

5

M

6

Tu

T
/

W

8

Th

9

F

10

S

11

%>

12

M

13

Tu

14

W

15

Th

16

F

1799.—Gf.ougk the Third reviews the Kentish Voi.unteers, as follows:—"This
Regiment ought to be on every Tailor's shopboard."—Evening Paper.

The Smai.t.est IIorsf. in the World Presented to her Majesty, 1842. Though
only 27 inches high, the little Quadruped runs about upon four feet.

1831. Snore, late watchman, now dealer in marine stores, insures with the Managing
Director, who introduces Jenkins asa noble foundling. Snore says, he " once found a
foundling 011 the knocker of the l'ost; but hears he turned out a rum *un."—{Exit
Jenkins.)

Drain their port, and well water thejj" P

bottle. By such means, you will make your res'
a perfect harvest-Aome.

Things to be Borne in Mind. e to

Quarter-day is coming next month—prepa yj
meet or to avoid it. Real birds of passage im-
migrate before September. tIji«
Grouse shooting begins on the 12th—and stars .
to shooting, according to the almanacs, at the ® jf|
time. If your corn shoots as well, cut it d're
as you ought to do shooting in general, unle9®'
understand it.

APHORISM. . , ft*

Behold, the fields are embrowned by the waving corn ! A
the luminary which mellows the ear, should also have the pr
of tanning the cheek /

Statistics. . pfp'

11 is calculated, that, during the height of the season at 4
Bay, the weekly arrivals average—22 back bedrooms, 6 pario ^0
first floors, and 1 house, which, when reduced into baths, »as
found to amount to 15 warms, 6 showers, and 42 colds.

Dominical.

The Golden Number is Number One.

9 £buntrag after TOm'tp.

The last remaining Stocks in London removed prom Portugal Street, 1826;
—and several puffing Linen-Drapers have been selling them off at "a tremendous
sacrifice" ever since.

The Members of Lincoln's Inn resolve on Building a new Hai.l, 1842,—i. c.
the Lawyers a-e determined to have another haul—out of the pockets of their Clients.

The Parliament meets at Oxford, having been Adjourned on Account of
the Plague, 1625. Adjourned on account of the Plague! Then there must have
been an elder Brotherton.

Algernon Sydney solicited 100,000?. of the trench King, to establish a
Republic in England, 16G6. A later Sydney, to establish a Republic, bleeds for
Pennsylvania, and then fights the " drab-coloured men . in the columns of the
Chronicle. .

1831. Jenkins determines to accept the salary, and gives a supper to the deputation.
By mistake, hands to the staunch and independent parlour, for pipe-lights, his rough
draft of the Unflinching Conservative's\ettcr; staunch and independent parlour reads it,
and pockets the same.

The Royal oiidkitvatoiiy at Greenwich founded, 1G75. Unlike
other Government Institutions, it lias no latitude given to it.

10 punting after ^Trinity.

Duke ok Clarence enrols himself as a Frivate in the Teddington Volun-
teers, 1803. The Duke, though marked "private," was nothing "particular"

The Explosion of a Distillery destroys a Party-Wall between it and the
Office of tiie " Temperance Record," 1842. The two Opponents are brought
together by blowing up, and knocking down " the party" that stood betweeu them.

Sir I. Brunel, with Fifty Ladies and Gentlemen, made the First Passage
through the whole length of the Thames Tunnel, 1843. Thepassa. was so
greatly admired, that it caused the work (though previously "below par"/ to be well
" quoted"

Napoleon b. 1700. He changed the monetary system of France, makiug a sackful of
crowns go to one Napoleon.

First Exportation from Hull op Twenty-Four Donkeys to Rotterdam, 1843.
The King of Holland, desirous to imitate our Legal Institutions, imports a model
Grand Jury from England.

17

S

18


19

M

20

Tu

21

W

22

Th

23

F

24

S

25

%

26

M

27

Tu

28

W

29

Th

30

F

31

S

c0iel

1831. Jenkins Attends (by invitation) a dinner of the National Conventionale1}

is placed before him, which, being removed, reveals his own letter of the
ing Conservative." The deputation turns Jenkins's coat—and Jenkins out.

11 £bunttag after TOm'tp. ^

Great Drought, 1803. The Syncretic Society might have rea^
a fortune by its milk-and-water works,

Festival at Drury-Lane Theatre, given to Capt. Rous, on his
the Representation of Westminster, 1841. The Eleetors likely-toot)j
" Sea Captain " being given out for representation a second time. ^

Mr. Clarke, Chemist, detects an extensive Adulteration of 1

Ground Bones and Plaster of Paris, at Hull, 1825. The Bakers del
bone their "bricks ," and run their twopenny " cottages" up with jilasier- a

A Correspondent of the "Times" advises the Use of Water / ti>&
disperse Chartist Meetings, 1842—the Gentleman doubtlessly thinkh r
the Chartist only had a Duck, they would be certain to cry for Peas (Pefl£p
31. The staunch and independent parlour losing: his spectacles in the scutne, ,en

1831. The
demand

staunch and independent parlour losing his spectacles in the scul ^JiH^liis

satisfaction, or a new pair from Jenkins. The Managing Director rec^g J

Jenkins to fight by all means,—as the staunch and independent parlour is <
annuitants.

o'connell declares his intention not to STT AS lord MAYOR anoth

1842—finding it difficult, iu his situation, to deal with beggars, without co
himself.

12 £6untrap after ^rmitp. „

Prince Albert born, 1819. Afterwards invents a "shoeking bad hat" for the
Infantry, but England refuses to put her Foot in it.

Day 14 hours long. Great news for Moses, the Tailor, wh0'

Shakespeare, is " a man for all time."

The Capital of the Nelson Pillar at last Completed, 1S43. The
progressed, like a broad-wheeled waggon, with the Man and the Boy c°
sitting on the shaft. ^

The Queen visits Scotland, 1842—and, mirabile dietu! returns; being the on 3

reign that ever went into that country, and got out again. ^ ^ fit

1831. Jenkins writes an anonymous letter to Griselda, asking, "If she will a

i i i- i- ,.:-c 1 ...ixi .. 1:lie

man she loves to be sacrificed without an application to Bow-street.'

Director opens the letter, and retains it.

A Mouse, Singing like a Bird, exhibited in London, 1843. The little erea1
said to warble so beautifully, that many people thought it was £ Ixrk-

ture