Punch / Almanack: Punch / Almanack (1854)

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1854.

MONTHLY MEMS
By a Cabby

August.—Parliament’s mostly
up this month; and it would be
well for the Cabbies if it never
j come down agin. In the dog-days
I i ’osses’ mouths must be washed
| hout, especially down the road;
i and if your fare’s a rite sort,
he ’ll see your mouth washed out
too. If ’ired for a distance, drive
by time, and remember, he that
uses the vip spiles the ’oss. As
I Cabbies would all be done by their
fares, if they could, mind you do
them as you'd be done by. Avoid
lioysters this month.

Convey ances.—The simplest

form of conveyance is the stretcher.
An ordinary mode of conveyance
is by the collar, when the party
is technically said to “stand
seized.” Sometimes a simple
conveyance has peculiar append-
ages: as when a party is taken
by he skirts of the coat, which
establishes another party in the
character of “ tenant in tail.” The
ordinary draft conveyance is the
police van.

QUERIES, TO WHICH WE PAUSE
FOR A REPLY

Is any account of the dome of
St. Paul’s to be found in the
Domesday Eook at the British
Museum ?

If “ Day breaks,” as the alma-
nacks prophesy, will that, affect
himself only, or will the bank-
ruptcy extend to the firm of
“ Day and Martin ? ”

FICTIONS OF THE LAW.

That a person is at liberty to
ill-treat his wife to any extent he
likes, providing he does not ex-
actly kill her. (This fiction was
very popular at one time, but is
becoming now a little out of date.)

That a man is at liberty to tske
his wife to Smithfield Market, and
to sell her for a pint of gin. (This
fiction is in great circulation on
the continent, and is in large
demand amongst French novelists.
The fiction has been dramatised
more than once.)

That any such sale is valid, and
that the husband is at liberty to
marry again, and to sell and to
marry as often as he pleases.

That Shooting the Moon is a
legal sport—specially sanctioned
and provided for by the Game Laws.

That a man ever recovers his
property hv going to law.

That there ever were two such
persons as John Doe and Richard
Roe.

That the Queen, whose name is
most unwarrantably used on writs
and other legal documents, knows
anything of the way in which yon
are being served out.

That all persons are equal in
the eyes of the Law—or else how
comes it then that “ the longest
purse” generally wins?

That the Law recognises no dis-
tinction between rich and poor;
when a rich man can divorce his
wife by paying a cpuple of thou-
sand pounds, and a poor man can-
not obtain a divorce without going
to the workhouse 1

The Only One.—Every man
believes the “only honest lawyer”
to be his own—until the “honest
lawyer ” has sent him in his bill |
of costs.

YACHTING.

The Spare Bed (Berth we mean) on board our friend’s Schooner.

Fallacy of Appearances.—At
the richest dessert, after the most
sumptuous dinner, it may be often
observed that the fattest and jolli-
est-looking men are given to pine.

HOW TO GET A FAMILY TREE.

You may get a tree of this kind at any Lime, at Heralds’
College; and you may have it planted in any county you
like. Decorate it with as many old branch-s a.”s your imagi-
nation can find wooden material for, and sprinkle it with all
the ancient leaves you can sweep together off the various
battle-fields of your country. By this means you will get a
very pretty Tree.

A POLICEMAN'S SCALE OF CHARGES.

A serious charge is A loaded cannon.

A cbaige of infantry „ Half-a-dozen hoys in custody

A charge of cavalry „ A horse taken to the Green-yard.

An interesting charge „ An “ unprotected female.”

A night charge „ Half-price at a theatre.

A heavy charge „ The National Debt.

An infamous charge ., The usual bill at an hotel.

THE RITES OF HOSPITALITY.

If Hospitality has its “rites,” it has also its wrongs. For
instance:

If Hospitality gives yon a had dinner and a bad glass cf
wine, would you call that a “ rite,” or a wrong?

If Hospitality takes the warmest seat near the fire, and
leaves you shivering at the other end of the room, should you
instance that as a “ rite,” or a wrong?

I

CURIOUS CHINESE DEFINI-
TIONS OF MAN.

The inqu'sitive Man thrusts his
head into a beehive.

The Contented Man cuts his
own hair.

The Extravagant Man keeps
his coals in a volcano.

The Hasty Man drinks his tea
with a fork.

The Reckless Man is like a dog
in a sausage-shop.

The Passionate Man picks his
teeth with the tail of a dragon.

The Law’s Delay.— If, in
the celebrated arbitration-case of
Paris and the Apple of Discord,
the three goddesses—Venus, Jun*,
and Minerva—had been each de-
fended by counsel, we wonder
when the case would have come
to an end ? The apple would have
been thrown into Chancery as a
matter of course, and the chances
are that the celebrated judgment
would not have been delivered at
the present day!

A CURIOUS CHANNEL OF
COMPARISON.

Water is, in many points of
view, a singular reflection of
Periodical Literature, which we
were not aware of before we had
looked into it. For instance, it
comes, out in sheets, and when a
sufficient quantity is issued, it is
collected into volumes, but how
many sheets of water make a
volume, we cannot say. The frost
will bind a volume of water in a
variety of ways, and it is astonish-
ing the number of volumes every
year that are “ bound in Russia
and there is this further resem-
blance 'between Literature and
Water, that, send them up by any
high pressure you please, they are
both physically sure, after a short
time, to find tneir own level.

THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT

Fred. “ How DO YOU LIKE THE ALTERATION, BLANCHE ? ”

Blanche. “ What Alteration, dear ! ”

Fred. “Why, hang it!—haven’t I cut off my Beard and Moustaohios!”


CURIOUS CHINESE SAYINGS.

When a man seeks advice and
won’t follow it, they compare him
to “ a mole that’s continually
calling out for the newspaper.”
A drunkard’s nose is said to be
“ a lighthouse, warning us of the
little water that passes under-
neath.” If a man is fond of dab-
bling in law, they say “he bathes
in a sea of sharks.”—The father
who neglects his child is said “ to
run through life with a wild donkey
tied to his pigtail.”—The young
wife of an old man is compared to
“the light in a sick bedroom.”—
Their picture of ambition is “a
Mandarin trying to catch a comet,
by putting1 salt on its tail.”—And
mock philanthropv has been de-
scribed by one of their greatest
poets as “ giving a mermaid a pair
of boots.”

NEGATIVE WISDOM.

We never knew a “ Selling off,’-
where the purchasers were not in-
cluded in the Selling.

We never met an English tonr
ist who could drink a glass of
Continental beer without inwardly
regretting it.

We never eat an oyster opened
by an amateur, that didn’t, taste-
like spoilt periwinkle mixed with
gravel w^lk

We never knew a “ plain ’ cook
(by advertisement) who would con-
descend to dress herself as plainly
as her dinners.

We never met a cockney so san-
guine of longevity as to hope to
live to see the river Thames de-
odorised.

We never knew a shop-boy take
to betting, whose “settlements”
did not lead eventually to a penal
one.

And we never knew a London
wife who did not “for the chil-
dren’s sake require change of air
in August.”