Punch (7.1844)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

37

LETTER VI.

answer from the actress's father to the very young

gentleman.

Sir,

You are either a madman or a fool. I have to inform you
that I usually carry a stout stick. Any more letters to my daughter,
and you may become acquainted with it. Should you, however, be
beyond my power of chastisement, there is a certain gentleman, to
whom, on the advice of my daughter, I have only to show your letter,
and he will commission his footman to thrash you as your imperti-
nence deserves.

Your obedient Servant.

Thestis Burntcork.

P£. In future I shall keep my eye upon the third row of the pit.

CULINARY INTELLIGENCE.

We fee by the papers that " M. Soter (the cook) remains at the Reform
Club, with the confidence of the members, if possible, increased." We
happen to know that the increase of confidence has been immense, for a
member who orders a chop no longer makes any observation as to how
he would like it done, but leaves it entirely to the discretion of M. Soyer.
We understand that the chef de cuisine is so extremely sensitive that lie
has been known to shed tears if a person ordering a basin of mutton broth
has asked for the pepper, because the mere demand seems to throw a
doubt on M. Soyer's f>owers of seasoning. At a recent house-dinner, a
member of the committee held in his hand the resignation of M. Soyer,
which was ,to have been peremptorily given in if a new arrangement of
beef collops had been in the smallest degree objected to. By some this .
step may be regarded as unconstitutional ; and it is probable that M. Soyer j
had in his remembrance the extreme step taken by Earl Grey to ensure
the passing of the Reform Bill, when he caused it to be given out that he
had in his pocket a carte blanche for the creation of Peers. The collops,
however, on coming to a division, were perfectly successful, and their
principle unanimously approved.

We understand that M. Soyer has a few young gentlemen reading with
him, as pupils, in his chambers ; and that one of them, who is studying for
the made-dish department, corresponding to what, in the legal profession,
would be called the chancery, is likely to rise to culinary eminence. On
the simple joint-side of the kitchen, or rather the common law of cookery,
there is not so much scope for genius.

Punch's Visit to the Ttfew Houses of Parliament.

Pc?»cH having determined to pay a visit to the New Houses of Parlia-
ment, proceeded thither without attendants in a public cab, and having
reached the entrance to the works, he found no one in readiness to receive
him. Having kicked for some minutes against the wooden hoarding with-
out effect, he went round to the Victoria Tower, where a policeman was
in waiting, who did not seem at all prepared for Punch's visit, and the
*' authority " consequently took no notice of the illustrious visiter. Punch
therefore satisfied himself with measuring the width of the carriage
entrance, which he discovered to be nine feet four inches, and as the state
carriage happens to be nine feet six inches wide, he begs leave to ask—
by way of a sum in division—how many times the state carriage may
be expected to go into the Victoria Tower, and how much will remain
over. The top of the Tower also, on measurement, appears to be nine
feet six, while the bottom is only nine feet four, and as it is a rule of gra-
vitation that the greater weight must crush the lower, Punch will be glad
to know when the top of the Tower may be expected to reach the bottom ?

THE BLESSING OF BAD HEALTH.

A short time ago the English and Irish papers rang with the
musical name of O'Driscoll, a gentleman of exceeding bad health,
and with temper to match, who, for certain peculiarities, was removed
by Ministers from the magistracy. O'Drtscoi.l had a taste tor
tyranny beyond even the ordinary stomach of a thorough-going
Irishman "in the peace," and he was unwillingly sacrificed to the
indignation of the country. The scales were taken from the hand
better strung to wield a shillelah : and, in brief, O'Driscoll was
banished to the decent obscurity of private life.

And now, within a few short months, O'Driscoll is again a
magistrate '.

" Ask ye, Boeotian shades, the reason why ? "

In the first place, sundry good-natured souls have petitioned for
his restoration ; and, secondly, it is averred that " his health" is now
sufficiently amended to enable him to decently perform his magiste-
rial functions : all his former eccentricities being clearly referable to
a bodily ailment. He has really carried out the vain promise of
Faintaff—has "lived cleanly," and is therefore again fitted for the
bench.

And do we object to this charitable construction of the causes of
human infirmity ? Assuredly not. On the contrary, we hail it as au
evidence of enlarged benevolence—of increasing philosophy. We
consider it as beautifully illustrative of the fact that the Prime
Minister was called in as a "Doctor" to watch over the condition of
the state. All, however, we require, is an impartial operation of the
principle. If Mr. O'Driscoll's previous bad behaviour was nothing
but bad digestion, why should not O'Connell be permitted to plead
derangement of stomach for his agitation in the cause of destitute
Ireland ? Why should not even Sir James Graham be allowed to
defend his Post-Office malpractices on a superabundance of bile ?
Why should not poorness of blood sufficiently excuse the act of those
hon. members who voted on both sides on the Sugar Bill ? We are
willing that O'Driscot.l should be saved by the temporary derange-
ment of his nerves—but then we must exact the like charitable
indulgence for all parties. Why, indeed, should the authors and
defenders of the Poor Law bear so much really unmerited obloquy,
when they are not morally culpable I When they might show that
the measure originated in no moral obliquity, but in nothing more
than a bodily disease—as O'Driscoll would say, a mere ossification
of the heart ?

It is by no means fair that Barber's medical man was not ex-
amined on the trial to show the condition of his patient's health
when Fletcher tempted him in re Stack. Proved indigestion
might, otherwise, have saved the culprit ; and, as in the case of
O'Driscoll, he might by this time have been labouring in his old
office. O'Driscoll, committing all sorts of enormities in the very
weakness of delicate health, is cashiered from the bench. He is,
however, convalescent, and is therefore restored to the commission.
Who could have thought there was such intimate connexion between
Justice and Blue Pill ?

Henceforth, we think, a certain number of physicians should be
appointed to sit with the judges ; and, in lieu of the old interrogative
"Guilty," or "Not Guilty," the sworn physician, addressing the
accused, should simply say—

" Show the bench your tongue ! "

Indeed, after the restoration of O'Driscoll, we cannot well imagine
the justice of any other ordeal.

ARCADIAN SIMPLICITY.

Constoerable inconvenience is experienced by the occasional visiters of
the Opera in consequence of the recently-erected Watch-box of the Beadle
of the Opera Arcade, which is so constructed that it looks very like an
extra pit door, and a crowd frequently collects round it, in the expectation
that it will be opened at the usual hour. A few evenings ago, when the
public were being admitted at the regular pit door, the most tremendous
indignation was manifested against the watch-box, and there were loud
cries of " shame" vented on the management for not opening at the same
time all the places of ingress to the Theatre. One night last week the
Beadle had fallen asleep over a cup of tea in his box, and he was only
roused by the violent kickings of an excited mob, who, on his looking
through the round glass hole, assailed him with the most vehement exe-
crations. The unhappy official continued for some hours in a state of
blockade, and was ultimately rescued by the shopkeepers, who cam*
forward to explain the mistake that the crowd had fallen into.