Punch (8.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

167

Looked in at the window and saw several of the soldiers with unpaid
bills before them, tearing the hair frantically off their helmets.
Observed one of the sergeants send out a picquet, consisting of
one mar, with several pairs of boots and some swords. Watched
the picquet to the pawnbroker's. Saw the pawnbroker relieving the
guard. This was dorse by the pawnbroker relieving the guard of
the load he had got with him. Witness is sure the soldier laid down
his arms: immediately after which, the swords were all drawn—up
a spout, and witness saw no more of them."

Among the other evidence will be found that of one of the soldiers,
whose testimony unfortunately removes all possibility of doubt as
to the insolvent condition of the regiment ; the trooper states, that
instead of the officers having a mess to themselves, the regiment has
long been in a mess altogether. That he, the trooper, has often
mounted guard on nothing but a " baked tatur," and several of his
comrades have dropped down on parade in a state of exhaustion.

That the regiment could not do duty at the Palace, but the porter
was pestered with applications to deliver little bills into the hands of
the soldiery. We understand that the following recommendations
have been made by the military board entrusted with the investiga-
tion of this painful subject:—

1st. That the Blues should endeavour to find employment as su-
pernumeraries at the theatres, and that the money received should be
paid to the treasurer of the regiment.

2nd. That when the band plays in public a corporal should go
round with a helmet to collect halfpence.

3rd. That in cases where the Blues are employed at a review, a
subscription should be made on the ground for the benefit of the
regiment.

4th. That the officers should resort to Masdeu and Marsala at the
mess, instead of the wines hitherto brought to table.

5th. That the entire regiment should turn into money all the
gold lace on its coats, and wear worsted, by way of epaulettes, for
the next three years.

V\"e trust that by rigidly carrying out these arrangements, the
regiment may yet be restored to solvency and respectability.

OFFICERS GOING TO A MESS.

the FORCE OF negligence.

From the inefficiency of the " Detective " Police Force in discovering
t perpetrator of any crime, it is the intention, we believe, to alter their
i to the more appropriate one of the " Defective Fob.cs,"

HINTS ON COSTUME TO THE GATE-KEEPERS OP
ST. JAMES'S PARK.

As nobody has a right to be admitted into St. James's Park in his
working dress, we print by (our own) authority, the following directions
for the guidance of the gate-keepers.

Brown paper caps are inadmissible in any case, as decidedly proclaim
Lng either the carpenter and joiner, plumber and glazier, carver and
gilder, printer, or other wretch who would pollute the atmosphere of St.
James's.

Fur caps are questionable, as raising a suspicion of pot-boy, in which
case the wearer must be questioned as to whether he is a pot-boy or not,
and if he stammers or hesitates, by no means to be let in. Cloth caps
also, must be closely scrutinised, and if shabby, excluded, as denoting the
errand or news-boy. Tassels and feathers, however, are to frank caps,
being badges of youthful gentility. Discretion must be exercised as to
the four-and-ninepenny Gossamer.

Shooting-jackets, velveteen or fustian, are to be turned back, unless
they manifestly belong to a sportsman ; though no sportsman has,
strictly speaking, any business in St. James's Park, notwithstanding its
wildfowl. If out at elbows, it is probably the working dress of some
poor artist or author ; and cannot pass.

The blue frock is a clear case of butcher, and must be repelled with
indignation ; as must also the smock-frock, which proclaims the carter or
drayman ; but care must be taken not to confound this with the blouse,
lest an indignity should be offered to a foreign Prince.

Corduroys are to be rejected, except in the shape of knee shorts, and
in combination with top-boots and other attributes of the good old English
gentleman.

The gatekeepers should be mindful to survey all persons demanding
entrance from top to toe, as Cantabs, Oxonians, and other young
gentlemen of fashion, sometimes, for what is termed " a lark," wear hats
which might be confounded with dustmen's or waggoners'. The fantail,
therefore, is not to exclude, unless accompanied by leather leggings, or
black half-gaiters, with worsted stockings and ankle-jacks.

Doubtful cases may occur, in which a working dress may be in the first
style of fashion ; as in those of members of the "swell mob." In such
with respect to the admissibility of the candidate, it will be best to take
the opinion of the policeman.

PUNCH ON THE GALVANIC RING.

All persons afflicted with imaginary diseases are earnestly re^fc\-
mended by Punch to try a Galvanic ring. It signifies not whose ring/^*;
of the large variety advertised, they may select, since the virtues of all
are equal. These rings consist of a thin wire of zinc, soldered to -
similar wire of copper ; hence the quantity of galvanism they generate
is next to nothing ; certainly much less than that produced by a sixpence
and a half sovereign lying in contact in a gentkman's waistcoat pocket.
Its exact amount it would be difficult to compute, as the galvanic fluid has
no weight: but giving a rough guess, we should say that it may be about
the decillionth part of a suspicion. The tremendous effects on the system
of this strong homoeopathic amount of galvanism passing through the
little finger may be conceived. But to quiet alarm, we may state that
none whatever of this frightful torrent of galvanism, developed by the
ring, passes through the finger at alL To be affected by galvanism, it is
ntcessary that the part to be galvanised should lie between two opposite
galvanic poles or extremities ; now, as the finger is inside the ring, the
galvanism is outside the finger. Thus, the finger is to the galvanic fluid
as a person standing on the Isle of Dogs is to the fluid in the Thames.
With what power an inappreciable force, ineffectually applied to the
extremity of the body, must act in the cure of such a complaint as
theumatism, is obvious. In all positive diseases the Galvanic ring will
afford a negative relief; and those who have nothing the matter with
them may confidently depend on being cured by it.

for the court circular.
Mr. Benjamin D'Israeli didn't take out Master Robert Peel for au
airing last week, but will do so on the very first opportunity. Master
Robert is anxiously looking out for the promised holiday.

royaj. patronage of art.
Ik order to secure this valuable blessing, artists have agreed to sell
thier pictures at ten times Lelow their value.