Punch (61.1871)

July 29, 1871.]

PUNCH, Oft THE LONDON CHAEIVARL

41

PHOSPHORUS AND PHRENOLOGY.

' Without Phosphorus no thought."
So we 're told by modern Sages,
Whom the Clergy, having caught,
Would have fried in former ages.

For the doctrine so defined

Would have seemed, to pristine Parson,
One with " Phosphorus is Mind "—

Heresy deserving arson.

Reason it a little shocks,

If it humbles pride and glory,

Merely as a Phosphorus Box,
To regard the Upper Storey.

If that's true, good care befits

Every Thinker. What a loss for us,

Were we sure to lose our wits
Always when we lost our Phosphorus !

FRANKENSTEIN'S CHEMISTRY.

In his recently published Fragments of Science for
Unscientific People, Professor Tyndall, discussing the
inexplicable origin of life, remarks that "if a chemist,
by bringing the proper materials together in a retort or
crucible, could make a baby, he would do it." No doubt
he would, and an unscientific anonymous bard has even
imagined that he could. Cookery is applied chemistry,
and although a cook would not put

" Sugar, and spice, and all things nice,"

into a crucible or retort, he might put them into a sauce-
ffi&jlS ^~ ^ggj^jS^^HSg^^fe \\ pan, and we know that the result would, under certain

^ \) ■ J \ iSO^ \4* conditions, be, not a plum-pudding, but little girls.

^^^S D^-^ ^^Hl^^ ^X^-x v~~~ SP^V-> \ Also that if he were to mingle

\ ~~" ^ " Slugs and snails, and puppy-dogs' tails,"

' REGULATION." in some equally idoneous vessel, say a cauldron, the

concoction of those unpleasant ingredients would issue
Captain of one of the New Mounted Batteries. " Can you Tell me What Men in a brood of goblins whom a popular nursery-rhyme
D¥ my Battery ought to Wear Spurs?" calls little boys. Some of the Innocents lately massacred

Adjutant (looking down). " The Commanding Officer, Sir, certainly ?" may appear to have been made of these materials.

ATHLETICS FOR LADIES.

It is wonderful how the above healthy movement is gaining ground
with all classes, especially the very highest. The following authentic
instance, incredible as it may appear, has lately come to our know-
ledge, and it is only one out of a thousand similar cases, which we
might easily quote. The name of our distinguished heroine we pur-
posely suppress, as it might only expose her to the envy, if not
to the ridicule, of her less energetic, less successful sisters.

We shall merely give the summary of one day's proceedings, as it
is quite sufficient to prove the vast extent of labour some ladies can
go through, when once they have made up their minds to do so.

She rose at a very early hour, though she had been to the Opera
the night before, and out to a late dance after that, and dressed for
breakfast in an incredibly short space of time.

Presided at the breakfast-table, poured out the tea, buttered her
toast—all by herself.

Had a long conference with Cook about dinner.

Set the various servants about their respective duties.

Hearing the children cry, went up-stairs to the Nursery to ascertain
the cause. Nursed the Baby, and romped with the children for a
good half-hour.

Called on the different tradesmen in the neighbourhood, and paid
them their little bills.

After luncheon (the children's dinner, at which she did all the
carving) practised some music, and tried one or two new songs.

Made several calls, went to the Royal Academy, drove out in the
Park, looked in at a croquet-party, and on her way home called at
the circulating library.

Having half an hour to spare before dinner, did some embroidery
to fill up the time.

, After dinner, wrote letters, and sent out two hundred and fifty
invitations to a grand ball.
Tea, singing, and playing.

Received a few friends in the evening, and joined in the dancing
in to half-past one o'clock in the morning.

Now, when it is recollected that the above unexaggerated pro-
gramme is gone through within less than sixteen hours, all in the
same day, it will scarcely be credited that any lady could be equal
to the fatigue it would necessarily entail. Far from being fatigued,
however, the lady to whom we are specially alluding, and who is no
stronger than most athletic young ladies, declares that she is ready
to go through the same amount of work to-morrow, and be pre-
pared to keep it up even for six days a week!

How different to the lackadaisical young ladies of only a few years
back, who used to loll on sofas and read novels all daylong, and yet
complain of being fatigued !

" REPEAL'S" NEW NAME.

A remarkable change of phrase has lately occurred in the nomen-
clature of Irish politics. The repeal of the Union between Great
Britain and Ireland was a political object briefly termed " Repeal."
But what used to be called "Repeal" is now denominated " Home
Rule." Irish Nationalist newspapers, instead of the original word,
employ the synonym, and speak of the Home Rule principle and
Home Rule candidates and Members of Parliament. The synonym
of Repeal is a milder name for it; and the fact that a euphemism as
well as a synonym has come to be substituted is pleasing. The
Repealers have taken to put Home Rule for Repeal for the same
reason that the Tories changed their name to Conservatives.

" Home Rule " will be a mighty pretty toast for the Irish Nation-
alists. " Pros't! " as the German students say. Much good may it
do them.

Iterum Iterumque.

" Mr. Bentinck took the opportunity of again protesting."

In these days of unsettled belief and lukewarm zeal, it is conso-
latory to know that the House of Commons possesses one good
Protestant.

Vol. 61.

2—2