Punch / Almanack: Punch / Almanack (1875)

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1875

[December 17, 1874.

ASTRONOMICAL OBSERVATIONS.

Mars is the warlike Planet. _ It is odd, therefore, to find
that “ Mars is retrograde when in opposition,” which implies
that if a man were born under the influence of the Planet
Mars, he would run away in battle.

Venus is the most beautiful of all the Planets, yet in her
transit, in the full light of tire Sun, she appears to be merely
a black spot. The Moral for all Venuses is evident. Verb,
sap.

Jupiter’s Satellites revolve about him at different dis-
tances, and are subject to being
occasionally eclipsed.

Jupiter is a noble Planet; but
what a set of snobs his Satellites
must be.

Saturn shines with a pale dead
light. Compared with Jupiter,
he is nowhere. Yet he has double
the number of Satellites that
Jupiter has. This is accounted
for by the exclusiveness of the
circle in which Jupiter moves.

If Jupiter’s Satellites are snobs,

Saturn’s are both snobs andidiots.

His Royal Highness’s Groom of
the Backstairs has more toadies
about him than has His Royal
Highness himself.

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE
TIME.

Sing a Song of Sixpence
Made into a Pound,

Any way,

Every day,

All the year round.

When your Pounds are many,

Make them make you more ;

Ho not stop,

Keep your shop
Going as before.

Never leave off making
Money while you can :

“ I have most 1 ”

Prouder boast
Can there be for man ?

CREMATION QUERIES.

Might not the sight of our friend’s ashes grate on our
feelings ?

Might not the preservation of the urns of cantankerous
relations perpetuate family jars?

Ought prodigal heirs to be allowed to disperse the
“ dust ” left behind by their ancestors?

Would not the ashes of a fine old crusty uncle be appro-
priately consigned to a bottle that once held Sandeman’s
port?

The best Lubricator for
Railway Carriage Wheels.—
Train Oil.

Art Criticism.—In too many
pictures the colour is Medi—
ocre.

The “ Motherbank.1
Bank of England.

■The

THE SIGNS OP THE ZODIAC.

“Beer is King.’’

Aries, the Ram, sells Allsop in
the Skies.

Taurus, the Bull, the Gods with
Bass supplies.

Gemini, Twins, have Double X
on sale.

Cancer, the Crab, keeps Crow-
ley’s Alton Ale.

Leo, the Lion, offers London
Stout.

Virgo, the Virgin, Wtatney &
Co. serves out.

Libra, the Scales, to Stogumber
inclines.

Scorpio, the Scorpion, most in
Stingo shines.

At Capricorn Llangollen is in
draught.

In Sagittarius Scotch is chiefly
quaffed.

Aquarius is a Temperance Hotel.

Pisces in every kind of drinks
excel.

MEMS. BY A CHINAMANIAC.

Mem.—The Man in the Moon
has telegraphed to say that he is
coming in the middle of next
week to see my Chelsea Shep-
herdess.

Mem.—Not to let her flirt with
him more than I can help.

Mem— Old Jawhins declares
that he can prove that the Great
Wall of China is not Oriental, but
was really baked at Lowestoft.

Mem.—Bet him that his proofs
will show he is half-baked.

Mem.—Not to let that dealer

in Old Worcester give me any 1____

more of his Old Worcester Sauce.

r„5ff-,T°,find, ,ou* somebody wbo will publish my Con-
fessions of a Crackle China Teacup.

beviiithe^next1 f°rgett0finish the firstchapter ere I
Mem.—The best cement for mending broken China is

R°r1SK0SeCl °f r?asted snowballs, mixed with roes of Robin
Redbreasts and pettitoes of Eels

XeapTts^w^n\fP^LTSec°eCRDSTy’S> ** a lot of

puUhemon\eofsigVht.bOUgllt the“’ br“s them home and

FIRESIDE GAMES.

The great want at Christmas is Fireside Games. One
very good one is to bring into the Drawing-room a quantity
of snow, and, S'tting down before the fire, set to work to
make fire-proof snowballs.

