Punch (29.1855)

December 15, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE POETRY OF MODERN GREASE.

The Temple of the
Muses has often
been desecrated by
all sorts of imper-
tinent intruders,
from, poet laure-
ates to the pet of
some obscure peri-
odical issuing from
a mart of Law,
Literature, Theo-
logy, Field Sports,
or anything that
would pay, in the
purlieus of the
Temple; but we
do not know that
a marine store-
dealer had ever,
until now, pre-
sumed to lay his
dry rubbisli on
Apollo's shrine.

We sometimes
wish that the Li-
terary Dustman
had been a real
instead of an ima-
ginary character,
'hat he might have
gone regularly
round to the vari-
ous booksellers and
writers who permit
an accumulation of
offensive matter to
remain on their
premises. Under

the act which provides for the clearing away of obnoxious Deposits, some of the
first publishing houses in London might be ordered to remove the objectionable
trash that now encumbers their shelves.

We are, however, merging a particular case in the general question, and we will
therefore proceed at, OLCe to quote a few verse* which might appropriately figure
in the Rogue's Album, or The Domestic Servant's Manual of the Art of Robbing a
Master. Af r.er a prosaic intimation, that " 2^d. to 3d. per lb. is given for kitchen-
stuff, and 4d. for good dripping" the poet of the grease-pot thus proceeds :—

TO THE COOK,

" Yes, Cooks, I wish a word with you. Pray all your Dripping save,
I weigh like gold, and as for Price, most liberally behave!

Weigh it yourselves, if you prefer, I only court a trial

Of my Honesty, which you will rind is quite beyond denial.

This stanza would have better expressed its meaning
if it had run thus—

Yes, Cooks, I wish a word with you. Your Masters'
dripping steal.

And till you bring it out to me, your grease-pot well con-
ceal ;

You're safe with me ; for stealing it you needn't fear a trial;
When ask'd if you have sold it, I'm prepared wilh a denial.

This is followed by a poetical appeal to

THE HOUSEMAID.

" Housemaids, treasure up your rags, I White or Coloured buy,
My Price is Good, my Weights are Just, let those who doubt it try.
You know from rags they paper make, which Housemaids find i?j
handy,

When writing letters to their loves to meet them spruce and dandy.
The Candle-ends I purchase too, Bottles and Broken Glass,
For a store of these a Purse I'll fill for any pretty lass :"

which may be thus interpret ed—

Housemaids, lay hands on everything—towels or linen bags,
Or table-cloths, or anything—I'll buy them all as rags,
For rags, you know, make paper, on which it is your plan
When you've got leave to go to Church, to write to your
young man,

And bid him meet you. Recollect, my thriving trade extends
To wax or tallow—anything—for all are "candle-ends."

As a wind-up, the poet thirs apostrophises—

THE FOOTMAN.

" Sprightly Footman, list, oh list; pray ever careful be,
< >f all the little odds and ends, that come by right to thee 1
The Candle-ends of Wax or Sperm, Old Clothes too oft are thine,
Old Liv'ry Buttons and other things I purchase in my line.
Give me a trial—and Presto; yon quickly will behold
My mode of changing such like things to bright and sparkling gold."

Good Footman, you've a famous chance—there's all yi.ur

Master s clothes.
Come sell to me; he'll never know how all his wardiobe

goes.

The candle-ends will disappear—I give a famous price.—
If Missus asks what's gone with 'em, say, "It must be the
mice."

Give me a trial—but I won't suggest awkward impres-
sions—■

I mean a trial at my shop, not at Old Bailey Sessions.

Verdict on the Papal Suicide op Austria.—Felo de
(Holy) See.

THE MORNING POST'S LIBEL ON THE PRINCE

CONSORT.

We have at times had occasion to express sentiments in some degree
differing from those which have been attributed to illustrious person-
ages of various nations. But upon no occasion, we trust, have we
sought to render Royalty contemptible. That work we leave to its
friends the flunkeys, and it will be seen from the following Dassage,
taken from the Morning Posfs account of the progress of the King op
Sardinia through the Westminster Road, on the day of his arrival, I
that they address themselves to it with no ordinary skill. The readers
of'tbe Morning Post are not as a body the wisest people in the world,
and what must, be the result of their'being induced to believe that the
Prince Albert, an educated man, a scholar, and a gentleman of taste, i
could think or talk such penny-a-liner's balderdash, as it " appeared" to i
the Post that he was inflicting on his Wife's Ally ?

"His Royal, Highness appeared to be explaining that these were the men |
(Maudslay's), the skilled artisans of England, to whose industry and art were due the j
works which, of old, were ascribed to giants; that these men bridged the seas and
spanned the earth with iron girdles; that bv them were those chariots forged which
speed our friends on their way fleeter than the wind ; by them were those bolts forged
which hurled a fiery destruction on our enemies."

There is the libekand as truth cannot.be pleaded in justification,—first,
because the Prince could not have talked such ineffable trash, and,
secondly, because, if he had, the writer for the Post could know nothing
about it, we have enclosed the paragraph to Sir Alexander James
Edward Cockburn, M.P., Her Majesty's Attorney-General.

eter the Great and St. Peter.—The Pope, like the Emperor
Alexander, has had his grand levy, for what is the Concordat but a
levy of the Austriaus eu mass ?

MR. PUNCH'S GENERAL ORDER.

Urgent Private Affairs.

Head Quarters.

Fieid-Marshal Punch has observed with equal surprise and
concern the extraordinary number of applications from officers of all
ranks and arms of the service, to return home on "urgent private
affairs."

F. M. Punch has one and the same answer for all such applicat ions.
He cannot grant leave of absence to officers for urgent private affairs ;
while the folfowing most urgent private affairs require the presence of
officers in camp, viz. :—

Hutting the privates.
Keeping up the discipline of the privates.
Keeping down drunkenness among the privates.
Promoting rational amusement among the privates.
Sharing the hardships of the privates, and
Setting a good example to the privates generally.

All these appear to F. M. Punch to be the most urgent " private "
affairs that can be conceived under existing circumstances.

An Extraordinary Mistake.

In the account of the opening of the Prussian Cnambers by King
Clicquot the reporter writes—

" The Kinq entered the saloon in fall General's uniform, and carrying his helmel
in his hand."

This is a palpable blunder. It was not a helmet, but a wine-cooler.
This fact is established by the subsequent incident; for the reporter in
due time tells us, that "the King put it on his bead ! "