DOI issue:
July to December, 1854
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16614#0052
44
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE PROTECTOR OP THE PRINCIPALITIES.
The following announcement, according to a contem-
porary, has been made by the Czar :
" To all official documents published in the Principalities in which the
name of the Empebor Nicholas occurs, the words Protector of the
Principalities must he added."
Our own correspondent informs us that Nicholas has
vouchsafed to explain the nature of his Protectorate in the
proclamation subjoined:
Inhabitants of the Danubian Principalities.—In the pro-
secution of my mighty scheme of universal empire, I have
thought proper to begin by taking you under my protection,
that protection which I purpose extending to sll the nations
of the earth.
I shall protect yon from the evils arising from excess of
food, bv sending soldiers among you to destroy those crops
with which your ground is encumbered, and whereof the
harvest imposes so heavy a task upon you.
My armies shall protect your souls from the tyranny
exercised by Avarice over most persons who have great
possessions, by relieving you of most of your money and
goods, and nearly everything you possess. They shall pro-
tect your bodies from cold by the conflagrations which
they will kindle in retreating (that is feigning to retreat)
before the heathen enemy.
My soldiers of the Cross, combating against the enemies
of Christianity for the orthodox faith, shall protect your
wives, your daughters, your sisters, from yourselves.
" Non confundar in sstemum."
Nicholas.
Wooden Bullets and Wooden Walls.
A Correspondent of the Daily News says that a great
part of the walls of the fortress of Cronstadt are "merely
wood painted to look like granite." If it is only a fight
then between walls, surely ours ought to win the day; more
especially, when we know that Russian bullets are also
PROGRESS OF CIVILISATION. made of Vood —to match we suppose, then walls. How
much longer (may we ask Loud Aberdeen) are the
Ramoneur (on Donkey). "Fitch us out another Pen'north o' Strawberry Ice, "Wooden Walls" of Old England to be thus mocked by
with a Dollop of Lemon Water in it." the "Wooden Walls of Russia."
AS CLEAR AS CRYSTAL I
Yes, Mr. Laing—as clear and unwrinkled, quite—your open, spark-
ling account of the ledger condition of the Crystal 'Palace, as made
and delivered to Crystal Shareholders in particular, and to the
world in general. The Gresham Grasshopper might have been heard
by the fine, monetary ear, to give a blithe chirp at debtor and creditor
account; and the spirit of Croaker—a spirit that, it is its function,
pervades all things for a time—been heard to squeak like a rat in a trap
at the manifest, declared prosperity of the Crystal Glory that, like unto
prismatic soap-bubble,_ was to shine awhile, and then, bubble-like,
break and vanish. Nevertheless, Croaker is a serviceable agent,
though a spirit " least erect." Old as the hills, and in defiance of a
thousand rebuffs, Croaker is still as active and vigorous, as when he
took an invisible place in the Ark, and declared the world's vessel in no
way seaworthy; but—the thing had been so hastily built; the wood
was so green, and the pitch of the most crude and irretentive quality
—but that world's ship must founder, go irrevocably to the bottom.
She was too long in the back, too narrow in the beam, and go she must!
It proved otherwise. And then Croaker—what was the spirit's
name in the days before the Deluge we know not, but our haphazard
rendering of it is Croaker the familiar—leaving the Ark, with the
creeping things, groaned at the miry earth; foretelling the utter
annihilation of corn-seed, vine-stocks, lentils. The whole world was a
world of mud; and—hapless race of man !—there was nought left for the
kind, but to stick in it. Nevertheless, Croaker, in due season, ate
best wheaten bread, drank delicious wine, and comforted his still-
doubting stomach with mess of savoury pottage.
And from the flood downwards, Croaker has been among men
chuckling at unborn disaster, and rubbing his thin, dry bauds at calamity
that never comes ! In that year of human presumption, 1851, was not
Croaker ever present in Hyde Park, hugging himself, as the Crystal
Palace rose—hugging himself with the thought of its certain destruc-
tion ? The wind would enter the Palace, a very high, tall wind would
some day enter that huge mountain of brittleness, and—like the effect
of a hurricane entering an umbrella—like an umbrella, it would be
turned inside out! Croaker's thin blood warmed, and his sharp,
pointed ears were pricked with the future music of the warning crash !
Crystal Palace ? Wait for the first high wind, and you will have a
Crystal Chaos.
