Punch (64.1873)

January 25, 1873.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

39

" Tis just a hundred years since our friend in green first made

Upon the tribes of Khiva a well-intentioned raid;

No doubt he had provocation, as he had, I don't deny,

When, beaten back, he tried it on, some thirty years gone by ;

And so when half a year ago he tried it on again,

And Mackosopp, with loss of camp and beasts, to bolt was fain.

" After Khiva comes Bokhara, then Kundooz, and then Caubul,
And then you have John Russian" at close quarters with John Bull
Now, I've no doubt his intentions are as good as they can be,
Hut the further Bull and he are off, the better they'll agree;
So I hope you '11 think it safer, while there is space to spare,
From behind a loaded rifle, to challenge ' Who goes there ?' "

HAPPY THOUGHTS.

The Last of The Nook — De Lunatico Tnquirendo—Further
Infomuitwn - To Let—Finish.

E see the Gardener
approaching. Up the
kitchen garden walk:
dancing. A flower-
pot is on his head,
which drops off, and
a whip is in his hand.
His hair anyhow; he
hasn't got as far as
straws.

"He's a raming
maviac !" exclaims
my Aunt, and with
great presence of
mind begins to retreat
slowly towards the
house, keeping her
thumb on the spring
of her sunshade;
having a vague idea
that to put it up sud-
denly is a staggerer
for a lunatic. I hope
she won't do it, as it
might make him
worse.

"Colonel Cut," says
Englemore, briefly.
I beg him to be calm, and pretend not to notice anything extra-
ordinary in the Gardener's manner.
Happy Thought.—Pretend.

We go to work to pretend. My Aunt retreating. I say to the
man, " How are you getting on ? "

"Well," he replies, briskly. "The Mikado himself couldn't
wish for more, except glass with care. Here's a treat for His Royal
Highness !

He lifts up a flower-pot, and shows us, planted underneath, an

He does not, however, alter his position. He continues, cunningly,
"I don't, and I won't, because of my hair. Turnips, carrots, and
The White Incomparable can do what they like—I say nothing ; it's
not my business, having been His Majesty's faithful servant for

years- But"—here he creeps up to me cautiously and whispers

—" who's the Emerald Ringleader, with orchids in his eyes, who's
hiding in the ivy ? "

Englemore says, briskly, "We'll have him out. I'll go and
collar him."

The man stops him, taking Englemore by the arm. Englemore
looks at me helplessly. The Gardener holds him fast.

"Don't!" he whispers hurriedly. "Don't do it! He's an
Odontoglossos Pelargonium ! If he's disturbed, he '11 shoot me."
"No he won't," says Englemore, soothingly.
" He will! " cries the unfortunate lunatic, emphatically. " The
Mieado has sent him for the turnip-juice. He's got a pistol! "

" Has he ! " says Englemore, more nervously than ever, and not
liking1 to contradict him again.

"Has he?" the Gardener exclaims, ironically. " Why you,
know he has .' You 're a Gladiolus Gandavensis. But they've only
put grapes in it. I've got a bullet in mine ! "
Good Heavens !

Happy Thought.—I ask him, as calmly as I can, to show me the
weapon.

He releases Englemore (who takes this opportunity of getting
near the kitchen-door), and fumbles in a breast pocket of his waist-
coat.

" With a flowering stock," he murmurs to himself. " I always
keep 'em by me. I've written a letter about 'em, and I thought
you'd kindly give it to the Duke for me."

He is wandering again, and I begin to think the pistol a myth.
I assure him that I will take every care of his letter if he will intrust

it to me. Or-

Happy Thought.—He can, I suggest, himself take it to the post-
office in the village.

