Punch (7.1844)

38

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

i who would ensnare you ; and, forgetful of tlie cares and littlenesses
PUNCH'S COMPLETE LETTER-WRiTER, of marriage, give up all your thoughts to astronomy. It is a charm-

_ ing study, and presents a more ennobling field for the human mind

than the small limits of wedlock. How insignificant seems the wife.
^ 1 A • studious of the goings-out and comings-in of a mere husband, compared

from a maiden aunt to a niece, on the imprudence of to the nobler woman who knows all about the Great and Little Bear:

marriage How petty the noblest house in the noblest square, to the House of

Jupiter or Mars—how perplexing the cares of children to the lofty
contemplation of the Via Lactea (known, as Doctor Prunes says,
to the lower orders as the Milky Way) ;—how insulting to the true
greatness of the female mind the smallness of the wedding-ring,
when the ring of Saturn may be all her own, with no incumbrance
of Saturn himself !

Or if, Claribel, you want enthusiasm for the stars, why is there
not geology ? Properly considered, can there be a more delightful
employment for the female mind than to settle the ages of things
that vulgar souls care nothing about ? Who would not turn from
the cries of a nursery, to the elevating sounds of felspar and quartz 1
What really great woman would study the mere heart of a mere
man, when she might discover fossil shrimps and caterpillars in
marble? No. Woman will never assert her true dignity till she
can wisely choose between the two.

Then, after some ten or fifteen years—for it is a study too rashly
submitted to the young—botany may disclose its lovely mysteries,
liow delightful, what true freedom for the human soul, to be exempt
from cares of husband and family, and to know everything about
the operations of pollen ! But I am incautiously anticipating a sub-
ject reserved for your maturer years.

Break, then, the chains with which mere tyrant man would bind
I should ill acquit myself of he duties arid_defving the slavery of conjugal life-live like Diana,

-■-• of an aunt—should show myselt wickedly un- ■ °

grateful for the goodness that has hitherto And your still affectionate Aunt,

preserved me from the cares and frivolities of the marriage-state— Lucretia Dragon mouth.

were I to see you, my sister's child, ready to throw yourself into a p s Is ;t true that the wife of Doctor Beetlebrow is really

bottomless pit, and never so much as scream to save you. It was dead, T wouldn>t utter a word against the departed ; I should hope

•only yesterday that Doctor Prunes acquainted me with your not j)ut_j3 sne really dead ?

headstrong passion for an unworthy creature of a man. Although

I had grouse for dinner—and you know how I love it !—I never ate _

so little ; and, in the evening, revoked twice in only three rubbers.

What with the news of Doctor Prunes and the tooth-ache, I have LETTFR XVI

scarcely slept all night, and at breakfast, instead of buttered toast,

absolutely gave chicken to the parrot. May you, even at the twelfth the niece's answer,

hour, prove worthy of all I suffer for you ! My De^r Aunt>

, ,, , ' . , . . ,, How can I ever express my gratitude to you, now repav

You are only three-and twenty, and yet with a forwardness that th(j care ^ which geek tQ hjfr ^ tQ fchat 8igterhood of which

makes me blush for the true dignity of womanhood, you already LucRETIA Dragonmout„ is Che crowning rose! Alas, madam !• I

think of marriage! I had hoped that my lessons of morality would feel un worthiness ! I should but bring a scandal on the

have taught you better things. I had flattered myself that, strength- communit b the frivolity of my words and the earthliness of my

ened by my principles, you would have risen above the too common degires j faave thg test "ect for DlANA but feel it imposaible

weakness that unites a woman to a creature in every way inferior
to herself, whatever the said creatures, in the fulness of their impu-
dence, may trumpet to the contrary. I do not dispute that men may
be necessary in the world ; but, at the best, they are only necessary
evils. It is thus that every really sensible woman should consider
them. In the vulgar attribute of brutes—mere muscular strength—
they are certainly our superiors ; but how immeasurably beneath us
are they in all that constitutes true greatness—in delicacy, liberality,
tenderness, friendship, fortitude, and taciturnity ! And, in their
hypocrisy, they confess as much ; for they call us angels—(though, I
am proud to say, no man ever so insulted my understanding)—yes,
angels, that they may make us slaves. How any woman can read
the marriage ceremony without having her eyes opened to the real
intentions of the creatures, is to me most wonderful. Love, honour,
and obey ! My blood burns to think of it ! To the ears of a sensible

to become lady's-maid to her. Therefore, dear Aunt, you must even
leave me to my headlong fate ; and unbroken rest, heartier meals,
and successful rubbers, be your continual reward.

It would ill become my inexperience to dispute the sentence you
pass upon the other sex. Men are, doubtless, all you say of them :
therefore, forewarned by your opinion, I shall endeavour to support
the necessary evil that may fall to my lot with all the fortitude I may.
As for the marriage ceremony, I have read it again and again, and—
such is the hopeless perversity of my taste—think it the loveliest
composition ! To my ears, it murmurs the very music of Paradise.

I feel the full force of what you say about astronomy. No doubt,
its study might relieve a wounded heart, but then as I feel no wound
that is not most delicious, why should I go to the stars to get rid of
it ? Yes, madam, I can forgive your talking about the stars. You

woman every syllable rattles like a dog-chain. | have never seen my Alfred's eyes ! No doubt the Great and Little

I did think that my own Claribel—taught by my precept and
example — would as soon have put her finger into a rat-trap as a
wedding-ring. I did believe that you would consider all the fine
things that men utter as nothing more than the false notes of a bird-
catcher ; mere sounds to bring our free minds " from the heaven of
high thoughts," as some poet says, and shut 'em up in cages. How
women can listen to a jargon of loves and doves, is melancholy to
think of. A woman of really strong mind hates Cupids as she hates
cockroaches.

Nevertheless, my dear, I can sympathise with human infirmity.
Everybody is not born to keep a heart of virgin ice that, pressed as j Claribel Maydew.

it may be, no pressing can melt. Still, there is nothing like a diver-
sion of thought to cure a hurt. It is wonderful how a wound heals, j P. S. It is not true that Mrs. Beetlebrow is dead ; though once
if we never think of it. Therefore, return his letters to the man j she was given over by her physicians. Ha, my dear Aunt! how

Bear have their attractions ; but you never saw my Alfred's
moustache !

Geology, too, may be fascinating. It may be musical to talk of
felspar and quartz ; to seek for fossil bees that made honey for the
pre-Adamites ; but you never heard my Alfred sing Love in tJii^t
Eyes—you never felt the pressure of his throbbing hand I

As for botany, I really feel its influence in a manner I never felt
before ; for I am just now called to choose my bridal wreath of orange
flowers, and must therefore abruptly conclude—

Your affectionate Niece,