It was very provoking—but who, in the name of novelty, could have
foreseen it ? ' The Crystal Innovation did not tumble in—neither was
it blown out: but, its purpose accomplished, was soberly taken to
pieces, bit by bit, and there it is, or nearly all of it, shining and glisten-
ing the Crystal Crown of Sydenham Hill. Nevertheless, the thing
will not do. It is too far from the resort of civilised men. London
will never undertake such a long, tedious, time-consuming pilgrimage.
Had it been built up again on Battersea flat, there might have been
just a forlorn hope of its success. But Sydenham Hill! As well pitch
the building on Salisbury Plain. This time Croaker is really com-
forted. There was a chance for the folly of 1851—but what can be
hoped for the Insanity of 1854 ? Nevertheless, Sir Joseph Paxton
is not only at large; but is to be seen everywhere going about—and
sometimes in half-a-dozen places at once—without a keeper.
And now, Mr. Laing delivers his Crystal-clear account of the
directors' stewardship ; and Croaker bites his thumb, disgusted and
disappointed ! People—but then they are all insane—by tens and
twenties of thousands, betake themselves to the Crystal Palace; and
what is more, going once, they must go twice; going twice, they are
compelled to go three times; going thrice, it becomes in them a fixed,
determined idea to go as often as life and its duties will permit them.
A mad world, my masters—cries Croaker, whom here we leave—
" Mad world, and Crystal Bedlam ! "
Mr. Laing, having disposed of his bright array of figures—for the
accounts were clear as the fabric whereof they were the numeral
representatives—did not attempt to disguise from the perilled share-
holders the fact of an alarming opposition. The Crystal Palace of
Sydenham was to be opposed by a Crystal Bear-Garden at Walworth .
The teetotallers, all wormwood at the thoughts of the bitter beer on
tap in the Crystal Palace, had resolved to purchase—nay, had purchased
the Surrey Zoological Gardens, and were determined to let loose the
lions on the bacchanals of Sydenham ! Alligators were already on their
passage to strengthen the crocodile interest, and a live mermaid
secured, who would, of course, appear without her customary glass.
There is moreover an abandoned, rum-addicted mandril at the
Gardens at the present hour—it is said, much given to alcoholic fasci-
nations, (for evidence of which, see his red cheeks) being ready at any
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE PROTECTOR OP THE PRINCIPALITIES.
The following announcement, according to a contem-
porary, has been made by the Czar :
" To all official documents published in the Principalities in which the
name of the Empebor Nicholas occurs, the words Protector of the
Principalities must he added."
Our own correspondent informs us that Nicholas has
vouchsafed to explain the nature of his Protectorate in the
proclamation subjoined:
Inhabitants of the Danubian Principalities.—In the pro-
secution of my mighty scheme of universal empire, I have
thought proper to begin by taking you under my protection,
that protection which I purpose extending to sll the nations
of the earth.
I shall protect yon from the evils arising from excess of
food, bv sending soldiers among you to destroy those crops
with which your ground is encumbered, and whereof the
harvest imposes so heavy a task upon you.
My armies shall protect your souls from the tyranny
exercised by Avarice over most persons who have great
possessions, by relieving you of most of your money and
goods, and nearly everything you possess. They shall pro-
tect your bodies from cold by the conflagrations which
they will kindle in retreating (that is feigning to retreat)
before the heathen enemy.
My soldiers of the Cross, combating against the enemies
of Christianity for the orthodox faith, shall protect your
wives, your daughters, your sisters, from yourselves.
" Non confundar in sstemum."
Nicholas.
Wooden Bullets and Wooden Walls.
A Correspondent of the Daily News says that a great
part of the walls of the fortress of Cronstadt are "merely
wood painted to look like granite." If it is only a fight
then between walls, surely ours ought to win the day; more
especially, when we know that Russian bullets are also
PROGRESS OF CIVILISATION. made of Vood —to match we suppose, then walls. How
much longer (may we ask Loud Aberdeen) are the
Ramoneur (on Donkey). "Fitch us out another Pen'north o' Strawberry Ice, "Wooden Walls" of Old England to be thus mocked by
with a Dollop of Lemon Water in it." the "Wooden Walls of Russia."