Once out, he shan't come in again. Only couldn't I be indicted
for turning a madman out loose on the road ? To lock him up
would be best. But where ? His room is in a small cottage on the
premises next the stable. If he could only be enticed in there !
Happy Thought.—" Where 's your coat ? " I ask him.
He shakes his head and smiles. " I burnt it, so as to put 'em off
the scent. Chickweed and cinders is what we must come to at
last." He suddenly bestirs himself. "Earth up celery! Right,
shoulders forward I Dig up vines, top, dibble, and dust-pans! "
Then he adds, with a wink of inexpressible slyness, " train up your
Gloxinias in silk stockings, and you '11 soon see who's the chumpy
Radish." Then suddenly, "You'll excuse me for a moment, but
there's a friend of mine at the bottom of the pond, and I must just
go and see him. It's after hours, you know." He bows with the
utmost politeness, and walks away hurriedly.
Now what am I to do ?

Happy Thought.—Go in-doors, and keep him out.
So much is certain to begin with. And so much I do. The Rag

Doll housekeeper says, " I didn't like to tell you afore--"

This is so odd. Servants never do like to acquaint you with any-
thing unpleasant- specially in the way of breakages, when after
being dumb for months they are quite surprised to find that only one
upright stick with a red herring fastened to it by a bit of red [ out of your two dozen choice pet glasses remains uninjured—the
riband. fractures having, of course, happened " afore they come to the

"That's my idea," he says, with pride. "That's ornamental | place "—until you know all about it yourself, when you find that
and fancy gardening. I'm burning Guy Fawkes at the end there." i they've known it for ever so long, generally, "since they first
Then he adds, mysteriously, " Not a word to the Duke." \ corned."

Pointing to the garden implements all planted in a row, he asks,
" What do you think of that ? "
Englemore replies, nervously, " Capital! couldn't be better."
" You don't think so," returns the Gardener, suspiciously.
Happy Thought.—To go on pretending. I feign an interest in
this plantation. What is its object iJ Is it Japanese ? I ask.
" Do you know who the Mikado is ? " he asks.
Englemore, regaining courage, suggests, "Japanese Tommy?"
" Tomm? ! " shouts the mad Gardener (for there is no doubt about
it any longer). " You ain't a Fortyfold Jersey Blue, are you ? "

Englemore nervously twitches my sleeve, and wants me to come
away. No, I must keep my eye on him.

Happy Thought. —Detain him in conversation while some one
goes for a Policeman. Who ? Englemore might stay with him,
while I go and fetch a Constable. How to communicate this to
Englemore ? Await opportunity.

" These will grow and be fruitful. Hush! Don't you hear the
seeds coming up. Why, if you want to know all about gardening,
you must stand on your head and listen. Can you stand on your
head ? "

" No ; but then you see I'm not a Gardener."
I can. So can celery sauce."

She says. " I didn't like to tell you afore,"—sniff, and corner of
apron used—" but the young man as seemed strange, as I said,
Sir"—sniff, apron, curtsey —"but he keeps on a saying as there's
some pusson with a long name 'id in the hivy, which he has a loaded
firearms to go to look after him with."
" Have you seen it r"

" No, not azackly; "—sniff—" leastways, I've heard it as he was
shootin' them spurrows."

" A gun ? " asks Englemore.

" No, Sir," answers the E-ag Doll; " which it ain't not azackly a
gun, nor yet a pistol, nor blumblebuss, but them new things as
goes round a' round and off ever so many times at once ; an' I think
as the young man said as it were a garden name, convovolus, or
such like."

" Revolver ! " exclaims my Aunt, who has a good ear for verbal
mistakes.

" Werry likely, Mum." Sniff. " I knowd it were sumfin o'that.
Look, Mum, if he ain't at it now."

From the window we see him. He is half hidden behind an
apple-tree, but we catch a glimpse of one arm with a pistol in its
hand, changing its aim every second.
We lock all the doors.

Happy Thought.—Here's an opportunity. While he's on his " You see," says Englemore, "it isn't safe for Mister Madman
head, secure his legs. | to be about. Colonel Constable ought to be on in this scene '"