Punch (7.1844)

46

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

•wn the chastity of female virtue, so that hy casting shame upon
innocence, I may open the prison door to murder.

Your affectionate friend,

Thomas Brassby.

P.S. Congratulate me. T have just received my maiden brief : a
case against a sempstress, for illegally pawning a shirt.

THE LUCIFER MATCH AND THE LUCIFER TONGUE.

At the Chelmsford assizes, a boy of nine years old, has been found
guilty of firing a barn. John Hardy, aged eleven, was also con-
victed of firing a stack of straw. At Huntingdon, Samuel Baxter,
aged ten, was sentenced to fifteen years' transportation for a like
crime. These offences are verv dreadful—very. We are shocked
at the powers of mischief which the Lucifer match places in the
hands of the reckless and malignant. Terrible is it to contemplate
blazing stacks of hay, and straw, and wheat—most terrible to imagine
the savage satisfaction gleaming in the eyes of a starved, and there-
fore sullen and revengeful peasantry. However, the evil-doers are
caught, arraigned, and sentenced ; and little would it avail them if,
in the dock, they were to make the most contrite, yea, abject apology
for their wickedness. The crime, they might declare, was accom-
plished in an idle, reckless, or passionate moment ; and therefore
they humbly begged pardon of judge, and jury, and of the directors
of the offices insuring the destroyed property,—and so, having apolo-
gised, the culprits might trust that nothing more would be said of the
matter. Alas ! such apology benefits not the incendiary with the
Lucifer match ; he is not permitted to " explain," but is inevitably
transported.

How different the fate of the incendiary with the Lucifer Tongue !
He may idly, passionately, malignantly apply his combustible to th<=■
character of any man ; he may in the House of Commons—beneath
that awful roof where laws are made to restrain and punish the
vindictive and ferocious passions of men —he may there, in his place
and solemn function of statute-maker, cast fire about him,-—and
when caught in the fact, when become an object of most unenviable
attention—he may apologise for his inadvertence ; he may declare
that he meant nothing ; that he is very sorry if he have used his
Lucifer Tongue to the inconvenience of any gentleman, and there-
fore hopes that his accidental use of the brimstone will be looked
over. Great is the privilege allowed to the Lucifer Tongue,— but
vroe to the errings of the Lucifer Match ! Is it not so, good Mr.
Wodemouse ? The Lucifer Tongue may "apologise," and the
Lucifer Match is transported.

£l Kew Excitement.

Wk see by the papers that a " The dansanie " was given a few days
ago by Lady Yarde Bulxer A "The dansante"—or, in plain English,
a dancing Tea ! What an awful rattling of cups and saucers ! It must
have been almost as bad as our old friend, Baron Nathan, among the
new laid eggs at Tivoli.

We have heard of a leg of mutton and capers, but never did we hear
of cafe mix entrechats. This affair seems to have been a sort of Tea and
turn-out—the turning-out being applicable to the toes of the visitors.

literary intelligence.
A work is, we understand, in preparation to be called The Calnm-
niator'g Guide, or Every Man his own Apologist. It will contain copious
directions for backing out of slanderous assertions, and will be dedicated
to Ma. WoDEHOCSK.

THIRTY SECONDS' ADVICE TO A CABMAM.

My Good Feliow,

Your being a cab-driver is no reason why yon should be dishonest
and impertinent, or even express yourself improperly ; pray, therefore,
take these few words of advice as to your conduct and demeanour.

When a gentleman hails you, do not cry out " Here you are, sir !M
What you mean to say is, " Here 1 am, sir " To tell a gentleman that he
is where you are, is nonsense ; unless, when he addresses you as " Cab !"
you mean to reply that he is another, and then it is impudent. Say,
simply, " Here, sir I " which is both concise and civil.

in soliciting for employment, pronounce the word, cab. according to its
orthography ; that is, as it is spelt, c-a-b—cab, and not as if it were,
k-e-b—keb. Your brethren almost invariably cry, " Keb, sir ! " " Kebr
sir !" There is no such word as keb in the English language ; you annoy
the correct ear exceedingly by using it ; and besides, you set a bad
example to youth, who learn to imitate the inaccuracy.

Abstain, while on your stand, from flourishing your whip in the face of
everybody who passes you. By this gesture you often needlessly inter-
rupt a train of reflection, and discompose a philosopher.

When you are desired to drive to such a place, go there by the neareai
way. Endeavour to do your duty rather than your fare.

" PI.EASF., SIR, IS THIS THE BAKK ? "

"no, >i' f M,-THIS ERE's TVKn'vM GREEN ! *

In making your charge, recollect that there are 1760 yards, not less, be
a mile ; and that miles are to be multiplied by eightpence, not one shil-
ling. At all events, try whether you cannot, now and then, for once or
so in the way, receive your just due without grumbling for more, and
being abusive if it is not given you.

If it is not really too much trouble to you, mind, a little, "here you are
driving. If you see a child or old woman in your way, you may as well
cry out before you run over them. Should they not hear you, you might
even slacken your pace a little.

When any" sort of property happens to have been left in your cab, it
will not be amiss, provided it is not exceedingly valuable, to take it to the
Hackney Coach Office, or to the place at which you set your fare down.
Honesty is not altogether ridiculous, and may sometimes prove worth aj
much as a crown to you.

These hints, my good fellow, are kindly meant by your possible fare,

" SHAVING THE LADIES/'
One of the tricks, it seems, of the haberdashery trade, » a process de-
nominated "Shaving the Ladies;" but which would have been much
better termed, simply, imposing upon the ladies. This operation is per
formed by an assistant, and consists in persuading a lady to give ecme
three or four shillings more for an article than the price marked upon it.
We now see the reason why the sign of the Golden Fleece is suspended
in front of so many draoers' establishments.