AS CLEAR AS CRYSTAL I
Yes, Mr. Laing—as clear and unwrinkled, quite—your open, spark-
ling account of the ledger condition of the Crystal 'Palace, as made
and delivered to Crystal Shareholders in particular, and to the
world in general. The Gresham Grasshopper might have been heard
by the fine, monetary ear, to give a blithe chirp at debtor and creditor
account; and the spirit of Croaker—a spirit that, it is its function,
pervades all things for a time—been heard to squeak like a rat in a trap
at the manifest, declared prosperity of the Crystal Glory that, like unto
prismatic soap-bubble,_ was to shine awhile, and then, bubble-like,
break and vanish. Nevertheless, Croaker is a serviceable agent,
though a spirit " least erect." Old as the hills, and in defiance of a
thousand rebuffs, Croaker is still as active and vigorous, as when he
took an invisible place in the Ark, and declared the world's vessel in no
way seaworthy; but—the thing had been so hastily built; the wood
was so green, and the pitch of the most crude and irretentive quality
—but that world's ship must founder, go irrevocably to the bottom.
She was too long in the back, too narrow in the beam, and go she must!
It proved otherwise. And then Croaker—what was the spirit's
name in the days before the Deluge we know not, but our haphazard
rendering of it is Croaker the familiar—leaving the Ark, with the
creeping things, groaned at the miry earth; foretelling the utter
annihilation of corn-seed, vine-stocks, lentils. The whole world was a
world of mud; and—hapless race of man !—there was nought left for the
kind, but to stick in it. Nevertheless, Croaker, in due season, ate
best wheaten bread, drank delicious wine, and comforted his still-
doubting stomach with mess of savoury pottage.
And from the flood downwards, Croaker has been among men
chuckling at unborn disaster, and rubbing his thin, dry bauds at calamity
that never comes ! In that year of human presumption, 1851, was not
Croaker ever present in Hyde Park, hugging himself, as the Crystal
Palace rose—hugging himself with the thought of its certain destruc-
tion ? The wind would enter the Palace, a very high, tall wind would
some day enter that huge mountain of brittleness, and—like the effect
of a hurricane entering an umbrella—like an umbrella, it would be
turned inside out! Croaker's thin blood warmed, and his sharp,
pointed ears were pricked with the future music of the warning crash !
Crystal Palace ? Wait for the first high wind, and you will have a
Crystal Chaos.
It was very provoking—but who, in the name of novelty, could have
foreseen it ? ' The Crystal Innovation did not tumble in—neither was
it blown out: but, its purpose accomplished, was soberly taken to
pieces, bit by bit, and there it is, or nearly all of it, shining and glisten-
ing the Crystal Crown of Sydenham Hill. Nevertheless, the thing
will not do. It is too far from the resort of civilised men. London
will never undertake such a long, tedious, time-consuming pilgrimage.
Had it been built up again on Battersea flat, there might have been
just a forlorn hope of its success. But Sydenham Hill! As well pitch
the building on Salisbury Plain. This time Croaker is really com-
forted. There was a chance for the folly of 1851—but what can be
hoped for the Insanity of 1854 ? Nevertheless, Sir Joseph Paxton
is not only at large; but is to be seen everywhere going about—and
sometimes in half-a-dozen places at once—without a keeper.
And now, Mr. Laing delivers his Crystal-clear account of the
directors' stewardship ; and Croaker bites his thumb, disgusted and
disappointed ! People—but then they are all insane—by tens and
twenties of thousands, betake themselves to the Crystal Palace; and
what is more, going once, they must go twice; going twice, they are
compelled to go three times; going thrice, it becomes in them a fixed,
determined idea to go as often as life and its duties will permit them.
A mad world, my masters—cries Croaker, whom here we leave—
" Mad world, and Crystal Bedlam ! "
Mr. Laing, having disposed of his bright array of figures—for the
accounts were clear as the fabric whereof they were the numeral
representatives—did not attempt to disguise from the perilled share-
holders the fact of an alarming opposition. The Crystal Palace of
Sydenham was to be opposed by a Crystal Bear-Garden at Walworth .
The teetotallers, all wormwood at the thoughts of the bitter beer on
tap in the Crystal Palace, had resolved to purchase—nay, had purchased
the Surrey Zoological Gardens, and were determined to let loose the
lions on the bacchanals of Sydenham ! Alligators were already on their
passage to strengthen the crocodile interest, and a live mermaid
secured, who would, of course, appear without her customary glass.
There is moreover an abandoned, rum-addicted mandril at the
Gardens at the present hour—it is said, much given to alcoholic fasci-
nations, (for evidence of which, see his red cheeks) being ready at any