Punch / Almanack (1870)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1870.

CULTUBE FOB THE MILLION; OB, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

SWEETNESS AND LIGHT — Cosier. "Any Sparrowg- I beg Pardon—Asparagus, Cook?"

Historical.—The Non-Jurors were persons who, on ac-
count of age and-some other disability,'were excused'from
serving- on juries. .

Overlandish.—By what route the Mother of a Family \ A Word of Cheer.—Would you keep out of trail
should go to India-cannot for,a moment be, a matter of Then persevere in active industry. Put your shoulder I
doubt—Ma Sails, of course ! •-•1 -| the wheel, and you will never have to set your feet on it

HINTS TO TOURISTS.

If you are put with a friend in a double-
bedded room, bear in mind that inside
walls are only, lath and plaster, and that
every word you say will be heard in the
next room. Therefore carry on your con-
versation at the tip-1;op of your voice,
and make as much noise as you can in
packing, and in splashing, and in stump-
ing round your room.

Always give to beggars who waylay
you on the road, and if you know their
language, accompany your gift with a
little stagy speech to the effect that all
we English have more money than we
know how to spend, and it is our duty
when we travel to succour the distressed.
This will mightily encourage the impos-
tors in their trade, and engender a great
nuisance for tourists who are poorer or
less foolish than yourself.

PRIZE CONUNDRUM.

My First is my second,

My Second's my first;
My Third's my best reckon'd,

My Fourth is my worst.
My Whole is a Something, but what I
can't tell,

Because if I did, why then you'd know
as well.

*«* Answer next year.

Musing for the Month.—In August
remember the Grotto when you are out
of Town, and be thankful that you have
no gutter-children getting in your way.
He that ate the first Oyster was hungry ;
the >aw says, bold But to beard the
lion iu his den is one thing; the oyster
in his shell, another.

"I like to read epigrams against us
women," said Mrs Clever. " When a
culprit clanks his chains you know that
they are on him."

Stray Parents.—Lost children are to
be found in most large cities, but in
Paris there are also lost fathers (English)
for whom a place seems to be specially
provided, called the Salle ties Pas perdks

AT THE " ZOO.

■Ureter
!»Inoli
"t'msi

HOUSEHOLD RECIPES,

To Destroy Black Beetles.--Tura id
of fox-hounds into the kitchen,

To Cure Smoky CMmneyt.—XAwim^^
fires. jtsm

to <jet Rid of Ghosts.—Use dta**1iiw
fluid copiously. ijnk.

To Expel Dnj-fyt.-SoskttepW'
fected with the finest dry sherry. ,**>«!

To oet the Servants up earl} i»l ,!i,'fl»j(
Morning.—Send them to bed early^fWn
night. . Hbo

To Revive the Fire. - Tie up the f
door knocker in a white kid gloic, -:1

To prevent the Beer going too •
Possess the key to the mystery.

To avoid Draughts.-Voritb>to*

To destroy MolliS.-Colted InitterW ; 4

How to keep Plate cfca».-W»Wl (J5*it
in silver paper.

How to dispose of Old XewspP'''
them into the brown study.

iim*

A CAROL BY A C?M|
O rest you, merry gentlemen,

Let nothing you dismay;
Bur, miDd you have your purses

Your Christmas bills to pay. ,
And mind you do not feast too i*«

On jovial Christmas cheer:
Or else of gout you '11 get a tort

To gladden the New Tear.

AN OUT IN AVGVSl J,^l

uui ,. the m- \ ?

The harvest 'fJ£$U«m V
exeursioi

Alum Bay,

dance; the mil^--
The bakers an excursion

Languid Swell. '■ Curassow is it ?—Baai Jove :—then I s'pose the other's the—aw— "Yes

Maraschino ! " Clever.

Husbands are always thmbw -n
money. Wives never ask tor » "J
Joey are quite content with a CB,7
dear humble things.
.' f»e Lily of the " Valet.
in your " man's " coat.

Alluding to chignons, M*f £fli£l£Ji
"a'd. "a girl, now, seems/' «T
till you talk to her."!^

■ Ho