Punch (66.1874)

January 31, 1874.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

49

THE FUTILITY OF ARGUMENT.

The Hydrocephalous Jones chooses to believe in Phrenology.
The Prognathous Robinson chooses not to.

They will nrver Agree. Why prolong the Discussion?

ME. GLADSTONE’S DISSOLUTION ADDRESS

My Greenwich Friends,

This Parliament
About its business must be sent,

In its successor I would be
The White-Bait-Borough’s proud M.P
Of course I can’t do all I wish
At frying of your little fish,

You ’ll let me, as we Scotch say, wait
On “Kettle of the Kirk and State.”

Five years of work, performed with nous,

Have weakened Cabinet and House,

And though our Under-Secs, may puff,

We feel we are not strong enough.

If not “ combined,” “ concurrent ” act
Floored us upon that Irish pact,

But Dizzy, when he saw us sold,

Refused to take the post I hold.

So, (not without some slight grimaces)

We loyally resumed our places.

We found the Lords recalcitrant,

Treating our Bills with kindness scant,

And yet they gave their imprimatur
In ’68, and two years later.

’Twas clear their course had been reversed,

Had we remained as strong as erst.

Now it is time the Nation choose
’Twixt gentlemen of different views.

Our principles I need not state,

You ’ve heard enough of them of late.

With Foreign Powers our rule’s revealed,

We ask no more than we should yield.

This Gold Coast war I must declare
A most unhappy, sad affair ;

We will not press upon the foe
Further than justice bids us go:

But while we fight, as fight we must,

In Wolseley we have perfect trust.

More legislation, friends, because—

Because—the nation wants more laws.

Touching the Education Act,

We don’t yet know enough, in fact,

But the small things that drive folks queasy,

I think we ’ll manage to make easy.

Strange how they’ve stuck to their monopolies,
The Local Swells of this Metropolis,

But we ’ll attempt it, done or undone,

A better Government for London.

And some improvements we ’ll pursue
At Oxford and at Cambridge, too.

And thus new brightness shall arise
In those twin sparklers, “ England’s Eyes.”

Of course among my list of bounties
Is wider suffrage in the counties.

But on this point the public mind
Is, up to now, I think, purblind.

When people understand the dodge,

We ’ll see what we can do for Hodge.

But now, my brethren, list to me,

Attention for our 1L. S. 31.

Our Tory friends we banged and basted,

And said the nation’s cash they wasted.

Well, we’ve not saved such awful sums
As we could wish, but there be plums—

This year (excuse the rhyme), you villians,

We ’ll show a Surplus of Jibe fHillicms.

Ten years have I kept up my pecker
As Chancellor of the Exchequer ;

So when I paint its prospects brightly
You ’ll know that I’m not speaking lightly.

Local Taxation, I conceive,

I can reform and eke relieve,

But here’s the honey, lads of wax,

I will take off the Income-tax.

Bob Lowe was happy as could be,

Who brought it down from six to three ;

But what is Bobby’s joy to his

Who wipes it out ? (That’s one for Diz.)

But more! you don’t know half our gumption :
We ’ll cheapen things of Home Consumption,
Giving, as far as we are able,

What Bright has called “ Free Breakfast Table.”

Forty-two years of public life _

Have made me rather tired of strife,

And I should like my time to close
With my friend Homer in repose,

But each must do the thing he can,

And for the present I’m your Man.

We ’re told the Liberals are a pest,

“ Endangering,” “ worrying,” and the rest.

I will not coarsely fling the lie,

But all such charges I deny,

And say each Institution stands
Firmer through work of Liberal hands,

And we have given you nobler cause
To reverence the Throne and Laws.

Now, choose. I ’ll serve you, if you will,

With all I have of strength ana skill.

If not, for other aid go whistle.

“ I’ll cheerfully accept dismissal.”

W. E. G.

ANSWER TO A CORRESPONDENT (BIOGRAPHICAL).

Locke was a Cantab, of course. Can you imagine
that Locke could have been anything but a Caius (Keys)
man ?

“Contempt oe Court.”—Neglecting to attend a Levee.