Some little knowledge of Chemistry is required for this ;
but perhaps the less the better.

l he Trick Hat is funny too. Take a Visitor's hat, the
better the hat the better the trick. Place it on a chair.
Cover it with a cloth. If there are plenty of people playing
with you. you can ask one of
them to be King, and then let
him sit on the bat; or if you are
all alone, you will sit on it your-
self, and saj7, “Now 1 am King.”
YTou can repeat this as often as
you like to. The finish of the
game is real fun, for in this, of
course, yon will be joined by the
Visitor himself. This part of the
“ Trick Hat Game ” is most
amusing. The Visitor searches
for bis hat everywhere, never
suspecting for a minute that it
is under the cloth on the chair.
When he gets warm, you will
try to divert his attention ; but
when he gets absolutely hot (as
be is pretty sure to do) then it is
best to run away as quickly as
possible, and hide somewhere.

The Moral of this amusing and
instructive game is, “ Hide or
you ’U be Hided.”

Another capital Game is the
Egg in the Tail-coat Pocket.
This is a companion to the Sum -
mer Game of the Ripe Straw-
berry and the White Ducks.
This last is most simple. In-
duce someone to wear white
ducks, i.e., white trowsers. Put
a Strawberry on a chair without
bis having seen it. While engaged
in conversation with a third party
push the chair towards him, and
politely request him to sit down.
He will wonder what lias hap-
pened ; you won’t.

The Stickler.—Take a good thick
stick, or a sharp switch, and hit
somebody till he laughs. When
he laughs, be loses the Game,
and you go in. This also is
simple. A cane will serve all the
purpose.

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE
TIME.

There was a Man of Newington
And he was wondrous wise,—
He failed for Twenty Thousand
Pounds

To everyone’s surprise.

But after that he did not do
As he had done before,—

He failed, as quickly as be could,
For Forty Thousand more.

AN ALARMING INTRUDER.

Little Boldwig (he had been dining with his Company, and had let himself in with liis latchkey—to Gigantic
stranger he finds in his hall). “ Come on. I ’ll fight you ! ” (Furiously.) “ Pax your Shtick down ! I ”

\_But his imaginary foe teas only the new Umbrella-Stand—a present from Mrs. B. !

Mixing up Things.—It was a
very pardonable confusion of
ideas in a Lady, who gave up
much of her time and thoughts
to dress and novel-reading, to
say that she had been delighted
with “ The Princess of Tulle."

Science made Easy. —Go to a
County ball, and mark bow the
little people are all attracted by
the great people, if you wish to
understand what magualeism is.

Reflection on a Placard.—
“ Chops and steaks on the short-
est notice ”—better still, on i he
gridiron.

Christmas Game for Mr.
Gladstone.—Pope.

“Social Pressure.”—Shaking
hands.

Special Trains.—Very long
dresses.

A Thought in Oxford Street.—The Poet is not alone in
his use of “apt alliteration’s artful aid.” The spirited
Draper relies equally on its subtle influence when he allures
the public, by the medium of large placards, to his “ Sum-
mer sale of surplus stock.”

A Distinction with an Immense Difference.— The
Local Board is only to be found in some towns ; the locally
bored in all.

Materia Musica.—A Lady being asked what was the best
wood for Pianos, replied, without hesitation—Broadwood.

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.

Our Butcher will decora’e bis
prize beef and mutton with gor-
geous favours and rosettes.

Our distinguished military ac-
quaintance, Lieut.-General Sir
Sampson Wingerfield, B.C.G,
I.S.C.K.. G.M.C.K., will decorate his martial bi'east with
his various stars and ribbons.

Our Cook and Housemaid will decorate the Kitchen w.tn
Holly and—Mistletoe.

Our fantastic friend, Mrs. Dossington Dollingcourt,
will decorate her cheeks with a little artificial colour.

Our eldest unmarried Daughter will assist the Ret.
Nazianzenus Smylax in decorating bis distriet Church.

Our youngest will be decorated with blue ribbons.

Our table will be decorated with Punch’s Pocket Book
and Punch’s Almanack.